Mr. Rove’s famous speech redelivered, moments after his icy veins are injected with industrial-strength truth serum.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the
attacks and prepared for war; liberals saw the savagery
of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments
and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers.
Ah, that’s not right. I feel odd. Gee, I almost feel … like … telling the … truth.
Let’s try that again, folks. Strike the other. Here’s what pretty much went down …
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 in the
attacks and prepared for the greatest propaganda
blitz in political history. Liberals saw the
savagery of the 9/11 attacks and foolishly let us take advantage of it.
Images
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and promptly
prepared to invade the wrong country.
Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks
and cowered themselves into permitting it.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and prepared
for reciprocal savagery -- innocent men, women and children,
made no difference to us, just like the 9/11
skunks. Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to
prepare for a more intelligent “war on terrorism,”
starting with the understanding that the mobilization of men and
hardware against a nebulous tactic, an amorphous
concept, is a waste of men and hardware -- and devastating
to innocents and our national honor.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and prepared
for some badly needed image-polishing of the biggest loser
ever to sit in the White House. Liberals saw
the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and had a helluva time trying to contain
their laughter at photo-ops of our chief chickenhawk
trying to look tough.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and prepared
to bribe global friends into supporting our Iraq scheme to
give us political cover. Liberals saw the savagery
of the 9/11 attacks and saw that Iraq was already contained by
the coalition of the willing, known as the United
Nations.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and then
trashed the greatest supply of global good will this nation has
ever witnessed. Liberals saw the savagery of
the 9/11 attacks and hoped to use this good will to the nation’s advantage.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and soon
phonied up all kinds of crapola as to our motivations and
justifications for invading Iraq. Liberals saw
the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and kidded themselves into buying it.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and prepared
not one whit for Iraq’s post-invasion phase.
Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks
and wanted to know how in God’s name the neocons could have been so stupid.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and prepared
to create a new, improved, and much larger terrorist magnet and
training ground in the Middle East. Liberals
saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and saw the deadly counterproductivity
of our efforts.
Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and declared
war on domestic dissent. Liberals saw the savagery
of the 9/11 attacks and saw the evil that intolerance
reaps.
And finally, folks, conservatives saw the savagery
of 9/11 and prepared to cover up our almost incomprehensible
incompetence in ignoring what top counterterrorism
experts had been trying to tell us. Liberals saw the savagery
of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments
and offer anything but therapy and understanding for us,
the conservatives, the clowns who brought you
the Iraq insanity.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. We couldn’t have
done it without you.
Ain’t it amazing how we’ve gotten away with so
much for so long?
Well, gotta run. Have to call my defense lawyer.