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Yes, I've been to New York.
...and no, that's not me. |
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Volume 476 - The New York Diet
Recent.Old Stuff ...Celebrity-hoe-mails .Required Reading. The Liberal Media? ..Crime of the Century? Kiss My Ass
World News Links .On the Horizon.. ..LiveWeb Cams. ..The BartCop Tax Plan......Clinton's Page The Ruby Tape
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May 21, 2001. ...Advertise on bartcop.com. ..SPORTS.
..
..Sweep
Weeks.. ..Help
Wanted.. ..Did
you hear it?
New York 2001 Trip Report
It started with a plane ride.
The flight to Newark was so boring, I was afraid I'd have nothing to
write about.
I was hoping an engine would catch fire or something, just to cause
a stir, but things
livened up a little when the pilot appeared to be lost.
As we got closer and closer to our (hopefully) intended target of Newark
Airport,
I was expecting to see tall buildings. The plane went east for a while,
then north,
then east, then north - making me think he was searching for the New
York area.
I've flown lots of times and I've never seen a jet "search" for a major
city before.
I thought about passing a sugggestion to the stewardess that if we flew
east until
we saw water, we could ask the damn passengers to help the pilot look
for tall buildings.
As the search for New York continued, I read a newspaper account of
famous Republican
animal killer Ted Nugent being sued by former fans. Ebay had
an auction where the "winners"
got front row tickets to a Nuge concert and dinner with him afterwards.
(I'm glad they didn't say what "dinner" was - probably whatever Ted
killed that day.
The high bid was $1535, if you can believe someone would pay that for
a show and dinner
with the Motor City Madman, Mr. Wang Dang, Sweet Poontang.
Sidebar:
If you like Ted's music - fine. Let's agree to
disagree on what good music is.
But don't write and say you're dumping bartcop.com
after all these years because
I said something less-than charitable about a
right-wing Republican fund-raiser.
But instead of front row tickets, they got 30th row tickets and instead
of dinner,
they got a "How ya doin?" from Ted, so they're suing their former rock
idol for fraud.
The pilot was a wiseguy, always pointing out things for us to look at.
For instance, he said, "If you look out your
window, you'll see Columbus, Ohio."
So I did, and here's what I saw:
Ya gotta love a major airline pilot with a twisted sense of humor.
A while later, he came on the PA and said "Below us is Wilkes-Barre, PA," so I looked again.
Gee, Wilkes-Barre looks a lot like Columbus.
Eventually we landed in Newark, but still, I saw no tall buildings.
We met the lovely Christian Livemore (CAL) and her friend Ray.
Since we landed at 4:30, Ray knew traffic would be impossible, so he
took us on the
New Jersey tour on the way to the George Washington Bridge that would
take us to Manhattan.
Our
first peek at the tall buildings.
We stopped at Jersey's Liberty Park and saw the Statue of Liberty.
I was shocked to learn that the wording on the statue's base had been
changed to:
"Give us your roughnecks, your engineers and
your geologists.
We already have enough poor darkies,
thank you."
It's good to have a Dad in the CIA...
So, we're getting closer to the city - THE city.
New York, I've always said, is the center of the universe.
If, for example, you're a big rock band, and you haven't played New
York,
and you haven't won them over, then you're not
a big rock band.
If you make it there, you make it anywhere.
New York - about 30 years ahead of K-Drag.
After our Jersey tour, we were ready to join THE city.
Of course, there's that little traffic problem, but we had an expert at the wheel.
Sidebar
I need to say this before I forget. CAL's
friend, Ray, not only had a car,
and knew his way around, but he was an encyclopedia
on New York.
Any time I pointed to a building and said, "What's
that?" he knew the year it was built,
the architect, the current oocupants - the works.
If you ever make it to New York, hire him.
He knew everything. To me, being in New
York is like being 20 years into the future.
Having an extremely well-read and intelligent
guide meant the world to me.
It was like Stump the Band. He knew everything.
As we approached the hotel, it was hard to find because they lied so
much
on their website and brochures. We were staying at the Chelsea Savoy,
which was located in the Chelsea district of New York, which is gay.
I'm so naive, I didn't even know New York had a gay part of town.
We sure don't have any gay parts of town in Oklahoma.
Know how I know there's no gay parts of town in K-Drag?
Because they're not burned to the ground, that's how.
Here's how http://www.gay-sanfrancisco.com/gay-newyork/stay/savoy.html described it:
Located behind one of the city's ugliest facades,
this is your best bet for an amenity-laden,
mainstream hotel experience in Chelsea. You'll
find comfortable, anonymously styled rooms
that feature private bathrooms, color cable TV,
goose down pillows, irons, hairdryers,
climate control, soda and ice machines...the
works.
Private bathrooms?
Color, cable TV?
Air conditioners?
Soda and ice machines is "the works?"
That describes every Motel 6 from Bangor to San Diego.
Are the gay people in San Fransisco that easily impressed?
Jesus Christ, for $180 a night, you should get ...well, let's not go
there.