Riiiing!!

Receptionist: Doubleday. May I help you?

Caller: I have an idea for a great book.
            Let me speak to an editor.

Receptionist: Hold on. You can speak to Mr. Grey.

Grey: Grey, here.

Caller: This is Kathleen Willey. I've been working at the
            White House for three years, and I have a book for you.
             I've seen awful, terrible behavior by Bill Clinton.

Grey: Good God.
          Can you come right over?

Willey: I can be there in 30 minutes.

Twenty minutes later....

Grey: Good to meet you, Miss Willey.
           Let's use this room. It's a secure area.
           OK, tell me what you have.

Willey: Not so fast. Let's talk cash.
             How much can I make if the book is a big success?

Grey: I'd say mid-six figures, from $400,000 to $750,000.
          That's IF your stuff is hot!

Willey: Wow! It is, Sir.
             I'm ready to talk.

Grey: So, what kind of stuff did you see?

Willey: It's terrible over there. I couldn't believe it.
             Those teenagers don't know what they're doing.
             Some of them wear their hair long!
             I thought I saw an earring on one guy.
             Imagine that!

Grey: What about Bill Clinton, personally?

Willey: Well, he eats like a horse.
             And Hillary!
             Whooo boy, does SHE have a temper.
             A few months ago, the chef served pork chops to the
             Israeli ambassador and Hillary threw a fit!
             She said the chef needed to "pay attention."
             These Clintons, they'll walk over anybody!

Grey: This is it? These are your startling revelations?

Willey: Well...there's MORE!
             They listen to the Rock and Roll.
             ...and the endless charades.
             Bill and Hillary often hold hands and hug when they're alone,
             just in case somebody suddenly walks in the room.
             They're so fake!

Grey: Willey, we need something HOT to make money.

Willey: What do you mean "hot?"

Grey: For instance, did Clinton ever screw around?

Willey: No, not that I know of...

Grey: You'd know if he did? For sure?

Willey: Of course.  I was there every day.

Grey: Did you ever see him enter a room with a woman?

Willey: No, not unless others were there, too.

Grey: Willey, that half a million dollars is starting
           to get up and walk away from you. Don't you want it?
          We can't sell books without dirt.
          Let's try it this way:
          Do you have kids?

Willey: Yes, two girls, 10 and 16 years old. Why?

Grey: Would you be willing to guarantee, on the lives of your kids,
           that Clinton never cheated since he's been in the White House?

Willey: Well...no, I can't be 1,000 percent certain of that.
             Jesus, I'd never risk my children's lives on...

Grey: Good!! Now we're onto something!

Willey: We are?

Grey: Have you ever heard any rumors that Clinton slept around as President?

Willey: Sure. David Brock used to say it all the time,
             at least, until his conscience started bothering him.

Grey: Good. We just might have a book here.
           This is going to work out wonderfully.

Willey: But Mr. Grey, it's not true.

Grey: Doesn't matter.
          With the Clinton's, we have a new way of reporting.
          You see, until 1992, we had a very strict policy:
          "Always get two sources."

           In 1993, we went to a "one source" policy.
           In 1994, we went to a completely new policy called
          "Fuck it. If we hear it, we print it."
           Hell, how do you think Paula Jones made her money?

Willey: You mean Paula Jones is lying?

Grey: Christ!
           Are you that stupid?

           Of COURSE Paula Jones is lying.
           What are you, kidding me?
           She made out like Jesse James, but ...back to you.
           What else do you have?
           Did Clinton ever make a pass at you?

Willey: Which one?

Grey: ha ha
          Seriously, did Bill ever come on to you?

Willey: What?
             Oh, please.
             Get Real.

Grey: I AM real, Willey. I'm real ready to write you an advance check for $100,000 right now.

Willey: Fine, but Clinton coming on to me?
             In the Oval Office?
             Who'd buy it?

Grey: The red-meat crowd on the far-right, that's who.
          The Limba-Liddy-Ollie crowd.
          They'll buy fucking ANYTHING that's anti-Clinton.
          They'll buy it if YOU say it's true.
          You're a woman with credibility.

Willey: But it's NOT true.

Grey: Remember your kids.

Willey: I.... I... guess I'm in.
            When do we start?

Grey: First, you have to testify under oath.

Willey: Testify under oath? Why?

Grey: A couple of years ago, Agent Aldrich of the FBI came in here
           with a hot story about crimes INSIDE the White House,
           but after we published his book, he admitted he made it up.
           So we want your story under oath, so you can't change it later.

Willey: Can I get in trouble for lying under oath?

Grey: Relax.
          They NEVER arrest people for lying in a civil case.

Willey: How much will I get paid, and what do I have to say?

Grey: It depends on how much you want to make:
           Let's put together a list:
           If you only testify that Clinton said "Nice tits, baby,"
           I can't go any higher than $25,000.

Willey: I need a LOT more than that.

Grey: Good.
           If you testify that he kissed you against your will,
           I'll get you $75,000.

Willey: Keep going.
             My oldest daughter wants to go to Harvard.

Grey: Well... we're starting to get into the serious money.
           If you testify he grabbed your breasts, I'll go $100,000.
           If you say he put your hand on his crotch, I'll go $200,000.
           If you say he forced you to perform oral sex, I'll go half a million.
           If you say he raped you, I'll go 2 million.
           If you say he raped you in a Batman costume, I'll go 3 million.
           If you say he raped you in a Batman costume and made you bray like a donkey,
           I'll go as high as 5 million dollars, but you gotta go on 60 Minutes and REALLY sell your story.

Willey: Can I mix and match?

Grey: What do you mean?

Willey: How 'bout we go with he kissed me, the hand-on-his-crotch thing,
             and he got grabby with my titties, say, for $300,000.

Grey: Call them "breasts," it sounds classier than "titties."
           Remember, you're not Paula Jones.
           ...and you're still going to have to testify AND go on 60 Minutes.

Willey: DEAL!
             Can you really get me on 60 Minutes?
             I heard they were a no-nonsense News magazine.

Grey: Ha ha, stop it.
           You're killing me, ha ha ha

Willey: Why are you laughing?

Grey: Ha ha, stop.
           Stop it, ha ha ha ha
          You're killing me, ha ha ha

Willey: How do we get started?

Grey: "We're" already done. Just sign these papers and our writers will start on your story.
            Good work, Willey.
            Your kids just got an education.

Willey: You don't want me to help write my own story?

Grey: Not necessary. All you have to do is memorize our story and testify
           for Judge Starr and go on 60 Minutes and swear everything is true.
           That....and go to the bank. Ha Ha.

Willey: Should I cry a lot on 60 Minutes?

Grey: Just go with whatever feels right at the time.
           Remember, your credibility is everything.

Willey: And you're sure this is legal and ethical?

Grey: I guarantee it's legal, honey.
           I'm an attorney.
           This is what I do for a living.

           As far as ethical, grow the hell up.
           We're the press.