That mean old Dr. Laura has turned into that dull old Dr. Laura.
 The result is a television talk show that sounded like it would be a hot potato
 but plays more like cold pizza.

 A moral absolutist who has developed a large following with her syndicated radio program,
 Laura Schlessinger and her "Dr. Laura" show came to TV this week via the struggling UPN network.
 A viewing of the first four shows (the fifth airs today at 1 on Channel 20) finds Dr. Laura somewhat
 defanged and declawed yet still obnoxious, bossy and self-righteously abrasive.

 Why would people want to watch this? Perhaps if all other channels
 mysteriously went off the air. Even then, the temptation would be to avoid it.

 "Dr. Laura" might be endured but seems unlikely to be enjoyed.

 There was not a peep on any of her opening shows about the topic that has earned Dr. Laura
 her most vehement detractors: homosexuality. On her radio show,  she has labeled it "deviant"
 behavior comparable to "bestiality" and  "pedophilia." As a hugely predictable result, UPN's decision
 to give Dr. Laura a  TV platform drew howls of protest from gay activist and human rights groups.

 Apparently Dr. Laura was of the opinion that gay people hadn't suffered enough bigotry and
 ignorance over the years and so she volunteered to offer yet  more.

 Suppose there had been no controversy; how would a reasonable person react to the "Dr. Laura" show?
 Probably with drooping eyelids. It's not a distinctive and certainly not a dynamic addition to the daytime
 talk show population. Mostly it's Dr. Laura preaching, hammering home her dogmatic beliefs, trotting out
 people who support her and dismissing or bullying those who don't. The woman's ego is an entire solar
 system unto itself--vast, limitless and appealing to only the bravest explorers.

 "I am very big on parents' responsibilities and parents' rights," she declared on her first show.
 Earlier that same hour: "I'm very much into 'Our Brothers' Keepers.' " On her third show she prefaced
 advice on gossiping by saying, "This is what I think the right thing to do is." On the second show,
 regarding the delicate matter of whether one spouse can engage in extramarital sex when the other
 spouse is totally incapacitated by illness, Dr. Laura said,  "Now I have something to say about this."

 Of course she does! She has something to say about everything. Not just opinions but pronouncements.
 Not insights, but what to her seem inarguable holy truths. On one program, she preceded her own
 statement by deriding the consensus  of "so-called experts."
 Physician, deride thyself.

 ha ha

 Dr. Laura is one of those radio stars to whom the camera is not a friend (although if Larry King could
 make the transition, arguably anyone can). Whatever surgical or cosmetic wonders were employed to
 give her a somewhat youthful face failed at about the chin line. Sometimes she tries to hide her saggy,
 baggy wattles with turtlenecks so high they almost reach her lips, but she still looks, well, creepy.

 Her speaking style is strident, she rarely shows compassion, and she is  anything but a comforting presence.

 She's the anti-Oprah.

 And we don't need one of those. At least not if it's going to materialize in such an off-putting form.
 Topics the first week concentrated on home and family, on whether an Internet romance is really an "affair,"
 on whether day care is good or bad (bad, says Dr. Laura), on how to keep your teens off drugs, and so on.

 The teen drug show revealed Dr. Laura at her most unyielding and rigid. She said she supported the small
 town of Lockney, Tex., which requires that every single student in junior high and high school be tested for
 drug use--kids as young as 12. One parent who finds it patently unconstitutional is suing.

 When a member of the studio audience said he would deal with a drug-taking child by smacking the kid
 "upside the head," Dr. Laura laughed approvingly.  Perhaps narrow-minded talk show hosts who think
 they know everything ought to be smacked upside the head instead.

 The firestorm of protest from gay groups scared away some sponsors in advance. During this first week's
 tepid shows, there were hardly any commercials from big-ticket advertisers, except maybe for Brinks
 Home Security and Summer's Eve douche. Otherwise it was the usual depressing daytime assortment
 of cheapo spiels--for truck-driving schools, 800-number junk, a ringworm cure and that vile huckster
 who does tarot-card readings over the phone.

 Why doesn't Dr. Laura do a show about "psychic hot line scams"? She'll probably do that one right
 after she tackles malicious harassment of gay youths.

 One can understand the appeal of Dr. Laura's Old Testament moralizing, and even the value of it,
 in an environment dominated by the sordid and violent exploitation concocted in Hollywood--by such
 studios as, for example, Paramount, which is owned by Viacom, which owns UPN (and is now part
 of an empire that includes CBS). It is lamentable, deplorable and worrisome.

 And yet Dr. Laura's prescription seems worse than the disease. It basically
 amounts to having all of us kneel and kiss her Gucci-booted feet.

 The show is poorly produced. Dr. Laura spends part of her time in the audience (on a set that looks
 like the Roman Senate in "Spartacus"), the way Oprah does--and a drabber, more forlorn studio
 audience you may never see.
 
 They look like hostages, not guests. Lord knows where the producers find them. The hapless, desperate
 director keeps cutting to reaction shots of people who look as if they have been hypnotized, tranquilized
 or embalmed. It adds to the overall mournful, poverty-row ambiance of the show.

 Her signature sign-off is already familiar to millions of Dr. Laura radio fans: "Do the right thing" or a
 slight variation thereof. If she uttered those words at the beginning of the show instead of the end,
 the logical reaction would be to tune to another channel. "Dr. Laura" is a bust.