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Will this story ever end?
Koresh, I hope so.
That Wednesday, as we finished watching the West Wing finale in our fine view motel room,
Mrs. BartCop suggested we might hit some Acadia early the next morning,
then start the trip back toward THE City a day earlier than we had
planned.
This was strange behavior for her.
For the 29.7 years I've known her, she's always been very afraid
of New York.
She updated her will before we left, in case she was murdered on the
streets.
(She watches Law & Order and NYPD Blue every week...)
But here she was, ...asking if I might be ready to go back a day early.
Hmmmmmm.......
Hell, I thought Manhattan was pretty damn impressive, and since the
airfare to New York
is DOUBLE the airfare to Las Vegas, it might be a while before we come
back,
so I agreed with her (never a bad move, trust me) to go back to the
center of the universe.
...but it sure seemed out of character for her.
Thursday morning we headed back towards the BIG City.
Funny, six days ago, she thought going to New York was so risky,
and now she was as eager as I was to get back to the future.
As we drove, I wondered about tonight's hotel.
I figured something would be open this weekend, since everything was
book last weekend.
I called our first-ever choice, the CAL-recommended Washington Square
Hotel.
Driving down I-95, I called them and asked if they had room tonight.
They said they did, and I could "come right in." I told Cubby
I was in Connecticut,
but could I give him my credit card number over the phone to secure
the room.
He said no.
He said I couldn't reserve the room with a credit card.
I made him repeat that.
"You can't reserve a room over the phone with a credit card."
ha ha
What the hell is this?
My credit card is good in Las Vegas, Dallas, San Francisco, Washington
DC, Denver,
Chicago, Buffalo, Memphis, Salt Lake City, (funny, in Russell,
Kansas, they took my check)
Knoxville, Boston, Tucumcari and Bah Hahbah, Maine, but it's no good
in New York?
Isn't that the craziest shit you've ever heard?
They said if I was the next guy there, I could have the room,
but I guess, in today's America,
in the trendiest part of the greatest city in the world, plastic money
is not considered legal tender.
(And I do not want to know what "legal tender" means in The
Village.)
In my younger days, I might've done a Number Six on him, but why bother?
The Washington Square Hotel in New York has a policy
of "No Credit Cards."
Fine.
I called the good old Chelsea Savoy, (did I mention it
was run by Russians?)
and they said my money was good there, so we booked a room over the
phone.
As we pulled into town, I found my way.
Sidebar:
Remember me talking about how much fun it is
to drive the loop around Dallas?
The cars are all going 80, there's no cops anywhere,
cars are jostling for position,
and these sudden lane changes really know
how to keep you on your toes behind the wheel,
...well, driving in Manhattan was like that but it was ever better.
We mostly did 5th, 6th, 7th and 8th Avenues, from, say, Third to 110th
Steets,
and that's gotta be the hottest race track in North America.
The cabbies are opportunists, and I mean that in the most flattering
sense.
If they see an opening, they take it. It's like watching
a surgeon.
They don't think - there's no time to think - they just drive.
Everything works on reflex, and they only killed 24 people last year
- amazing!
To Mrs. BartCop's horror, I got into New York's rythym right away.
I was competing with the Iraqi cab drivers, and there were no cops!
Sure, there's walking cops, ha ha
but even the cops on cars are so hemmed in
by others cars that there's not much they can do - it's a wild-ass
free-for-all.
Poor Mrs. BartCop held her hands over her eyes.
I never had that much fun in a car before (that I can talk about).
...and it's funny, because this was never supposed to happen.
BANK!
I have to do that every two minutes
with Netscape Composer or risk losing everything.
Tha plan was to stay in New England a couple more days, then drive to
Newark on
Saturday morning and fly back to the late 1880's Oklahoma Territories
where we live.
But instead of that, we ended up in New York Thursday night.
Funny, ...eh?
