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Mike the Dealer's Survivor Review
Survivor Heroes Vs Villains
Episode 9: The Dragonslayer Slain
We open at Villain camp in the night, Russell,
Pavarti and Danielle crow about defeating Boston Rob.
It’s all high fives and handshakes in the inner-core
of Team Russell. Russell does a promo declaring he beat Rob,
so he’s now officially the man, he’s controlling
the game, and he’ll beat everyone.
Coach whines in a promo that they’ve done gone
and screwed everything up by voting out Boston Rob,
he declares Russell a bully. We then get a shot
of Jerri wondering if voting out Rob was the right play or not,
and that she misses Rob already. Coach asks her
why she was so quick to get rid of Rob. Jerri lies and says
she wasn’t quick to get rid of him, when well,
first chance she got, she booted him, OWN YOUR DECISIONS JERRI.
This whole episode is just chock full of stupid
garbage like this as the Villains, who had been world beaters, suddenly
melt
into a bunch of craven whiny backbiters who can’t
admit that they’ve made a series of bad decisions up to this point.
I agree.
They know there are cameramen all around then,
recording every move and every word,
then they deny that did or said something that
millions of people saw them do - why?
Coach declares Russell a ‘piece of work’ and asks
Jerri if she’s really going to go with Russell to the final 5,
or if they should ‘make a play’…Coach, talking
politics?! What has this world come to? Coach finishes his promo
declaring the Villains to be ruined, that they
won’t win another challenge and to ‘pray for the merger’
As I said last week, if the Indianapolis Colts
throw Payton Manning off the team,
how are they going to whine, "We don't have anyone
who can throw a touchdown pass?"
But that's what they did. They don't have any
food.
I doubt anyone reading this has gone day after
day with no food.
And by "no food," I mean all they have to eat
is a few crabs they catch on the beach.
(When coach gets thrown off, he finds out he
lost 22 pounds in 21 days.)
I thought the fun was gone with Boston Rob, but
I find immense joy in watching the short-sighted assholes
whine about food after they sent their food procurer
to the gallows. Jerri is my favorite now.
"I'm so hungry - why did we vote off Boston
Rob?" ha
ha
Back from credits we go to Hero camp, where Colby
and Rupert are doing stupid man stuff with a Texas State Flag.
JT, who honestly should have the caption “JT-
Only Hero With A Brain” does a promo about how the plan originally
was to go find the hidden idol as a group, but
well, to hell with that, I’mma gets me some hidden idol!
Candice and Amanda ponder where JT’s run off
to as JT finds the idol.
Amanda happens to catch JT red handed with the
idol, so he quickly cops to having found it, then Candice shows up,
at this point we get a JT promo where he says
that he figured his best plan was to just confess to having the idol and
act
like he’d done this because he’s a team player,
and the Heroes, being rubes, buy it.
Well all of them except Candice, who is the next
Hero to go home anyway, so she doesn’t count, she tells Amanda that
Amanda was very lucky to have walked up on JT
when she did or else he’d have just pocketed the idol and committed
the perfect crime. Candice does a promo that
JT is a snake oil salesman and he’s running this tribe and nobody ever
bothered to do anything to challenge his reign
of terror at camp Hero. Amanda nods and acts like she cares about what
Candice has to say, all the while just longing
for Candice to shut up so Amanda can go back to letting JT run things.
The Villains whine about starving and Coach declares
that they need to quit sucking in a promo, they get treemail and
think the clue hints at a merger, so they destroy
their camp to bring everything with them to the challenge.
Pavarti and Danielle talk about how they hope
this is a merger.
At the challenge we begin with gasps of shock
from the Heroes when Boston Rob is seen as being the latest boot from
the Villains. When asked about what he thinks
about this, Rupert declares that clearly it’s a woman’s alliance.JT tells
Russell
“Hang in there” Russell then gives a promo declaring
the Heroes to be idiots, FOOLS…HE’S RUSSELL DAMMIT!
HE RUNS THIS GAME! But he’ll deign to allow the
Heroes to be mistaken about who’s in charge for now.
Jeff teases the merger before dashing the Villains
hopes and reveals today’s reward challenge is for the feast they see
before them, and it’s Survivor Bowling. Coach
for some sick reason declares that they must win this challenge, and therefore
sits out Sandra and Courtney the two gimps on
the Villains tribe, thus assuring the Villains will lose the immunity challenge
later in the show, since Sandra and Courtney
will have to play in it. Exactly why on earth he thought there would be
physical
skill required for bowling I have no idea.
