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Mike the Dealer's Survivor Review
Survivor: Heroes Vs Villains
Episode 3: Play ranging from questionable
to terrible.
We open at Villains camp after the tribal
that sent Randy home. Coach has a breakdown over Sandra calling him lazy,
he’s weeping and ready to quit Survivor. Tyson
tells him he has to man up, to quit wearing his feather to Tribal, to quit
telling stories, and quit doing his Kung-Fu in
front of everyone. Coach ignores all this, because he’s a self absorbed
idiot.
Tyson remarks that Coach is a long strong physically
this time around, and they need him around. Thinking about the insanity
that is Coach, odds are he was able to somehow
spin all his other stupidity as being “Dragon Slayer” tastic or something,
but being beaten repeatedly in challenges made
him hit the weights before this season so he could redeem himself challenge
wise.
Tyson, ever the loyal friend, rats out Coach’s
breakdown to the rest of the Villains, Boston Rob declares Coach to be
‘not much of a coach’ if he’s going to quit.
Boston Rob tells Coach that he’s ‘not on the outside’, I.E. he’s in Rob’s
alliance,
and that all Coach has to do is trust Boston
Rob. Coach laments that Rob doesn’t pal up with him except for challenges,
and all Coach really wants is to be loved. Rob
tells him to man up and quit being such a wimp.
More Coach-Porn as he does his Kung-Fu stuff then
fades out as we get to Heroes camp, where the tribe of boring losers
read about today’s reward challenge, which is
the product placement ariffic reward from Sears. The Heroes decide they
need
fishing gear and cooking gear, and hope to win
to ‘maintain momentum' from their massive 1-win winning streak.
Challenge time, and we find out the Villains have
selected tools and tarp for their items, didn’t they win a tarp two shows
ago?!
Did Russell burn the tarp?! Oh the mysteries
of Survivor.
One such mystery is that last week for the Immunity
challenge they played to 8 to win, this week, with 8 people on each side
they play to 4 to win?! So 1 person won’t play?!
And I noticed when Probst said ‘First team to 4 wins’ they cut away from
the shot they were using. I suspect more than
4 rounds were played and the rounds we saw were not in order at all.
The challenge itself is ‘slide on a slip and slide,
grab a ball that’s hanging from a sign marked with the number Jeff calls,
and then throw the ball into a basket’, you do
this to score a point.
We open with Coach Vs Tom, who gets the full name
intro from Jeff. Coach wins, because he is THE DRAGON SLAYER~!
If you still have Survivor on your DVR you’ll
see that a few stations were already missing their balls when this ‘first’
battle happened.
Also Coach celebrates with Tyson and Boston Rob,
who are both oily as all hell and have clearly already played.
(And according to the edit, Boston Rob never
plays.) Highly Edited Score ‘1-0 Villains’
“Round 2” Russell Vs Cirie. Russell wins, which
starts a trend in these grossly rigged ‘man vs woman’ matches.
Assuredly Not The Real Score ‘2-0 Villains’
“Round 3” Courtney Vs Candice, Candice scores
before Courtney can even attempt a shot
“As accurate as the Florida Recount Score 2-1
Villains”
“Round 4” Jerri Vs Amanda, Amanda misses her first
shot, Jerri sinks her first shot,
“The Score as told to us by FOX News 3-1 Villains”
“Round 5” Sandra Vs James, well this is fair.
Probst (Off Camera) says “If the Villains score they win” and then Boston
Rob
says ‘let’s go Sandra, no pressure’ which is
supposed to confirm Jeff’s comment, but I think it was more Rob just joking
with
the fact she got paired up with the monster that
is James. And James crushes her. Sandra’s shining moment was her doing
a
funny arm flex pose before losing. “As honest
as a wrestler claiming he has no idea what that steel chair is doing in
the ring
and why his opponent is now face down in a pool
of blood score, Villains 3-2.”
“Round 6” Danielle Vs Rupert, Once again Probst
off camera says that the Villains can win it here. And once again they
lose
the man Vs woman match up, which if we were to
believe they only played to 4, would be a load of crap that they only got
1 man Vs woman advantage to the Heroes 2.
