Hello, Americans.
This is Paul Harvey.
You know the news, in a moment,
you're going to hear The Rest
of The Story!!
"If you want bad speakers, buy from Bose.
I learned my lesson from the pros.
You'll get no highs, you'll get no lows.
Bose is endorsed by stupid ho's."
And now, The Rest of The Story!
Little Rusty grew up in a small town in Missouri.
He had a terrible childhood.
You see, his mother was a vicious lie, and his father was a racial
slur.
Little Rusty tried to please his Dad, but his father was a sick, evil
man.
Rusty's troubles started early in life.
His domineering father insisted on personally teaching Little Rusty
his toilet training.
He told Rusty a clean ass was very important.
His Dad was very domineering.
Rusty hated his Dad.
At age 5, Rusty began to wet the bed.
His Dad's cure was .....
Well, this is AM radio.
I choose not to go into detail.
I choose not to go into detail.
The specifics aren't important, but the result is.
As Little Rusty grew older, things didn't get any better.
When he was eleven, he was arrested for poking a
neighborhood dog in the genitals with a fork.
To punish him, his dad made him wear a pink dress.
He didn't get along with the other kids, either.
All the girls thought he was "icky."
Rusty never had a date.
The boys kicked his ass regularly.
They even took turns.
He was voted "Most Likely To Fuck Up" in high school.
Rusty vowed revenge on all of them.
"I vow, if I ever get the chance,
I'll get even with those.....those.....elites."
After high school, Rusty tried to get a job, but nobody would hire him.
The only job he ever got was at his Dad's radio station.
His Dad verbally abused him every day.
His father's torments ate at Rusty's gut.
His father's torments ate at Rusty's gut
Pretty soon, Rusty lost interest in personal hygeine.
He blamed his Dad.
One day, he noticed his pants were getting tighter.
Now, Rusty was a big guy, but how could his pants get so tight so fast?
Something wasn't right.
Rusty ignored nature's warning.
He continued his job at his Dad's radio station
until May of 1971, when he got a letter from Uncle Sam.
Uncle Sam was busy kicking Charlie out of South Vietnam
and needed some help from young, unmarried patriots.
Rusty wanted to help - honest he did!
So Rusty reported to the draft board.
The military doctors discovered Rusty's problem.
He had a 40-pound cyst on his ass.
They called it a pilonidal cyst.
"Pilon" is Latin for "hair."
Rusty asked the doctor how he got the cyst and learned
it was the result of poor personal hygeine.
Dirty Rusty wasn't wiping himself very well.
He wasn't washing "back there."
In the Army, they call it "jeep rot," because soldiers
at war don't have access to toilet paper and they often
walk or ride for weeks without proper hygeine.
This is all true.
However, this 40-pound cyst kept Dirty Rusty
from joining the armed services.
I wonder who went in his place?
Rusty went back to his job at his Dad's station.
Eventually, his Dad fired him, too.
Rusty moved on to two failed marriages and a series
of radio jobs where, he admits, he was fired 9 times.
Rusty's teenage medical problems were forgotten until he became famous.
He became so famous in show business, his enemies decided to look into
his past.
Rusty was a gung-ho hawk on America's fighting forces.
Eventually, people wondered what Rusty did in the war.
What were his heroic adventures like?
How many times did he prove his courage under fire?
Did he get the Silver Cross?
How many Purple Hearts did Rusty have?
Did he save an entire division?
With half his brain tied behind his back, just to make it fair?
You may know Rusty by another name.
His radio show is carried by 600 stations.
Dirty Rusty is actually.... Rush Limba.
My sources tell me nobody has ever avoided the draft
by being "too dirty" before.
..and now you know ...The Rest of The Story.