You see this little guy?
 His name is "Nugent."

 He's a puppy I bought from the K-Drag pound yesterday for $49.
 I want to apologize up front for this, because it's not pretty,
 but I'm getting desperate about this election and time's running out.

 It looks like Gore is going to win - "big time" and I want that NSX.

 So here's what you need to do:
 You need to vote for Smirky on Nov 7th, and you must convince 20 friends to do the same,
 and you must convince them to convince 20 friends to vote for the idiot from Texas, especially
 if they live in Missouri, Michigan or Pennsylvania, because if Smirk loses this, if Gore wins,
 I'm going to shoot Nugent.

     "Please help me!!   Don't let the bad man shoot me!!"

 That's right, this dog won't be seeing Thanksgiving if Gore wins.
 Little Nugent is going to Doggie Heaven if Smirk doesn't win.

 I'm sorry to have to resort to violence, but I just can't take anymore.
 A Gore Administration will make me die from boredom,  and that means this dog
 may have to die to save my life, making this a clear case of self-defense.

 This is something you must do. How will you feel if you check bartcop.com
 on November 8th and see the pictures of the remains of poor little Nugent?
 You should have seen him when I picked him up from the pound.
 His tail was wagging, and he was jumping up and down - he was so happy.

 He's a smart dog, too.
 I didn't even have to use the chain they gave me.
 I just said, "Nugent, wanna go home?" and when he heard, "home,"
 he ran to my car and waited for me to open the door.

 I'll tell ya, he's a real nice little puppy, but he's going to be horse food
 if Gore ends up winning this election, so help me Koresh!

 And don't try calling the FBI or anything, because it won't help.
 If they try to storm the house, I'll just use the Glock and off him.
 If they try when I'm not home, that won't help either, because I keep Nugent
 in a box suspended over BartCop Creek, and if my burglar alarm goes off,
 the dog falls into the creek and will surely drown before they can save him.

 "Please don't let me drown!!   I'm afraid of water!!"

 So get on the phone right now and call those 20 friends.
 Have them call 20 friends, too, and you'd better hurry.
 They say Gore has an insurmountable lead in the battleground states,
 but that's bad news for you if it's true, and it's damn bad news for Nugent.
 What you need to do is keep your head, remain positive, and make those calls.

 If you forget to tell your 20 friends to call their 20 friends, well, you're just
 wanting to see this little guy go to Doggie Heaven, so this is really your fault.

 Remember, these events are not set in stone.
 It's possible Smirk could still pull this out.
 He just needs a little luck, a gangbusters performance at Smirk's Last Stand,
 and maybe a cold, rainy day on the 7th and this may all turn out OK.

 If Smirk wins, we can all go back to fun and games like we had before
 but the time for frivolties and niceties is over. This is a serious matter,
 and  sometimes serious matters call for serious, even drastic measures.

 So get busy and make those phone calls.
 I suggest you distribute Nugent's picture, too.
 maybe if your mushy liberal friends understand the carnage they'll cause
 to this sweet little puppy, they'll change their minds about voting for Mr Bore.

 Don't try to trick me, I know what I'm doing.
 Just remember, this little guy's fate is in your hands.
 If Smirk wins, everything's going to be OK for little Nugent.
 But if Smirk has a bad day on November 7th, so will Nugent.

 Now, get going, and NO TRICKS!
 Any funny business and the dog gets it early.

 VOTE SMIRK on NOV 7

"Please don't let him kill me!! Please vote for Smirk!!"