Friday Night

The weekend starts off slow.

-Tonight at 9 PM EST on A&E, The History of the GOP's "Big Tent" program.
-At 10 PM, another sex-laden Law & Order SUV serial rapist is tracked.
-Latenight, Susan Carpenter McWhore is on Politically Incorrect.

Saturday Night

 Saturday, go to Best Buy or Circuit City and buy three VCRs on your VISA card.
 You're going to need them for Sunday night - trust me.
 Don't worry, you can bring them back Monday saying, "Didn't like the picture," and get a full refund.

-Fox News will conduct the Clinton Cock Hunt  from 8-11 PM EST.

-If you ladies wanted to hire Ricky Martin to dance for your birthday, and found out
  he's too exciting, too sexy and too expensive, you might audition his younger brother
  Marc Anthony  semi-live on tape from MSG at 10 PM on HBO.

-The Others, a spooky show from the writers of the X-Files is on NBC at 10 PM

-Julianna Margulies, the supporting, character actress who turned down $27,000,000
  for two year's work on ER (and who did not find the knife last night) hosts SNL

-and for some reason, PAX, the Christian channel, is doing a Sharon Stone Festival.

Sunday Night

This is the big one.

-The Simpsons is going to kill off Maude Flanders.   They're not actually saying it's her,
  but the title of the episode is "Alone Again, Natura-Diddly." Should be a classic.
  Those Coburn/Largent kids will asks lots of questions about why God murdered Mommy.

-Before we get to the busiest hour of the TV year so far, there's a new The Practice episode.
  I hope David Kelly can turn this once-great show around before it hits the iceberg.

-Going from the least to the best, CBS has Part One of Thomas Jefferson Rapes Sally Cummings.
  Don't tell me the slave had a choice - this is rape.

-That goofy Millionaire show is probably going to win the night, which is a bad joke.
  The show is hemorrhaging worse than Lucy on ER.  One thing they could do to make this
  show more palatable is to make the lifelines ineligible until they get to, say, $16,000.
  There's nothing worse than some Smirk-for-brains using three time-wasting lifelines
  to find out what the capitol of Ohio is for a measily hundred fucking dollars.
  Regis - fix this show before you blow it.

-Now we're getting to the meat of the night.  Poor Fox Mulder has been searching for his
  kidnapped-by-aliens sister for seven long, frustrating years on the X-Files.
  You know who has her?
  Trust me on this - Howard Stern girlfriend and porn star Amber Lynn.
  Not sure what a porn star needs with a never-ages 12-year old girl, but it's indicative
  of what happens when a formerly-great show hangs around too long after it's prime.

-On The Sopranos, Tony's new enforcer, Furio, lives up to his name.  Good.
  Tony hasn't committed many violent crimes so far this year, this should liven things up a little.
  (Sidebar - Did you see the legs-breaking, back-busting Sopranos hit man play the rabbi
   who tried to stop an execution on last week's West Wing?   Not bad, getting work
  on the two best shows on television in the same week.)

-Homicide - The Movie   Critics say fans of the best damn show on televison will enjoy this
  more than newbies, but who cares? You've seen the promos, it should be good, but how
  are they going to work the dead guest stars into the plot?  Flashbacks?  Dreams?
  Maybe "G" gets to Heaven, and Jon Polito and Daniel Baldwin tell him, "It's not time."

  It will be nice to see the gang back in action one last time.
  Homicide shot it's last episode in March of '99, and didn't find out NBC was run by
  a bunch of pink-ass pussies until May that year, so the show was left dangling with no end.
  (In the last moments of the last show, we learn that Tim Bayliss, the everyman star of the show,
   has gone from innocent, wide-eyed liberal Buddhist to cold-blooded executioner.
   It's doubtful they can resolve that and find G's shooter, and that's a shame.
   Maybe they'll surprise us.)

  This movie will tie up some of the loose ends, but it's the last real Homicide episode.
  If it draws enough viewers to be a ratings hit (unlikely) the pink-ass pussies might
  ask for another movie, but producer Tom Fantana, the heart and soul of the show,
  says he's done with the show.

 "When it got cancelled, I was sad, angry and frustrated, but I was done with the show.
  When a long series is over, it's like a death. You mourn and then you move on.
   If the other producers want to do more, I won't stand in their way, but I don't want
  to do any more. This is it for me and Homicide."
 

  ..and the television goes dark for the best damn show of the nineties.