Jesus Christ
Mary, Mother of God
Jesus, God
Holy Christ
Oh, God Help Me
Oh, Jesus,
Oh Christ
Oh, Lord Help Me
Ohhhhh, God

While running barefoot to the computer tonight,
my right little toe caught the 3-inch leg of a 60-pound chair.

Oh, Jesus,
Oh, Christ!
Jesus,
God,
Help Me!

I'm very, very old, and this has happened before,
but my little toe has never sent my brain e-mail like this.

Mary, Mother of God,
Cause NOT,  ....the pain in my little toe!

Oh, Cheeses!
I feel like that Horta on Star Trek.

The pain!

Oh, God,
if you're trying to get my attention - you have!
Dear God, put your demands in writing - I will follow them!

My throbbing right toe feels like David Koresh on day 56.
Oh, Stations of the Cross, help me...

God, I'll make you a deal:
If you let me get to sleep tonight,
I'll not take your name in vain the rest of this month.

Oh, Christ, I'm serious.

My little toe is throbbing like Clinton in a repeat-loop Brainstorm helmet.
I realize, that I'm negotiating with Almighty God, here, but my little toe
feels God's wrath worse than Smirk's handlers will come November.

As I type this, I'm administering to myself a "home remedy."
The bad news is, my toe doesn't hurt quite bad enough to throw me into fucking shock,
so it's up to me to make it hurt more, so I can qualify for a government-sponsored methaqualone program.
Oh, Jesus.

You see the trap I'm in, right?
It's late, I have NO chance of getting to sleep with a spaghetti toe,
so my two choices are the emergency room or drink until it doesn't hurt.

I wish it was Friday.
I wish Spock was here to pinch me.

Oh, Christ it hurts.

 Hey, you think that's not funny?
 Think how much less funny it was on March 9, 2000?

 Bonus Extra

 Hard to Believe
 (True Story)

 Laura Schlessinger is such an evil pig.
 Minutes ago, she was talking to a woman who had been raped.

Caller:  I'm still struggling with feelings of shame.

Bitch: Feelings of shame?
           Feelings of shame?
           I love it when a weak woman lets her feelings get in her way.
           Tell me - did you stand on the corner with a sign that said,
          PLEASE RAPE ME???
           Is that what you did?

Caller: (wanting to die)  ........no............

Bitch: So where does the shame come from?
 
 

 ...with my court experience, do you think if I strangled that heartless bitch,
 do you think I could get the jury to find that it was justifiable homicide?