WARNING: I was working from an audiotape, not a videotape, when I wrote this, so I had to remember the visual part as well as I could. There are a couple of missing words along the way, and I probably garbled a line here and there. If you can do better, go ahead...

Cast Includes...

John Roarke as Ronald Reagan (Frank)
Melanie Chartoff as Janet / Lips
Michael Richards as Brad Minor
Darrow Igus as black militant (Rocky)
plus...
George Bush impresonator (Riff)
Richard Nixon impersonator (Eddie)
Standard Columbia, Magenta, and Criminologist
A bunch of old rich people (Transylvanians)

--{Song: "Politicians / Double Dealers"}--

LIPS: Jimmy Carter felt ill
When his campaign stood still
And in panic tried to explain
But the voters didn't care
They had had it up to there
Besides they needed someone to blame
Then a new voice came along
Said the liberals had been wrong
What we need is a leader with verve
Then on election night
You told them they were right
Now you got what you deserve
Like those...

Politicians -- double dealers
Special interests -- faithless healers
See young men fighting -- worker layoffs
Slush-fund scandals -- corporate payoffs
Woah oh oh oh
It's the '80s -- Ronnie Reagan -- Horror Show

***

[Thunder and lightning; Brad and Janet are standing on the porch in the pouring rain!]

JANET: Oh!.... Oh, Brad! I'm frightened!

BRAD: Relax, Janet. They probably have a phone.

JANET: Oh, Brad, this place looks evil. I feel sinister forces at work!

BRAD: Janet, you're getting paranoid. You shouldn't have smoked that joint!

[Huge roar from the audience!]

BRAD: They're probably justa buncha ole hippies.

[Knock, knock, knock. Door creaks open. George Bush as Riff answers.]

BRAD: Hi, I'm Brad Minor... Uh, this is my old lady, Janet... Uh, we were on our way to an anti-nuke rally when our car broke down. I wondered if you had a phone we could use.

GEORGE: Come in. You're just in time. We're having a little rally of our own.

BRAD: Sounds great. (to Janet) See? I... I told you they were cool. And you were worried! (chuckles)

***

CRIMINOLOGIST: I would like... if I may... to tell you a most unusual tale. The dark clouds of political change hung heavy on the horizon as Brad and Janet -- two bright, average, liberal- minded kids made their way one Friday night to an anti-nuke rally -- unaware of the bizarre events about to befall them.

***

[Brad and Janet are inside the house now. Instead of Transylvanians, though, there are a bunch of old, white rich people in the ballroom.]

JANET: Oh, Brad, I'm frightened!

BRAD: Janet...

JANET: Brad, I'm really scared!

BRAD: Janet, let me handle this. Don't worry... Hey, you call this a rally? Where's the wine, the cheese? Where's Jackson Browne?

[Everyone laughs.]

GEORGE: I'm afraid you won't be attending your precious little rally this evening. There's been enough money wasted on worthless social programs. Your kind *had* your chance. And what did that get us? Rising inflation, killers on probation, sexual tit-i-la-tion.

BRAD: Maybe he's right. Maybe it *was* our fault.

JANET: But we *meant* well!

BRAD: Hmmm...

JANET: What went wrong?

--{Song: "Let's Fight the Big One"}--

MAGENTA: It's been a nation -- under sedation

GEORGE: And liberals -- have run the show!

MAGENTA: But things are changing!
Maybe not for the better!

GEORGE: We -- have seized -- control!!
I remember -- fighting the big one
Killing -- those Japanese
And the allies invading
And the Nazis parading

ALL: Let's fight the big one again
Let's fight the big one again

CRIMINOLOGIST: You seek direction

ALL: And so you turn to the right

CRIMINOLOGIST: Get your hands on a gun

ALL: And close your mind up tight
It's a simple answer
That even you can understand
Let's fight the big one again
Let's fight the big one again

MAGENTA: It's so good for the wealthy.
Who can afford to stay healthy
And the underpriveleged -- you won't see at all
With just a bit of a tax cut
And the end of a -- [firm butt???]
Oh, everyone opposed to us will fall

GEORGE: We don't actually know them

COLUMBIA: We just want to control them -- oooh!

ALL: Let's fight the big one again
Let's fight the big one again

[Applause!]

BRAD: I can relate! I don't agree with you, but I *can* relate!

JANET: Oh, Brad! Don't you see what these people are doing? These people...

BRAD: Janet, relax! This a great chance to have an intelligent conversation with these right wingers!

[Music starts in background.]

JANET: Brad, please, let's get out of here.

BRAD: Dammit, Janet! Now let's keep our minds open! After all, these people *do* have a lot of power.

[Ronald Reagan makes his entrance in Frank-N-Furter cape! Janet screams!]

--{Song: "Arch Conservative"}---

RONNIE: How do you do? I see you've met...
My faithful -- Vice President
I'm sure he would deny
But I know he'd like to be
The White House -- resident
Don't be put off
By what you've heard
I'm not a power-mad glutton
You should just feel relieved
That the world is safe
Don't forget who pushes -- the button

[Ronnie takes off the cape -- showing off the lingiere underneath. Everyone goes nuts over this!]

RONNIE: I'm just an arch-conservative,
Anti-intellectual -- chief executive
From Cal-i-for-ni-a, ah ha ha
Let me tell you the score
I think liberals are a bore
All they do is sit and complain
I'm a man of action
I've alligned with any faction
How do you think I won -- the campaign?
I'm just an arch-conservative
Anti-intellectual -- chief executive
From Cal-i-for-ni-a, ah ha ha S
o try it our way

ALL: Way!