We’re playing to ‘3’ according to off camera lying Jeff. ha ha
Round 1 is Rupert Vs Pavarti. Pavarti throws 2 gutter balls, Rupert wins 3-0
Round 2 is JT Vs Danielle. Danielle throws 2 gutter
balls, JT wins 6-0, thank goodness the Villains kept these two
titans of bowling in the game and didn’t let
Sandra and Courtney bowl, they might have scored negative points!
Round 3 is Colby Vs Russell. Both men open with gutter balls, then Russell gets 5 and Colby gets 1, Villains in the game down 2-1 now.
Round 4 is Amanda Vs Coach. Both knock over 5
pins on their first ball, Coach gets 1 pin on his 2nd ball,
Amanda gets a lucky break and knocks over 2,
Heroes win the challenge 3-1.
For the record, this wasn’t 10 pin ‘big ball’
bowling this was little ball ‘candle pin’ bowling.
You know where there is a lot of candle pin bowling?
Massachusetts, so maybe somebody from Boston
would have been good at this challenge, I’m just
saying, is all.
Once again - I wonder how that feels.
To be not-quite really starving and to see eight
large, hot pizzas a few feet away and you can't have any
because you thought it would be fun to vote out
the food gatherer. We played this part back a few times
just to revel in their suffering.
No matter how good you are at Survivor,
if your teammates are brain-dead morans
who don't realise the value of food when you
don't have any - you're screwed.
The Heroes feast and celebrate they also are baffled
that the Villains voted out Rob. JT declares that the women
have to be in control. Of course if the women
were in control, wouldn’t Coach go? I mean Rob going means
there
was a political fight, and a 5 woman alliance
could pick and choose who to send home. But deep thinking is beyond
even JT, smartest of the Heroes. Rupert tells
the girls that the evil Villains girls will expect the noble Hero girls
to flip
to them, for reasons never explained by Rupert
save that girls just ally with girls cause all they want to do is hang
out
with their own gender and act catty, or something.
Amanda does a little promo about the Heroes being
awesome, her agent did excellent work to get this absolute nothing
of a promo on the air to get his charge more
screen time.
JT does a promo about how Russell and Coach will
go running to the Heroes due to the woman’s alliance in the Villains.
He then says something about how all this does
is make him want to continue his plan to ‘dominate’. As if there could
be
a voting pattern the enemy tribe could give you
that would tell you ‘well now is clearly the time to start throwing challenges
and voting people in our own tribe out, then
we’ll have them where we want them.’
Meanwhile at Villain camp it’s all screaming and
yelling. Jerri whines that destroying the camp was dumb, voting out Rob
was dumb (Note: Jerri voted for Rob.) sitting
out Courtney and Sandra in this challenge was dumb. Jerri is just fuming
mad,
but really has nobody to blame but herself she
jumped into bed with Russell and voted out Rob with the rest of his gang,
to hell with her complaining.
Coach continued lying to himself - asking why
"the others" voted Rob out.
Hey Coach, YOU failed to vote for Russell - that
move sent Rob home.
Why can't you idiots remember WE SAW YOUR
VOTE!
Trying to convince 18M people that you're innocent when they saw you
commit the crime is kinda - what's the word I'm
looking for - stupid?
This leads to a shouting match where Sandra defends
herself and Courtney and fights with Jerri and they all throw Coach
under the bus. Coach, knowing he doesn’t have
a leg to stand on, just eats some fruit and stands there looking like
‘Man, these broads is crazy.’ Sandra does
a promo lamenting that she’s stuck on the Villains, and that she should
be a Hero,
because she hates Danielle, Coach, Jerri and
really hates Russell even more, but well really she hates them all equally.
What’s interesting about all this is that she
didn’t bring up Pavarti in her list. Pavarti rules this game.
Sandra and Courtney lament that they are doomed,
Sandra says that since they are going to go next, and that they should
instead shift Russell’s attention towards Coach.
Sandra does a promo that Russell is the type of person who votes out people
who are threats to him. She says she’ll work
her magic and keep both Courtney and herself in the game for another couple
days.
