Every now and then, GOP powerbrokers get together with bag men
from ADM or Big Cancer to play a friendly little game of poker.
When we last left our heroes, they'd gotten a surprise.

D'Amato: What the hell is that commotion at the door?

Masked Gunman: Allright Mother-stickers! This is a FUCK-Up!!!

Second Gunman: We mean business. Stay calm and follow orders
                          and nobody gets hurt. Understand?

First Gunman: EVERYBODY! Sit close to the table and put your
                      hands palms up where I can see them.

D'Amato: Excuse me, Gentlemen, but I'm Protected.
               I don't think you want to...

First Gunman: Shut up, Baldy, or I'll shut you up hard!

Quayle: I'm a-scared.

Rush: Oh, great! Quayle just shit his pants.

Quayle: Did not! Did not!

First Gunman: QUIET! Ok, now, everybody hold perfectly still...
                      (He speaks into a cell phone.)
                      Yes, Sir...yes Sir, Mr. Reed.
                      All is secure.

D'Amato: Oh, no... Oh, no... Omigod, omigod...

Rush: Fonz, you know this Mr. Reed?

(First Gunman opens the door and in walks...

...Ralph Reed.

Buchanan: Ralphie, Baby! What's going on? Why the goons?

Reed:

Dornan: Ralph, why the silent treatment? Talk to us, buddy!

Reed:

Rush: Ralph, is there...

Second Gunman: STAY SEATED!

Reed: You can take off your masks, boys.

Largeant: Whew! It was getting hot under there.

Coburn: Praise Jesus Christ.

Rush: What are the Jesus Twins doing here?

Reed: Gentlemen...

......we have a problem.

D'Amato: Oh, God... Omigod, omigod...

Reed: Yes, gentlemen, we have a small problem.
          (slowly circling the table)

          As you know, I've spent many years and many millions
          of dollars building my party into a powerhouse.

Rush: Your party? Since when di..

Largeant smacks his Glock into the side of Rush's head.

Rush: OW! That hurt!

Quayle: I'm a-scared.

Reed: (Still circling the table)
         Gentlemen, most of you have been good for me...
         But, I must tell you, I am ...somewhat disappointed.
         There's a traitor at this table.

D'Amato: Omigod.. omigod...

Reed: Gentlemen, there's a man at this table who was given a
         very simple job: To chair a committee that would pin
         some crimes on the current President.
         BUT... it seems this man had other ideas.

D'Amato: Please, please let me explain...
               I never, EVER...

(Coburn smacks his Sig into D'Amato's head)

D'Amato: OW!

Reed: Gentlemen, there's a man at this table who made sure that
         Bob Dole would win the New York primary without letting
         other, more qualified Republicans on the ticket.

        There's a man at this table who diverted a huge pile of
        cash from his campaign fund to promote that stupid,
        goddamn environmental bond issue here in New York
        - against my expressed wishes.

       There's a man at this table who accused House Republicans,
       ...MY House Republicans...
       of "scaring Americans" with their right-wing agenda.

       There's a man at this table who described my boy Dick Armey
       as "a big bag of wind." That one hurt me - deeeeep.

still circling...

       There's a man at this table who called Bill Clinton's recent
       State of the Union speech "right on the mark." I don't think a loyal
       member of Ralph Reed's army would do that. Do you?

      There's a man at this table who's loyalty was questioned by
       none other than the National Review, and you know what?
       I don't LIKE being embarrassed in MY newspaper.

      There's a man at this table who has made me angry,
      and I don't like to be angry.
      I like being nice.
      I prefer nice.
      I like old fashioned things, like loyalty.
      Loyalty is good.
      I also like apple pie.

       Tell me Senator D'Amato, do you like apple pie?

D'Amato: Please, Mr. Reed. Please try to understand...
               I'm dying in the polls, I'm... I'm...

Reed: I'm sorry - you're doing what at the polls?

D'Amato: I'm... I'm...

Reed: Say it!

D'Amato: (crying) Please, Mr. Reed, please give me another chance.

Reed: SAY IT, Al. What are you doing at the polls?

D'Amato: (Weeping uncontrollably) I'm dy...dying

Reed: Senator, do you like apple pie?

D'Amato: Yes... yes... I guess so...

Reed: And tell me, Senator. Do you like Chevrolets?

D'Amato: Uh-Huh...(sniff)

Reed: Tell me, MISTER D'Amato, do you like baseball?

          I KNOW you like baseball. Look here, in the corner.
          I see a baseball glove and a bat and a baseball.
          Are these yours, MISTER D'Amato? You like baseball?

D'Amato: Please, Ralph, plea...

Reed: That's MISTER REED!! MISTER REED!! MISTER REED!!

Quayle: I'm a-scared.

Reed: I asked you a question, Fonz. You like baseball?
         (Reed picks up the baseball bat and slaps the
         "sweet spot" into the palm of his left hand)

         How long are you going to make me wait for an answer?

D'Amato: Yes, Sir. I like baseball (sniff)

Reed: Still circling the table, he stops behind D'Amato and whispers to him
         Do you want to play some ball, Al?

D'Amato: Mr. Reed, please. I'm sure we can work this out.

Reed: One last thing, Al.
         What's your position on abortion?

D'Amato: Fuck those women!!
              They don't deserve any rights.
               I've seen the error of my ways, Sir.
               As of today, I'm pro-life - for SURE!!

Reed: You see, Al?
         You have no loyalty, Al.
         You're a goddamn, disloyal, sell-out bastard.

D'Amato: Yes, yes, yes. It's true.
               I'm no fucking good.

Reed: I can make the pain go away, Al.

D'Amato: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Reed takes the bat in his right hand, raises it high above his
head and pulls down with all his might on D'Amato's head.

(WHOMP!!!
(WHOMP!!!
(WHOMP!!!

"Do
(WHOMP!!!

you
(WHOMP!!!

see
(WHOMP!!!

how
(WHOMP!!!

I
(WHOMP!!!

handle
(WHOMP!!!

traitors?

WHOMP!!!
WHOMP!!!
WHOMP!!!

A river of blood runs out of Senator D'Amato's head
onto the pressed, white linen of the poker tabletop.

WHOMP!!!

Largeant: I think you can stop now, Sir.

WHOMP!!!

Reed: Well, now...Gentlemen... Does anyone have a problem
         with the action I had to take today?

Rush: No, Sir.

Buchanan: No, Sir.

Dornan: No, Sir.

Quayle: whimpering No, Mister Reed.

Slappy: I ain't cleaning this up...

Reed: I don't like it when my sheep disobey.

All:     Yes, Mister Reed.

Reed: A warning to the rest of you. This is MY party.
         I... I am the Republican Party - understand?

All:     Yes, Mister Reed.

Reed: The next traitor gets the same,
          along with his whole fucking family.

All:     Yes, Mister Reed.