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Republican Answer Syndrome  (RAS)

In the animal kingdom, males exhibit what is known as "display
behavior" in order to attract females and to ward off rival males.
They thrust out their chests, ruffle their plumage, and generally
try to appear more impressive than they really are.  On nature
shows, this is comic.  It appears comic, too, when it shows up among
Republicans :  the guy in the Camaro with all the gold chains, say,
or Arnold Schwarzenegger's haircut.  This year we have discovered
that display behavior is much more common among Republicans than had
been previously believed.

Have you ever wondered why:

Republicans who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about
the mentality of the Japanese ?

Republicans who can't pay their credit-card bills have a plan for
dealing with the national debt ?

Republicans who aren't on speaking terms with their families know
how to achieve peace in the Middle East ?

Republicans who flunked high-school physics can explain what went wrong at NASA?

Republicans who haven't had a date in six months know what women really want ?

Try an experiment :  Ask my friend Jeff, who spends his weekends
fixing up his Harley and watching female mud wrestling, how he
thinks political autonomy will affect the economies of the Baltic states.

His brow will furrow; he will purse his lips thoughtfully. "It's
interesting that you mention that ..." he will begin, and then he
will come up with something - probably nothing remotely feasible,
but _something_.

This behavior - the chronic answering of questions regardless of
actual knowledge or commonly available facts is known as Republican
Answer Syndrom. The compulsion to answer varies from person to
person, but few Republicans are happy saying, "I don't know."  They
prefer, "That's not what's important here."  The louder, the more
likely to drown out nearby rational observations.

They do not to get bogged down by petty considerations, such as, "Do
I know anything about this subject ?" or "Is what I have to say
interesting or even mildly relevent ?"  They take a broad view of
questions, treating them less as requests for specific pieces of
information than as invitations to expand on some theories, air a
few prejudices, and tell a couple of simple-minded jokes.  Most
Republicans seem to regard life as a talk show on which they are the
star guest.  If you ask, "What is the capital of Peru ?" they hear,
"So tell us a bit about Clinton's cock, Bob.  Leave nothing out."

Sometimes this expansiveness is appealing.  If you ask a Democrat,
"Why did Hillary NOT cut Bills 'nads off ?" she will simply shrug
helplessly, acknowledging that some mysteries are simply unknowable.
 A Republican, on the other hand, will come up with a few theories
(she is also one of Satan's pawns ? overdose of Prozac ?  it was
actually threesomes and she is getting away with it ?).  Republicans
have the courage and inventiveness to try to explain the inexplicable.

But Republican Answer Syndrome (RAS) is by no means harmless, as my
friend Pauline discovered at the age of 8.  She noticed that when
her father beat her about the head it made her teeth hurt, and asked
him whether Eskimos had the same problem.  "No," he said.  "They
have rubber teeth."  Pauline repeated this information in a
geography lesson and found herself the laughing stock of the class.
That was how she learned that a Republican, even if he is your own
father, would rather make up an answer than admit to his ignorance.

Later in life Democrats in general run into the same problem :
Republicans can speak with such conviction that Democrats may be
fooled into thinking that they actually know what they're talking
about.  This misleading perception is the major cause of agreements
that appear bipartisan at first, until the Republicans later forget
about anything as inconvenient as an agreement.  This phase is often
followed by the beating of war drums around anyone suspected of
being non-Republican and joyful goose-stepping to drown out the
cries of the oppressed.

My friend Jeff (he of the Harley) is full of expertise on subjects
as diverse as global warming and Vince Foster's current whereabouts.
 In reality, however, he is an expert at only one thing :  making
very little knowledge go a very long way.  For him, answering is a
game, and not knowing what he's talking about just adds to the thrill.

Expressing even the mildest of skepticism can be highly
inflammatory.  Mild-mannered Abe Lincoln types may react to, "Are
you sure about that ?" as a vicious slur on their Republicanhood and
find themselves backing up a ludicrous assertion with spurious
facts.  Democrats are cautioned to only play this (sometimes)
entertaining game with Very Safe Subjects, such as "Was Reagan's
hair colored or natural ?" or "Did Nixon ever pick his nose ?"

Do not, repeat, DO NOT engage in this activity with real world
examples, such as "Is it God's will that man is entitled to SUV's ?"

Republicans most commonly adopt an aggressive-posture /
pointless-rationalization point of view.  The unique "stupidity
factor" is not based upon consistent fallibility, but rather upon
the obnoxious extent to which the Republican will go to defend its
erroneous assertions.

A typical exchange may be one in which a skeptical human challenges
a Republican's assertion that the city of Tijuana is militarily
superior to the United States.  Rather than back down, the
Republican will proceed to support its claim with a slew of
fictitious "facts" and "evidence," including reports of troops
massing at the border of Mexico, armed with cheap pottery.

It will then freely rant about how Clinton has personally
demoralized and deconstructed the most powerful military the world
has ever seen with his own two hands, and that several trillion
dollars in immediate emergency spending are now required to stem the
'Red Hoard' about to pour across the border.  A tax break of
equivalent size, immediately granted to the 1% of the population
currently controlling 80% of all wealth, is critical if we are to
speed this process up before it's too late.

RAS tends to be mild until puberty.  Prior to that, Young
Republicans are merely parroting the brainwashing they have been
immersed in at home.  Boys begin to speak with authority on matters
of foreign policy at the same time they start to grow facial hair.
Girls know exactly which species may be sacrificed from the face of
the planet about the time they discover they require make-up made
from the tear-ducts of endangerd sea turtles to get boys to throw
money at them.

Growing awareness of RAS has led some to call for a moratorium on
all Republican-Democrat conversation.  This is alarmist.  But care
should be taken.  Democrats must remind themselves that if a
Republican tells them something particularly interesting, there is a
directly proportional probability that it is particularly untrue.

And, do not underestimate the danger of this disease.  Republicans
know no limits to the tax money they will spend to uncover secret
evidence to 'prove' they have asserted something they believe to be
true.  They will use any law and any government force necessary to
destroy those who do not believe as they belive unquestioningly.

It's time for a new battle cry :  McCarthy is dead.  Keep him that way.
 

Papa Bear