RONNIE: It's not as bad as they say

ALL: Say!

RONNIE: Well, I think our party may just suit you
I've been, um, making a man

ALL: Oooh!

RONNIE: A Re-pub-li-can

ALL: Ahhh!

RONNIE: My hopes for America's future
I'm just an arch-conservative
Anti-intellectual -- chief executive
From Cal-i-for-ni-a, ah ha ha

[Applause!]

BRAD: (to Ronnie) Hi, I'm Brad Minor! Uh, this is my old lady, Janet!

RONNIE: Enchante'!

GEORGE: Their car broke down on the way to an anti-nuke rally.

[The Trannies all go, "Awwwww...."]

RONNIE: How... unfortunate! Um, uh... You'll, um... you'll have to stay the night. Uh, of course... you're married...?

JANET: Well, no.

BRAD: Oh, we don't believe a relationship is made or broken by just a little piece of paper.

RONNIE: Oh, how... how *liberated* you are How, um... *bohemian*! (giggles) Of course, you're, uh... you're probably no strangers to.. to group sex.

BRAD: Hey, we don't have to stand here and listen to that!

JANET: Brad, please!

RONNIE: No! It excites me! Brad... how... how tactless you are! How... how hostile! How... (giggles suggestively) How misinformed! My administration could... *use* a man like you!

[Everyone laughs at this! There's some whooping and hollering, too.]

BRAD: Oh, you're wasting your time. We've heard that song-and-dance before!

RONNIE: Pity! That's what's wrong with this country! Everyone's so... cynical! Why can't the American people just *trust* their leaders?

[To answer that question, Richard Nixon makes Eddie-like entrance on a motorcycle. General chaos ensues!]

--{Song: "Holey Moley"}--

NIXON: Whatever happened to Watergate?
That bungled break-in on that fateful date
And who can forget that 18-minute gap
When they played the tape, and I played the sap
I used to laugh with the CIA
Plotting covert actions [earning shirts that way???]
And I can stillremember the look on my face
When I realized what I forgot to erase

ALL: Holy moley! What a fate!
He was ruined by Watergate
Holy moley! What a fate!
He was ruined by Watergate

NIXON: I used to brag about my victories
I was really something when I went overseas
I ended the war, and that ain't all
I helped inflation rise and Chile fall

ALL: Holy moley! What a fate!
He was ruined by Watergate
Holy moley! What a fate!
He was ruined by Watergate

[Great applause and whistling!]

RONNIE: Dickie, how nice of you to crash the party!

NIXON: Do you think I'd miss this bash just because you didn't invite me?

GEORGE: Mister President...

RONNIE: (to Nixon) Not you!

GEORGE: We're ready... whenever you are!

RONNIE: (makes a speech) My friends, tonight I unveil my grand plan for America's future! After years of experimentation, I have finally done it! I have created the ultimate conservative!!!

[The "ultimate conservative" is revealed to be a black militant, like a member of the Black Panthers. Hoots and hollers all around. Somebody shouts, "Bravo! Bravo!"]

RONNIE: Isn't he beautiful?

[Agreement all around.]

RONNIE: And *we* created him! We gave him life!! He's a reflection of everything we want this country to be!

MILITANT: (angrily) The poor and oppressed people of this country must continue their heroic struggle of liberation against the racist, facist dogma and white lies, perpetrated by the priveleged pro.. protagonists of the imperialist power structure! And I'm talkin' to YOU, Grandma!!!

RONNIE: (shocked) There must be some mistake! Thi.. this can't be *my* creation! I could never...

JANET: Well, that's where you're wrong, Mr. President. He *is* your creation, borne of your narrow-minded, moralistic viewpoints!

BRAD: Janet!

RONNIE: But... but how did that *happen*? I...

--{Song: "Let's Fight the System"}--

GEORGE: It's regretful...
You were forgetful!
But the revolution -- has never --- died!

MAGENTA: You can suppress it!

JANET: But not destroy it!

NIXON: Take it from me
You know -- I tried!

JANET: Well, I remember...
Joining the movement

BRAD: Protest was easy -- back then

JANET: And the students were marching

BRAD: And the country was watching

ALL: Let's fight the system again!
Let's fight the system again!

RONNIE: I'll call out the guards!

ALL: But that won't make us unite

RONNIE: Well, I'll just, I'll wage.. I'll wage a war!

ALL: And we''ll refuse to fight!
It's the instant karma -- that's gonna get you in the end
Let's fight the system again!
Let's fight the system again!
Let's fight the system again!

[Applause, cheering... A standing ovation!!!]

NOTE: "Fridays" was a late-night comedy variety show that ran from 1980 to 1982. Essentially, this was ABC's unsucessful attmempt to create its own version of NBC's "Saturday Night Live." Although "Fridays" was a flop, they did manage to pull off a few good movie parodies, such as this elaborate 17- minute send-up of "RHPS." By the way, the cast includes Michael Richards as Brad. Michael's now famous as Cosmo Kramer on "Seinfeld." Melanie Chartoff, who plays Janet, went on to HBO's "Not Necessarily the News" and the Fox sitcom "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" (she was Ms. Musso.) Melanie now provides the voice of Tommy's mother on Nickelodeon's "Rugrats" and is a frequent guest star on episodic television (sitcoms, that is).