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Dr. Seuss'
The Grifter
Who Stole Away From Alaska
by Gordon Brogan
Every Who down in Who-ville
Liked Alaska a lot... but the Grifter,
Who was the queen bitch of Wasilla,
Did NOT!
The Grifter hated Alaska! It had only one season!
Ironically for a secessionist, her thoughts were
doubly treason
It could be that her head wasn't screwed on quite
right
It could be, perhaps, that her arrest was in
sight!
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that ambition proved the state
was too small!
But, whatever the reason, in the mind of that
shrew,
She stood there on this Alaskan day, hating the
Whos!
Standing near her house with a sour, Grifter's
frown
As the warm weathered faces now gathered 'round.
She knew that every reporter, blogger & blooping
blee-blurd
Was listening to her now, hanging on to every
word.
"Thank you all for coming!" she'd start with a
sneer.
"My beloved Alaska! Why, there's nowhere nicer
than here!"
Eyes nervously darting, said "But in order to
serve y'all better...
I woke up bright & early & wrote my resignation
letter!"
And then! The media noise!
Oh, the noise! Noise, sweet noise!
That's one thing she LOVED!
All that attention on her camera-ready poise!
She smiled contently to herself, no questions
are taken
Maybe with this speech, she'll have managed to
save her bacon!
But no, they had to go do something that she liked
least of all
Every Who down in Who-ville, with impossible
gall,
Would text one another, with rumours a flyin'
They'd laugh, mouth-in-hand. And the Whos would
start slinging!
They'd sling! And they'd sling!
AND they'd SLING! SLING! SLING! SLING!
BUT... last night when the Grifter grumbled, for
thin was her skin,
That's when the Grifter thought, "I must STOP
this whole thing!
"Why for several months I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop these damn people from mocking...but
HOW?"
That's when she got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE GRIFTER
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
You betcha!
"I know just what to do!" The Grifter laughed
in her throat.
And she wrote a quick speech (half Wikipedia,
please note)
And she chuckled, and clucked, "This will do
the trick!
With this speech and a wink, this bullshit will
stick!"
"All I need is an excuse..." The Grifter thought
up & down.
But her excuses were awful, and there were none
to be found.
Did that stop the old Grifter...? No! The Grifter
simply said,
"If I can't find excuses, I'll make them up instead!"
So she called up a spokeswoman and she fed her
some shit.
(Later she proved so useless, Anderson Cooper
called her on it)
THEN she called up some lawyers and some GOP
guys
Laid out a suit while Bristol took a blade to
her thighs
The Grifter said, "I've got big news. There's
a deal going down!"
And the people in the media came around to her
mound.
All their brows were furrowed. Quiet murmurs
filled the air.
All the Whos were perplexed and wondered why
they're there.
"Gosh, I'm all done," the old Grifting bitch hissed
And she listed her excuses, nearly shaking her
fist.
She spun on the spot, because lies were her gift.
Whenever Sarah would do it, she felt the power
of the Grift.
She got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
When she had to twist 80 lies into 4 almost half
truths!
She had her family there, all lined up in a row.
"This family," she grinned, "follows me where
ever i go!"
Then she slithered and slunk, with a smile most
unpleasant,
Her mouth stunk up the past, the future, even
stunk up the present!
Mean bloggers! And liberals! David Letterman!
Bums!
Democrats! Socialists! Mitt Romney! What scum!
And her speech, it dragged on. Till the Grifter
ended, showing
Hands with drawn-on stigmata, which had everyone's
mind blowing!
After the conference, she hugged herself with
some glee
"And NOW!" grinned the Grifter, "I can focus
on just me!!!"
Later she was handed a paper, and she started
to panic
When she saw that her career was going down like
the Titanic!
She read:
"Is she slunking down to Fox? Will she run the
RNC beast?"
"Is she in big trouble? Couldn't she finish her
term at least?!!"
"Will she clean out Alaska & leave as quick
as a flash!"
"Why, that Grifter's gonna write a book &
make millions in cash!!!"
She turned to an aide, and she strangled the Who
"What the hell does this mean, you bleeping son-of-a-bloop?!"
The Grifter's face turned red, her eyes burst
into fire
Smoke spilled out her ears & she strangled
him a little tighter.
He whimpered at the Grifter and said, "They all
wonder why...
Why are you leaving Alaska NOW? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Grifter was not so smart
or slick
She thought up a lie, and she thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little friend," her fake smile
spread wide,
"They made my job harder, and they're all pretty
snide.
So I'm taking a bit of Alaska with me, my dear.
I'll fix up the world. Then I'll come back right
here!"
