Solaris
A movie review without spoilers.
Go ahead and read it, I won't tell you any more than you already
know.
Do you remember the classic Star Trek "Requiem For Methuselah,"
where Kirk and
Tyne Daly's Medical Center dad are fist-fighting to see who will
get Rayna, the pretty blonde?
There's a stand-out line when Spock tries to separate them, and
Kirk says,
"Get out of the way, Spock. Can't you
see we're fighting over a woman?"
(which is a really stupid thing for one man to say to another...)
...and Spock replies, "You are not,
for she is not."
Well, Solaris isn't like that.
Do you remember the classic Star Trek "What are Littler Girls
Made of?" where Nurse Chapel
finds her old lover Dr Corby, but it turns out "Corby" is just
a robot who has Corby's memories?
Well, Solaris isn't like that.
Do you remember the classic Star Trek "The Enemy Within,"
where the transporter splits Captain Kirk
into two people - a vicious, heartless but capable Republican
Kirk, and a pink-tutu Democrat Kirk who
constantly wrings his hands in fear and cries at the thought
of seeing his own shadow?
Well, Solaris isn't like that.
It's more like a really well-done Twilight Zone, because sometimes
facts ain't facts.
You know something's going on, but it takes a while to
figure things out.
Also, Clooney's wife looks and sounds like Sharon Osbourne.
She even used the "F" word, to make sure you got it.
Clooney is a shrink who gets a call that the Solaris space station
is infected with space monkeys.
(When he was on Letterman, Paul played "Volare" as he was introduced.)
When he gets there, he finds that one of the space monkeys is
his dead wife, Sharon.
Soderberg is a good writer and director, no problems there.
I think Soderberg was thinking Kubrick as he was directing, but
there was no HAL.
And Clooney's butt was on the screen so much, it was billed fifth.
"Clooney's butt was played by Clooney's butt."
It was produced by James "King of the World" Cameron, but the
ending was more "Abyss."
It's part some other movie, too, but I can't give that away.
Hint: cucumber
Doing the talk shows, Clooney kept saying it's that kind of movie
where you leave the theater saying,
"How did he know...? What tipped her
off...? How did that other guy...?" ...that kind of thing.
And guys, even tho Clooney's butt was billed fifth, you won't
be getting any after this movie.
There's too much, "What is life?"
and all those "What is mortality?"
kinds of questions.
She might need a hug when it's over, but trust me - expect no
more than a kiss on the cheek.
I can't even tell you if it has a happy ending or not, because
there's no way to tell what's what
until the last couple of minutes, and even then you'll have to
discuss it in the car afterwards.
One has to admire Clooney's choices of films.
He's taking the non-whore films, which don't always make a lot
of money.
He could be doing those Hollywood formula movies that open with
$40M if he wanted.
He could get him a franchise like Dirty Harry or Lethal
Weapon and rake in the dough,
but he's almost as bad as Johnny Depp at putting his art before
the box office.
I recommend you see Solaris,
if for no other reason than maybe afterwards, you can tell me
how the hell it ended.