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Great GOP Quotes
"Sen. Kerry of Massechusetts has a tough race ahead of him.
Perhaps with Mrs. Heinz's fortune, he'll be able to ketchup."
--Dan Quayle on Evans and Novak
Hurricane Fran reminds me of Dole's last 30 days:
Lots of Gusto at first,
but it turned into a disaster,
then a depression.
After years of calling Clinton the lackey of Butrous-Butrous Ghalli,
the idiots in the GOP are whining that Clinton didn't get UN permission
for the lastest Iraqi air strikes.
"Butch was able to form a multi-national coalition," they say.
Hey, you Republicans, open your eyes and learn something from old BartCop:
Bill Clinton doesn't NEED help, and he doesn't NEED
permission to kick Saddam's sorry ass.
If you want a President that'll call for a
bi-partisan commission every time a crisis develops,
elect that really old guy, Bob Dole.
He likes forming commissions.
Clinton is a man of action.
Since Hurricane Fran tore up North Carolina,
we don't hear Jesse Helms whining much about state's rights.
It seems Mr. Helms is willing to suck the teat of
"big government" when his state gets in a little trouble.
Mr. Helms is like a teenage boy, screaming for independence,
but ready to run back to Mommy and Daddy if things get tough.
These state's rights assholes can't understand.
It takes a village, Jesse.
Great True GOP Quotes
"My wife, Elizabeth, has traveled to the scenes of
many natural disasters these past five years.
That doesn't include my campaign, of course."
-- Bob Dole Sept. 1
Jack Kemp was too injured to help his country at war,
but he was healthy enough to play pro football
on a team ranked last defending the pass.
One other thing...
It seems Kemp got caught cheating on his taxes.
We know how much he hates paying taxes,
He only makes $6,000,000 a year "consulting."
Bad News for Justice
The federal prosecutors in the OKC bombing trial
say they may call 400 witnesses.
Didn't they learn anything from the OJ trial?
Why the hell do they need 400 witnesses?
The jury will be exhausted after 50 witnesses,
so what's the point?
Poor Perot
His attorney (and son-in-law) said Perot was going to
announce his VP choice the weekend of Sept 7th.
Then he said "No, I was mistaken."
Whoever agreed to be his VP backed out.
Poor Perot.
He makes Bob Dole look credible.
On Rush's show Friday, Dole said
"Carolina's eastern coast was hit hard by Hurricane Fran."
-So, we can assume Carolina's western coast was spared?
Dole said in some polls, he was only one point behind Clinton.
This shocked Medved, so Medved asked which poll that was.
Dole's answer, word for word:
"Well, CNN had a poll, they said among real voters...
you know Michael, not everybody votes...."
(Did anybody catch the name of the poll that showed
Bob Dole only one point behind Clinton?)
Then, Dole said in California, he was eight points
AHEAD with "people who knew about my plan."
Gee, Bob.
Are they "real" voters?
Dole said "I feel in my own bones that I'll win."
Your bones are lying to you, Bob.
I miss old Rush.
I wish that lazy bastard had some work ethic, but what the hell.
If I was making $25,000,000 per year off of idiot sheep,
I'd take big blocks of time off, too.
His subs just don't get the job done.
They don't have that frothing, nazi hate that Limba has.
Medved is better than Hedgehog, but that's not saying much.
Wayne Williams is a bore, too.
The only great substitute is Bob Dornan.
That wacky son-of-a-bitch makes Rush look classy.
Allow me to share my favorite Dornan moment with you.
After the Army Rangers were killed in Somalia, Dornan said:
"The Somali warlords beheaded our soldiers, then dragged
their naked bodies around to show everyone. That's what
America gets for electing a draft-dodger as President."
You can't find hate like that in the Democratic Party.
When asked if Perot should be in the debates, Dole said
"Only people with a legitimate chance to win" should be allowed in.
Make him stop.
Hey, Bob.
That would exclude you, too.
I read where Jeffery Nichols, Republican no doubt,
was $640,000 behind on court-ordered child support.
That's a misdemeanor.
I also read of an asshole who kidnapped a dog, tortured
it to death, then sent a tape of it to the owners.
That's a misdemeanor.
But if you hand someone a joint at a party,
that's a felony, punishable by hard jail time.
I'll bet Snoot Gingrich thinks that's just ducky.
Maybe Clinton will fix that in his second term.
CNN reports 16 Republicans were killed and 66 injured when
someone yelled "tax cut" at a Dole rally in Orange County, CA.
Orange County Coroner John Lampken said most of the dead
suffocated when the mob trampled everyone in their path.
This second tax-cut-related tragedy comes on the heel's
of Bob Dole's 15% debacle announced in San Diego.
So far, no arrests have been made.
Hey, Republicans
Does Snoot Gingrich's lesbian sister deserve equal rights?
Y'know, back at the GOP Convention,
they said Dole felt awkward talking about himself.
That's why he made Ms. Hairspray do it.
But, Dole didn't have any problems declaring himself
the "better man" in the race.
I have some respect for Dole,
so I won't offer the usual two-word epithet,
but Bob, you'd better watch your ass.
Republicans say they want less government.
Hey, GOP!
Should a bloated federal agency be able to fine
Howard Stern for spanking girls on his radio show?
Or are you for the First Amendment just SOME of the time?
What would the GOP think of a Jamaican immigrant like
Colin Powell if he wasn't a popular war hero?
I'm sure they'd trickle down on him like they do all minorities.
Bob Dole says he's coming after Bill Clinton
"hammer and tongs."
Is that good or bad?
I saw a story in "Time" about unrequested fame.
When one of those wacko-bitches shot at President Ford,
back in what, 1974?... a man standing next to her saw
what she was doing, and hit her arm as she fired.
(I haven't heard this before, but Time printed it,
and, being a sucker-for-the-lying-liberal-media,
I assume it's true.)
Law Enforcement Officials say he may have saved Ford's life.
The dirty whores of the Press checked the guy out.
They found out he was gay. They printed it.
His family, friends and co-workers turned on him.
Things got so bad, he committed suicide.
I hate a story like that.
If he'd kept his hands at his sides,
if he had minded his own business,
his secret would've been safe.
He wouldn't have been rejected by his entire world,
and he might still be alive.
Y'know, over the decades, the Republican Party has begun
to consider attempting to look into the idea that they might
start to look into the chances of the GOP actually passing
a resolution calling for acceptance of blacks.
So, give us the schedule, GOP.
You've finally "accepted" blacks, sort of, nearly, mostly,
what is the schedule for accepting gays?
Will the GOP finally agree in 2000?
Will gay Americans wait until 2010 for their rights?
Can gay Americans have their rights in 2025?
Will gays be accepted, tax-paying Americans in 2050?
I have an idea.
If the right-wingers in America agree that someday they'll
agree to stop hating gays, like they used to, sort of,
hated the blacks, .....why spend the time and energy?
Why not save yourself the work?
Why not save the aggravation?
Why not stop the hate now?
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