And her fib fooled the aide. Then she patted his
head
And she walked to her office and packed up a
sled.
And when Todd came around with a moosehead for
her
She promised him a romp on a newly skinned fur!
Then they spent the night shoveling papers into
a fire
Evidence poured out the chimney! "Burn!" cried
the liar.
The office walls they left nothing but hooks,
and some wire.
And the only thing left that they seemed to ignore
Was a post-it that was stuck to the once-carpeted
floor!
Then they did the same thing to all the houses
and stores
Leaving nothing much but a post-it on once-carpeted
floors!
It was quarter past dawn...
All the Whos, still a-tucked
All the Whos, still a-snooze
When they packed up their truck,
Packed it up with their very house! The shingles!
The siding!
The wood panels! The wainscoting! The ducts!
The plumbling!
Three thousand feet up! While not quite Mount
McKinley,
This giant pile reached high up & it swayed
kinda gently!
"Pooh-pooh to the Whos!" she was grift-i-ly mewing.
"They're finding out now that Palin ain't through
screwing!"
"They'll not take MY house! Oh no, that won't
do!
Who do they think that those people are talking
to?!
So I embezzled the supplies. They can just kiss
my rear!
Oh Todd, Trig's bottle's empty, can you fill
it with beer?!"
"Once I'm out of sight," grinned the Grifter,
"This whole place will be in tears!"
But she paused.
And the Grifter put a hand to her ear.
And she did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low.
Then it started to grow...
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!
She stared down at Wasilla!
The Grifter popped her eyes!
Then she shook!
What she saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Who down in the town,
The tall and the small...
Was singing!
Without anything at all!
She HADN'T grifted Alaska completely...
It just lived on...
Somehow or other...
And the Grifter, with a MILFy frown & her
shoulders low,
Stood seething & seething: "Only dead fish
go with the flow..."
I took all their money! I took all their faxes!
I took all their televisions, ATVs & their
axes!"
And she seethed three hours, till her seether
was sore.
Then the Grifter thought of something she hadn't
before!
"Maybe Alaska," she thought, "doesn't need me
at all!
Maybe America... has been clamoring for my fall!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Alaska they say
That the Grifter's huge ego
Shrunk three sizes that day!
And the minute her ego didn't feel quite so tight,
She whizzed off with her load
Through the bright morning light
And she shook her middle finger
And she held it for all to see
And she...
...SHE HERSELF...
The Grifter said
"You ain't seen the last of ME!"
------------------
"Fair or unfair, I think she does herself a
disservice to even mention it...When I hear a statement like that
coming from a woman candidate with any kind
of perceived whine about that excess criticism or, you know,
maybe a sharper microscope put on her, I think,
man, that doesn't do us any good. Women in politics,
women in general wanting to progress this
country. I don't think it's, it bodes well for her - a statement
like that...It bothers me a little bit hearing
her bring that attention to herself on that level."
- On Hillary Clinton's complaints about her treatment by the media (March,
2008.)
------------------
Great Legs & Gams
(Sarah Palin)
I'm a Sham!
Sham-I-am!
(Everyone That Is Sane In The World)
That Sham-I-am!
That Sham-I-am!
We do not like that Sham-I-am!
(Sarah Palin)
Don't you like
great legs and gams?
(Everyone That Is Sane In The World)
We do not like YOU, Sham-I-am!
Despite having
great legs and gams.
(Sarah Palin)
Would you like me
Here or there?
(Everyone That Is Sane In The World)
We would not like you
Anywhere!
While we do like
great legs and gams.
We don't like them
When they're on Sham-I-am!
(Sarah Palin)
Did you hear the scandal 'bout my house?
Be quiet or I'll squash you like a mouse!
I do not like you talking
About my house.
I do not like you reporting
That I'm a louse.
I do not like critics
here or there.
I do not like them anywhere.
They should like my great legs and gams,
You're not fair to ME, Sham-I-am!
Now, did I get
A job at Fox?
Am I somehow
Royally fucked?
Is Piper pregnant
From Todd's cock?
Am I quitting cuz
This job sucks!
Can't steal no more
They changed the locks?
Did I take this job
Just for the yuks?
Write a book
For a few million bucks?!
Oh, you'll see me
here or there
My face will be
Most everywhere
Marvel at my
great legs & gams
YOu betcha, gosh
Golly... ah, damn!
(Everyone That Is Sane In The World)
We do not like you, Sham-I-am!
Even with your
Great legs & gams!
------------------
"I'm a fighter, not a quitter. So I am resigning
as Governor."
- Palin during her resignation speech (July 3, 2009.)
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