“Totals as computed by a Diebold voting machine Tie 3-3”
“Final Round” Tyson Vs Colby, a tight shot of
Probst says ‘whoever wins this wins the challenge’ which was most likely
said
for some other match up. This match airs last
because Tyson and Colby both suck at shooting, missing repeatedly and thusly
building the drama before Tyson ‘wins’ the challenge
for the Villains. Tyson’s reaction to the ‘challenge winning shot’ is very
muted,
almost like it wasn’t really the game winning
shot, but the Villains are declared the winners and get their loot. A random
female
Villain says “Sears!” and thusly gets that plug
for Sears on the show. “Assuredly what the final score really was, the
check is
in the mail, and the part is on order Villains
4-3”
Back from the break the Villains celebrate their
loot an Russell grabs a knife, when he pulls it out of its sheath a note
falls out,
he laments not noticing it was not a part of
the knife but rather a piece of paper. Boston Rob picks up the note and
then reads
it out loud, telling everyone the general location
of a hidden immunity idol. Rob then laments that he didn’t keep his mouth
shut.
Saying he didn’t know any better cause he played
Survivor in a simpler, no-hidden idols time.
Russell becomes obsessed with the idol, even with
all the Villains declaring that the idol shouldn’t be hunted for, since
nobody
should have such an edge, and if you do go for
it, you’ll be voted out. Russell tells the Villains he’s going ‘off for
a walk’ and
rushes off to find the idol. Boston Rob tells
Sandra to find Russell…And she spots him off where the idol was said to
be,
she declares Russell to be a ‘stupid ass’ and
tells the tribe Russell is in fact idol hunting. Rob says he’s signed his
death warrant
with his stupidity, and the rest of the camp
agrees.
At Hero camp, they are told by the producers to
open their coffee pot to find a clue for the Hidden Immunity Idol at their
camp…
Or they accidentally stumble across it…I’m leaning
towards the former.
Anyhow, this triggers a mad scramble, the end
result of which is Tom finds the idol and Amanda sees that he found it,
so Tom has it, but does not have the element
of surprise.
Back from break its immunity challenge time, and
it’s the challenge from last year where a guy nearly died. The challenge
is one person
is the boss, they are strapped into a giant ball
and then rolled by 2 blindfolded team-mates. Once they make it to the end
of the track,
they then must direct 4 other blindfolded team-mates
in solving a ‘move a ball around a maze and then into a hole’ puzzle.
This is a battle of ‘who has the most awesome
person in the game’ which much like puzzle solving, is bad for the Heroes,
because the Villains have Boston Rob, who is
made from pure Awesomium. Rob is of course the captain of the Villains,
Tom since he’s screwed if the Heroes lose, and
thusly has a very vested interest in winning this, steps up for the Heroes.
Phase 1 would seem to benefit the Heroes as it’s
James, who’s a powerhouse, and Rupert, who’s physically imposing himself,
pushing Tom, Vs the Villains who counter with
Tyson and the “Improved from his last season” Coach, pushing Rob. The Villains
shockingly win the foot race portion of the event
and get Rob in position to work the puzzle. Tom makes it about 20 or so
seconds later (again if we trust the edit.)
Rob and Tom call the puzzle and both sides get
very close to finishing it, the Heroes even have their ball hit the lip
of the hole
and then spin out, but in the end the Villains
win Immunity. If the edit is to be believed both teams were within seconds
of victory.
While Rob did a good job captaining, this contest
was really won by Coach and Tyson out hustling Rupert and James giving
the
Villains the lead time they needed to hold off
the Heroes.
Rob celebrates, Pavarti tries to high-five or
hug him, but he’s kind of paralyzed in the ball and sheepishly says
‘I can’t do anything’ and the Villains get the
Immunity Idol and shamble off, never to be seen again this episode.
Cirie tells us the Colby/Tom faction MUST BE DESTROYED!
Back from the break, JT decides to save Colby
and Tom, and to vote out Candice instead, declaring her to be untrustworthy,
he using his charms to sway Amanda who then goes
to Cirie, who promptly beats her to a bloody pulp, reminding her that Colby
and Tom voted her out last time, and that they
can’t be trusted. Cirie laments how stupid Amanda is. Cirie lays down the
law of a
split vote to thwart idol playing, 3 on Colby,
3 on Tom, so Tom and Colby can only cast 2 votes. Which will impact nothing.