We come back to Coach whining to Courtney. She
tells him to drop dead, because he was in on the Rob vote as much as
anyone else. It is awesome listening to Jerri
and Coach whine about the Rob vote as if they didn’t cause it by flipping,
it was 5-3 Rob over Russell until the two of
them decided to flip, so really if they want to complain about this,
they need only look in the mirror.
Russell and Sandra hang out and Russell assures
Sandra that nothing Courtney says will save Courtney from her ouster.
Sandra tells Russell that Coach is whining about
Rob going home, and that he wishes he’d voted out Russell instead.
Russell declares this treason "unacceptable"
and now Coach is dead meat. Sandra cuts a promo saying Russell’s good,
but he’s not good enough to beat her.
Russell tells Pavarti about Coach’s betrayal
(Parvati exclaims "Who does Coach think he is?" further sealing his fate)
and they agree he’s dead meat, Russell loves
this even more because he knows this will drive the Heroes to him because
they’ll be even more convinced of the Girls Alliance.
Pavarti and Russell laugh evil laughs.
Immunity challenge time. It’s a physical challenge,
so the Villains lose because Sandra and Courtney are deadweight,
Coach wins his leg, because he’s not dead weight,
and that’s really all one needs to know about the challenge.
Oh and when Jeff was off camera saying ‘we’re
playing to two’ the audio was way off on it…
It was like “WE’RE PLAYING TO TWO!” just a terrible
overdub. Godzilla movies are done with more care. ha
ha
After the challenge Danielle does a promo whining
about how Courtney needs to go and how it’s not fair that weak people
are kept in this game. Danielle of course was
cool with targeting Tyson with the idol vote, and last week when Coach
was
begging her alliance to vote out Courtney instead
of Rob just spat in Coach’s eye and went with the Rob vote. So only after
removing two of their strongest players does
Danielle suddenly decide ‘maybe we should cull the weak now.’
The Villains get stupider by the second.
Back from the challenge we’re at Villains camp,
Coach does a promo about how awesome he is, and how full of energy he is,
even giving us kung fu poses to show how full
of dragonslayer-fu he truly is. Man if I was on this show and knew I was
going home
I’d be doing this dumb crap all the time and
it would be awesome for the producers to edit my downfall.
Coach further talks about how maybe he should
take out Russell, which, since Sandra and Courtney would vote for anything
that would save them and odds, are Jerri could
be talked into it, he has the power to do so, but Coach is an idiot and
settles on Courtney.
Russell and Coach hang out, where Russell assures
Coach that everything’s going just fine and that Courtney is the vote,
Russell does a promo that he has all the votes
he needs for Villain Tribe Reform and will ram it down Coach’s throat.
Danielle wants Coach to stay, because again, she’s
horrified at the destroyed Villain tribe that she created.Russell loses
his mind
over this, telling her that she’s a fool, and
that if they keep Coach and they lose again, maybe he’ll vote her out.
HE’S RUSSELL
HANTZ! HE WON SAMOA!! HE DEFEATED BOSTON
ROB!!! HE RUNS THIS GAME!!!
Russell's self-promotion was kinda funny at first
(as in last season) but this constant, "I'm Russell Hantz" crap
is tiresome.
If they weren't so brain-dead, Russell would
be gone now, but sometimes idiots can't be saved from themselves.
Danielle does a promo that Russell’s insane
that they need to note vote out ‘another’ strong player (The limit for
Danielle is 2
after that she thinks voting out the strong is
just excessive.) and that Russell’s control freak ways have her really
debating what
play she’s going to make here.
Russell comes back to Danielle and Pavarti and
says maybe Coach should stick around 1 more vote. Pavarti complains
in a promo that the Villains can’t make up their
minds and they suck, it’s awful how dumb they are. Oh Villains, you are
fail.
I didn't get this part.
The plan was Coach, then Russell announces he's
changed his mind. If you watch the credits at the end, Russsell voted
for Courtney,
which means Russell's not in charge of anything
OR he can't control which name he writes down. I wonder which it
is?
Sidebar:
Have you ever wondered about Jeff's choice of words?
Once the votes are cast, Jeff says, "I'll go TALLY the votes."
You'd think it'd be more correct to say, "I go RETRIEVE the votes."
Are they admitting that, off-camera, Jeff tallied
the votes
so they could be revealed in the most dramatic
order?
