Republican Heritability
 by Daniel Mendelsohn

 The startling discovery that affiliation with the Republican party is
 genetically determined, announced by scientists in the current issue of
 the journal Nurture, threatens to overshadow the announcement by
 Government scientists that there might be a gene for homosexuality in
 men.

 Reports of the gene that codes for political conservatism, discovered
 after a long study of quintuplets in Orange County CA, has sent shock
 waves through medical, political and golfing communities.

 Psychologists and psychoanalysts have long believed that Republicans'
 unnatural and frequently unconstitutional tendencies result from
 unhealthy family life--a remarkably high percentage of Republicans had
 authoritarian, domineering fathers and emotionally distant mothers who
 didn't teach them how to be kind and gentle. But biologists have long
 suspected that conservatism is inherited. "After all" said one author of
 the Nurture article, "It's quite common for a Republican to have a
 brother or sister who is a Republican."

 The finding has been greeted with relief by parents and friends of
 Republicans, who have tended to blame themselves for the political views
 of otherwise lovable people--their children, friends and unindicted
 co-conspirators.

 One mother, a longtime Democrat, clasped her hands in ecstasy on hearing
 of the findings. "I just knew it was genetic," she said, seated beside
 her two sons, both avowed Republicans. "I just knew nobody would
 actually CHOOSE that lifestyle!" When asked what the Republicans'
 lifestyle was, she said, "Well, you can just tell from watching TV, like
 at the convention in Houston: the loud outfits, the flaming xenophobia,
 the flamboyant demagogy--you know."

 Both sons said they had suspected their Republicanism from an early age
 but did not confirm it until in college, when they became convinced it
 wasn't just a phase they were going through.

 Despite the near certainty of the medical community about
 Republicanism's genetic origins, troubling issues remain. The Nurture
 article offered no response to the suggestion that the startlingly high
 incidence of Republicanism among siblings could result from the fact
 that they share not only genes but also psychological and emotional
 attitudes, being the products of the same parents and family dynamics.

 And it remains to be explained why so many avowed Democrats are
 known to vote Republican occasionally--or at least known to fantasize
 about doing so. Polls show that at three out of five Democrats admit
 to having had a Republican experience. In well-adjusted people,
 however, this experimentation rarely outlasts adolescence.

 Surprisingly, some Republican activists hail the findings as a step
 forward rather than as an invitation to more conservophobia. They argue
 that since Republicans didn't "choose" their unwholesome life style any
 more than someone "chooses" to have a ski-jump nose, they shouldn't be
 denied civil rights to which normal people are entitled.

 Other Republicans, recalling 19th century scientific studies that
 "proved" the mental inferiority of blacks, find the frenzied search for
 the biological cause of Republicanism pointless if not downright
 sinister.

 But for most real Americans, the discovery opens a window on a brighter
 tomorrow. In a few years, gene therapy could eradicate Republicanism
 altogether.

 If conservatism is not the result of sheer orneriness (as many suspect)
 but is something Republicans can't help and probably don't even like,
 there's no reason why we shouldn't tolerate Republicans in the military
 or even high elected office--provided they don't flaunt their political beliefs.