JT now questions if he wants to play the game
with the deeply honorable Colby and Tom (who have begged him to keep them
around after he stabbed them in the back and
voted out Steph last time) or to play with such an evil cunning opponent
as Cirie.
If he votes Cirie, that makes it 3 Tom, 3 Cirie,
2 Colby and she goes home due to the idol. JT lies to the camera that he’s
all
broken up over what his play will be.
Tribal, which I never watch the ultra-leading
questions of Probst because he’s a meddling scumbag, it boils down to him
basically yelling at the Heroes “You’re all idiots
if you vote out Colby or Tom, and I’m not just saying that because I have
a huge man crush on them” votes are cast.
Tom busts out the idol, and it does go down 3
Tom, 2 Colby, 3 Cirie, and Cirie is sent packing.
The Heroes look all sorts of confused, and so
it ends.
NEXT WEEK: Russell goes for the idol some more,
cause he’s stupid, and Rob assures us
all he’s getting booted for it, and Candice says
she wants to join Colby and Tom.
THOUGHTS
Russell is a grade A moron, since he thinks an
idol will do anything but get himself voted out in 2 votes,
and JT is now dancing through rain drops.
Russell found idols left and right last season,
but he found them without anyone knowing he did it, having surprise was
a
big advantage, and he also had solid alliances
in his tribe. This time he’s looking for the idol and making himself an
outcast,
what does the idol do for him, get rid of Boston
Rob? Then what? Nobody’s going to be happy about that and they’ll gun
for him the next time. He’s grossly over-valuing
the power of the idol.
He would have to find it and really sway people
that him having it is game changing, right now he’s supposedly in an alliance
with Parvarti and Danielle, but that only gives
them 3 in a 9 person tribe, even if they used the idol to KO Rob, they
would be
on the wrong side of a 5 on 3 majority, and nobody
wants to be there.
Unless, apparently, you’re JT, who just put himself
into a 3 person minority against a 4 person majority. JT must think he
can
explain himself such that this will all work
out. Amanda is screwed, since Cirie was her biggest ally and she just went,
so odds are
she’ll run to James to save her. Rupert was caught
off guard also. So now we have JT/Tom/Colby Vs Rupert/James/Amanda/Candice,
only the previews say that Candice wants to switch
sides, not knowing at all that JT’s been gunning for her all this time.
If JT accepts her,
then it’s a done deal, Amanda goes home next,
then with the tribe down to 6, if JT wants he can get Rupert and James
to boot his hated
foe Candice, and then still have the numbers
at 5 to kick James or Rupert out if need be. This would make the Heroes
the most
misogynistic tribe ever, voting out all their
women in order.
Meanwhile what happens to the Villains once they
see the new Heroes tribe? Well Pavarti’s stock goes up about 1,000 points,
as the feared ‘fans Vs favs alliance’ is now
clearly being shattered on the Heroes side, she’s not nearly the merger
threat she was before,
while Coach’s stock drops about 500 points, since
the brains in the Villain camp (Boston Rob and Sandra) will know that if
Cirie went out,
then her alliance was broken, so who’s got the
game to do that? Rupert, James and Colby, are morons, Amanda’s a follower,
she’s made
2 final Tribal. Tom doesn’t hold court, since
he lost season mate Steph on the last vote. Candice is background noise
at best.
That leaves JT as the mover and shaker at Hero
camp, and his fellow season players were Coach and Tyson. Tyson’s a cutthroat
who’ll play to win, but Coach is a sappy moron
who’s also a follower, he’s a threat to flip to JT come the merger and
be all
‘playing with the strongest, Iron Sharpens Iron’
etc etc.
The question then becomes, how much pull does
the tribe think Russell has, they know he’s with Pavarti, his alliance
to Danielle
may or may not be as known, do they just split
Pavarti/Russell anyhow and flush the idol that way, does Rob pull Pavarti
aside
and tell her it’s a split vote between Coach
and Russell and get the idol out that way? Do they just all vote Pavarti
and hope
Russell’s paranoid and uses the idol? Do they
all vote Coach and hope the same thing? Do any of them just try to get
the
friggin’ idol just so Russell can’t use it? I
honestly hope not to find out for a while, since I love the Villains and
hate the Heroes,
I hope the Villains win countless immunity challenges
in a row and just crush this season.
Comments, questions or concerns, send to mikethedealer@hotmail.com
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