So, before we settle in for the night, we figured the first order of
business, since we had a car,
was to raid Ray's Pizza at 11th and Sixth Avenue and see if
Saturday night was just a fluke..
ha ha
Have you ever tasted this pizza?
It totally rules.
But, before I could declare it better than Imo's in St
Louis,
I'd have to do an A-B, side-by-side hot taste test, and how's that
gonna happen?
If you go to New York, don't say you've had "the pizza" unless you bought it here.
Next up - claiming my sure-to-win-a-Webby lost notes.
There was no problem finding this place, because their address was
125
E. Eighth
so naturally, they were between 16th and 17th, which makes perfect
sense - if you're Catholic.
Check it out - a parking space not ten feet from their front door.
I snatched it.
When I went in the limo place, they tried to give me Tommy Dimwit,
but I kept after them, so they kept digging until they found my notes.
Good, this trip report might've been lame without my notes.
(cough)
Then, ...just like in Law & Order, ...we came upon a crime in progress.
You see, ...these two disadvantaged youths, ...having been denied
transporation by The Man,
hitched a ride on the back of this horse-drawn buggy until the driver
heard them laughing.
He screamed, "Hey, you damned kids,"
...and they took off running.
I've seen my first New York street crime.
We made a right on Broadway.
Can you see it?
In the thick Manhattan jungle, can you see it?
It's The Late Show with David Letterman!
If you look real close (and you're from Krypton) you can see the protesters.
Miss Universe (nee Columbia) was there to accept Dave's apology for
his joke last week
that her talent competition consisted of swallowing 50 balloons of
heroin.
ha ha
Driving hint for New York:
If you ever come across Broadway - take it!
It doesn't matter, if you don't take it, the next few streets
will be blocked or one-way and you'll
just have to circle around and then take Broadway, so just take
Broadway and save the time.
Just then a cab driver cut me off right at 38th Street,
so I had to get in front of him and cut him off at 36th Street.
ha ha
Then, Mrs BartCop makes the observation:
"You love driving in this traffic."
Koresh help me, ...I do.
Deisel exhaust smells like victory.
If you've never been in a Manhattan traffic jam, it's not like the others.
I've written about this before, the cabbies in Chicago when we met
Phil Collins.
If their cab is 66 inches wide, and the hole is 70 inches, they just
zoom right through.
Driving in Manhattan is better than driving the loop around
Dallas!
Sure, in Dallas, the speeds are higher, but the cars in Dallas are a
full three feet apart.
In New York, if Hassan thinks he sees a sliver of daylight, he hits
the gas!
I watched them, and learned.
Of course, I was also the man behind the camera, which made it difficult.
Sometimes I needed two hands to drive, but with one hand (and one eye)
on the camera
I had to use my knees for added wheel manipulation, which made Mrs.
BC more nervous.
After a couple of hours driving against these guys, I was
a New York cab driver!
A
New York Hot Dog stand, but where's Lenny?
BANK!
I have to do that every two minutes
with Netscape Composer or risk losing everything.
Traffic, traffic, traffic
A sad note - with the Smirk economy tanking, many New Yorkers
have been reduced to eating from restaurant garbage bags. How sad.
End
hunger - vote Democrat in 2004
It had been a long day, with a lot of miles, so we checked into the
hotel
in time to see Monica and Chandler get married - ....on NBC.
(Back after this)
Back to New York
Did I mention that Monica and Chandler were getting married - on
NBC?
Funny, during the wedding episode, NBC ran a commercial for Friday's
TODAY
Show.
It turns out their special musical guest Friday, live on the streets
of New York, was Ricky Martin.
Everything fell into place as tho a giant curtain was pulled back.
Now I knew why Mrs. BartCop was willing to risk it all for another
step into THE City.
She tried to act like she didn't hear the promo, but she was sooooo
busted.
When I asked her about it, she said, "Ricky
Martin, ...here?"
ha ha
She's such a bad liar.