The producers then give away the game by having
Danielle walk over to Sandra and Courtney and ask them if they are cool,
and they agree that they are in fact cool. This
means Coach goes home, because Danielle wouldn’t care less about their
votes
if they were voting out Courtney, it would be
5-2 with Coach/Jerri/Russell/Pavarti/Danielle. Danielle asking for Sandra
and
Courtney’s votes means that they need their votes
for the 5-2 on Coach.
...which seems to suggest that Russell isn't in
charge of shit.
I wonder if he realizes his "underlings" voted
different than King Russell?
We are taken to Tribal Council where Jeff pretty
much whines at the Villains
for voting out big strong men instead of voting
out gimpy little Courtney.
In other words, Jeff is asking why the tribe votes
in such a suicidal manner.
If I was Jeff, I'd want to know why they were
voting against food while starving.
It's "What's
the Matter with Kansas?" on a smaller
scale.
Think how different America would be if people
voted for their won best interests.
Poor people could vote themselves free health
care for life - they choose not to.
Instead, they vote for tax breaks for the rich
about half the time.
I wonder why people are so stupid?
Courtney snarks right back at Jeff for his horrible
attempts to meddle in the game. We finally get to the vote and it’s
a weird one that can only be explained by watching
the videos on CBS.com. Since Russell throws his vote at Courtney,
but does so knowing it’s wasted. He signed his
vote card “RHZ” to show Coach that he didn’t vote for him, as if he’s
trying to say ‘The girls did this, not me!’ Coach
is thusly voted out 4-3 (Honestly 5-2) as for some reason Pavarti and
Danielle let Russell be the one that panders
for jury votes. Coach is the first member of our jury.
NEXT WEEK- The Heroes give Russell their idol,
because just when you think the stupid in this game
can’t get any worse, they find ways to top themselves.
Yes, the promos show some of the dum,best moves
of the last few years, then they cut to JT saying, "I need to give Russell
the Idol,"
which is kinda like saying, "I'll bet Jack the
Ripper could use a nice, sharp knife like this one?"
THOUGHTS
Man, Jerri and Coach are just grade A pieces of
shit. Listening to them complain about the Rob vote was sickening.
They were the power in that vote, they decided
who went home, and they caused this to happen, to belly ache about
Russell being a bully or whatever is pathetic,
it’s refusing to admit you were responsible for what happened.
I’m glad Coach went home and I’m glad Jerri didn’t
know it was happening, to hell with the two of them.
Odds are Courtney goes next, but I’d think Sandra
and Courtney could try to get Russell to sent Jerri home next.
The time to blindside Russsell is right now.
They keep talking about "The girls' alliance,"
but are the girls too stupid to realize
if they vote together they can get rid of Russell
the Puppetmaster?
They've already decided that food is for losers,
so why not make the move now?
The Rob vote looks dumber by the minute. Russell
just had to have his big win and had to have it now, he couldn’t
boot Courtney and leave Rob crippled. He had
to remove Rob and be King Russell. Courtney going home would have
done the same thing as Rob going home, in that
it would establish Russell as controlling his tribe, but hey, why control
your tribe and keep them strong when you can
cripple your tribe, and turn the fringe of your alliance into weepy,
blubbering sissies who wish they didn’t vote
the way they did?
Of course even when Russell makes a horrible mistake,
he gets rewarded, because the Heroes are about to hand him
an idol to try to thwart the power of the evil
woman’s alliance. Russell is like the donkey at the poker table that can’t
lose
no matter how bad he gets his money in.
ha ha - That's very true.
Tyson loses his mind and screws up the split vote,
Coach and Jerri vote with him and then instantly regret doing so.
The Heroes see a Villains tribe on the brink
of total ruin and decide to save it by handing them an idol. The man is
dancing through rain drops if it wasn’t for his
tears at the Samoa reunion when he lost I’d half believe he’d have a
shot at winning this thing again.
If Russell loses a second game in a row, it could
drive him seriously crazy.
He thinks he won last year (He went to the second
island before the voted were counted)
He seriously believes he the best player of all
time, and he might be,
except the jury would eat glass before they'd
vote for friendless Russell.
Besides this moronic ‘smuggling of the idol’ this
week’s episode looks to be boring, the Villains should lose,
Jerri or Courtney will go home (Most likely Courtney)
if the Villains somehow win then Candice will go home,
both because she’s an outcast in her tribe, but
also she’s a girl, and girls are evil! The merger can’t get here fast enough.
Mike, excellent work.
It's hard to tell a coherent story from the viewpoint
of 12 people.
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