BEST PICTURE

American Beauty
Didn't see it.
It stars that whore Annette Bening.
Bening hates Hillary, f-ing hates her, and do you know why?
"She's so phony, like that whole Puerto Rican terrorist thing that was handled so clumsily.
 Obviously she and Bill cooked up that whole scheme and it was all such a mess."

Hey, Bening!
Just because your husband thought he'd make a run for the White House is no reason
for you to turn slut-whore and trash the First Lady. Besides, if they DID get together to
arrange that Puerto Rican thing, it would've been handled a lot more smoothly, trust me.
The fact that it was clumsy proved they DIDN'T talk about it ahead of time.
Plus I have a question, Ms Bening.
Who will hire you now that you're too old to take your clothes off?

Cider House Rules
Didn't see it, and it's a dumb name.

The Green Mile
I like Tom Hanks, but I go to movies for the escapism.
Who wants to spend five hours in a prison waiting for the big, black guy to die?

The Insider
I saw it on 60 Minutes, why would I pay to see it re-enacted in a theater?

The Sixth Sense
Saw it.
Read my review - Click Here

My Pick?
Of all the nominated films I saw, I'll go with Sixth Sense.
Bruce Willis can't act, but that kid was great.
 

BEST ACTOR

Russel Crowe
Good actor, but Oscar won't like him.

Richard Farnsworth
Never heard of him.
I like David Lynch, but not enough to pick Farnsworth

Sean Penn
Penn's too good to be considered.
Guy that act as well as Sean shouldn't be allowed to compete every year.

Kevin Spacey
I like Kevin Spacey.
When they do the BartCop movie, he should play me.

Denzel Washington
Did you know Laura Harpy has the "warm fuzzies" for Denzel?
She doesn't mention it much, I guess she got a fax from the RNC.
I didn't see Hurricane, but I liked Dylan's song back before most of you were born.
Plus, blacks always get screwed by Oscar, so I'll go with Denzel.

BEST ACTRESS

Annette Bening
Harping slut-whores should not be considered for this category.

Janet McTier
Never heard of her.
Is she a babe?
A search on Yahoo found nothing.
A search on Alta Vista found
Manager Janet McTier (Library Assistant) Organisation Moffat Library
(Too bad they can't spell organization correctly)

Julianne Moore
She's the new Agent Starling in Hannibal Lecter II
Nice looking girl, and the only Best Actress contender on my "to do" list.
Where are the babes this year?

Meryl Streep
Just like Sean Penn, she shouldn't be in this every year.
Too good.

Hilary Swank
Koresh, am I tired of hearing about this woman, so to speak.
She looks like a man, and she played a man in her movie.
That's not acting.
That's making the best out of God's mistake.

My Pick?
I'll go with Julianne Moore

SUPPORTING ACTOR

Michael Caine
Pure whore.
He admitted it one night on either Carson on Leno.
He recited a list of movies he was in and then told the audience
what he bought with the money from each film.
Pure whore.

Tom Cruise
I will vomit if he wins.
Smirk is a better actor than prettyboy.
If Hollywood gives him an Oscar for acting they should disband.

Michael Clarke Duncan
I didn't see Green Mile, but I hope he acted better there than in Armageddon

Jude Law
Never heard of him, but I know Matt Damon can't act at all,
so maybe this guy stole the show from him.

Haley Joel Osment
Fucking Bingo!
There's your actor, Hollywood.

Did you see the Bruce Willis interviews where he said this kid was a monster on the set.
(Monster being good in this context.) Willis said he & Haley would be shooting hoops,
waiting for the gaffers and best boys to set up a scene, and the director would yell,
"Let's get ready,"and Haley would go from giddy kid to "I see dead people" in seconds.
That's acting!

Maybe Willis can't act, but he's been in a shitload of movies and if he says this kid
can turn it on like a switch, I'm going to believe the cheating Republican - just this once.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS

Toni Collette
From Sixth Sense - I don't buy it.
That's not an Oscar performance.
She musta slept her way into this nomination.

Angelina Jolie
Beauty Interrupted
I didn't see her latest, but I just saw Pushing Tin where she was God awful.

Catherine Keener
Never heard of her

Samantha Morton
Never heard of her.
These are American movies, right?

Cloe Sevigny
Never heard of her, either, but let's give her the Oscar for having
to spell that horrid last name 15,000 times at auditions

DIRECTOR

Sam Mendez
Never heard of him

Spike Jonez
Black guy, gives him an edge

Lasse Hallstrom
They let a dog direct?

Michael Mann
Invented Miami Vice, so I like him some.

M. Night Shyamalan
Directed Sixth Sense, so we'll let him have it.

ADAPTED SCREENPLAY

Who cares?
What a dead category.
No wonder this takes 3.5 hours.

ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY

Maybe that Shyamalan guy from "Sixth," because it had a surprise,
if cheating-cheating ending.

ART DIRECTION

Let's give it to the Anna and the King team, because they spent all that
time and money on a film they knew nobody would ever see intentionally.

CINEMATOGRAPHY

Let's give it to Snow Falling on Cedars because it sounds pretty

MAKEUP

I didn't see Bicentennial man, but Robin Williams looked good in the previews.

SOUND

Let's give this one to George Lucas for inventing THX, but George,
lose that stupid cartoon commercial for THX.  It's stupid and it sucks.

ORIGINAL SONG

I didn't see South Park, but they say Blame Canada is killer

COSTUME

Anna and the King again, same reason as Art Direction

OTHER CATEGORIES

The other Alan Keyes-type categories don't interest me or you or anyone but the people nominated.

Let's hope Billy Crystal has a good night.
He'll be nominated for an Emmy even if he blows all night, and there's no reason for that.
They'll put him up against Dave and Jay and Conan and Dennis Miller.
Three hours a year, and he's up against 250 hours of Dave, Jay etc.

That's crazy.
 

You think your picks are better?
You think you can out-pick Ol' BartCop?

Send me some E-Mail, but do it before Sunday night!