I'd been sandbagged by the best.
You don't want to get between Mrs. BartCop and something she wants.
She said, "As long as we're here, ...can we
go to NBC tomorrow and see Ricky Martin?"
You married men know I had no options at this point. She must
be made happy.
So Friday morning, we're up with the sun, so we can be first in line
outside NBC.
We took a cap to NBC, but the ride seemed kinda tame now.
I almost offered the driver some tips on how to get there faster, ...but
nahhh.
We got here hours ahead of time, and the place was packed.
Who knew Ricky Martin had so many fans in in the New York area?
This was a madhouse. Thousands of screaming fans, mostly
women.
Plus, we had the wacky time-shift factor.
In K-Drag, the musical acts on the Today Show play "live"
from 8:30 - 9 AM.
That would be 9:30 - 10 AM New York time, unless K-Drag doesn't get
the feed live.
The cops were no help.
They kept barking at people to "Get behind
the barricades."
Guess what, Officer O'Toole?
Your fancy barricades will only hold 3000-4000 people, and there were
twice that many
at 7:30 and more and more people, I mean women, were streaming in all
the time.
"Behind the barricades" just wasn't
getting the job done.
However, I used my weasel skills to get us inside the barricades and
about halfway to the stage.
Matt
Lauer introducing Mr. La Vida Loca
Ricky came out and the crowd went ape-shit crazy.
Thousands of women, screaming like it was The Beatles on Ed
Sullivan.
They all started a big surge towards the stage, pushing us even closer.
I thought Mrs. BartCop would be horrified and fearing for her life,
but she just looked at me and said, "I hope
you can keep up" as she
weaseled herself closer and closer to the stage - it was mayhem!
NBC remembered to bring
their cameras.
Every time the camera boom swung our way, the women went scooters.
You'd think there was some damn "be on TV" contest, the way they were
acting.
Ricky did a couple of songs, then they cut to a commercial.
Katie Couric, left, ran onstage
to chat with Ricky.
Mrs. BartCop said Katie and Ricky made a cute couple
I rememinded her Ricky was gay.
She stepped on my toe to punish me for that.
Then Ricky did a song I like: Nobody Wants to be Lonely.
Them womens was swooning.
I got off on it, because I saw Ricky and Christina Aguilera do a great
version of this song on Leno one night
and they really nailed it. Sometimes voices work well together
and sometimes they don't.
Ricky and Christina may not quite be Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell,
but they were pretty decent.
Ain't Nothin' like Marvin
Gaye and Tammi Terrell
(very short)
Oh, did I mention it was raining?
After a mere five songs, the show was over and the cops were ordering
the crowd to disperse.
Most of the women, Mrs BartCop included, went to the east door hoping
for an autograph.
Seniors on the RM groupie circuit.
From the way these two talked, they were stalking him from town to town.
They knew his schedule and method of operation. They said RM would
be
coming out soon, so, naturally, we had to stand in the mist and wait
for him.
Then Ricky's SUV limo pulled up, but a nasty cop told him he had to
leave.
The driver said (I was right next to him, heard everything) he couldn't
leave,
that he had orders to make this pickup and his boss wouldn't
let him leave.
So the nasty cop wrote him a ticket, setting off angry boos
from the estrogen-laden crowd. Mean-looking, isn't he?
He looks like Sipowicz before he stopped the heavy boozing.
Hey, O'Toole, where's your damn hat?
Did you leave it at the bar?
The booing crowd got noisier, causing concern for the NBC security dudes.
They sent out a scary-looking security goon to assess the situation.
This
guy was packing heat under his coat.
Some of Ricky's band members came out, which seemed to shock the security people.
Ricky's bandmates and
their Gucci bags.
The mean-looking security dude said, "Go underground" into his
shirt collar.
Then he announced that RM had left the building from an underground
tunnel.
Click Here for Trip New York 2001 Page 6