(Update)
Back in Vol 142, we were in Las Vegas looking for a drink at Mandalay
Bay's super-fancy
Red Square Ice Bar. Oh, they bragged about their huge cornucopia
of fine vodkas,
but for reasons we won't get back into, we never got to put their claims
to a test.
Well...
I have found the fine vodka, and it's not from Russia.
It all ties in...
It's the Fourth of July.
I think of our great country,
and all of the freedoms we enjoy.
I think of the amber waves of grain and the Statue of Liberty,
which was made for us by our good friends, the French.
You know what else the French make?
They make the finest, smoothest vodka.
Grey Goose Vodka.
Created with mineral water from the Springs of Cognac,
filtered thru champagne limestone, a natural purifier,
then hand-crafted in small batches from a copper pot still.
My opinion is not for rent.
They're not paying me to say this:
This issue of RL-LNW is best viewed on Grey Goose Vodka,
the best damn vodka in the world, Barr none.
...and don't dilute it with 7-Up or orange juice.
You're paying for the finest vodka in the world, here.
Don't "fix" or hide the taste.
Ice only, preferably glacier ice.
...Whoa!
Put the kids to bed.
Wake the wife, go to the kitchen, get your Grey Goose.
Smoke 'em if you got 'em.
Relax and let's go for a short ride.
This issue brought to you by U-Haul Truck Rentals.
U-Haul rents more trucks than anybody in the world.
Catch them at
Remember our motto:
"We rent to Democrats."
Issue One!
Will George "W" Butch agree in writing, that NO campaign contributor
will ever spend a night in the Lincoln Bedroom?
Will he swear to that up-front?
No, he won't.
Junior Butch, or "The Shrub," as we call him in Knuckledrag, will NOT
take that pledge,
because he's going to follow the time-honored tradition that every
president has followed
and reward his friends and contributors with the perks of power.
It's called human nature.
The GOP and Pigboy and Ken Starr and everyone else KNOWS this.
They KNOW that all the political jerking off about how Clinton was
"selling the Lincoln bedroom,"
was flat-out bullshit for the benefit of the stupid, donkey-whores
of the press so they could
get numb-nutted conservatives to pony up more dough.
Isn't that right?
I CAN'T be the only one who sees that.
I just CAN'T be.
The idea that Clinton was the first president to reward his backers
with a ride on the plane
or a night at the White House is so fucking absurd on it's face, how
could it ever be a topic
of contention on the Sunday morning whore shows?
But it is...
They sit around and accuse Clinton like he invented hypocrisy.
It's the same with photo-ops. To hear Bill Bennett tell the tale,
political bullshit like
photo-ops weren't invented until AFTER Red-Ink
Reagan left office,
yet...
yet...
yet every honest pundit, if there are any left anymore,
will admit that Reagan almost invented the photo-op.
Reagan perfected the photo-op, and because of that he became
a legend to conservatives, known as "The Great Communicator."
Yet...
When Clinton out-communicates Reagan, it can only be because
"America lost her values and fell for the bullshit-charade,"
I've decided I want the Republicans to win in 2000.
It's going to be loads of fun tormenting the next President.
The next president is going to get what Clinton got,
but they'll probably ratchet it UP a little more.
Fun Quotes
"Letting DeLay run anything more than his bug business
is the worst idea since the Texas Legislature.
He may be forceful, but he doesn't know enough to keep the beans
out of chili."
-- Molly Ivins, one of the greats
Open Line BartCop
1. Why are Al Gore's poll numbers so low?
Is he going to win next year?
Have you ever in your life seen a horse race where the horse that broke
out first actually won?
That's why it's called "jockeying for position."
A smart jockey waits until he sees daylight, THEN he turns his horse
loose and wins the race.
Sure, the Shrub and others are ahead of Gore right now,
but is there an election coming up?
Noooooooooooooo.
It doesn't matter which football team has the most points
after the first 5 minutes of the Super Bowl.
Just ask Jim Kelly.
The campaign won't even start until a year from now,
and when it's the right time, Gore will turn his horse loose.
Trust me.
Meanwhile, the demos are gathering dirt on The Shrub's cocaine problems,
his secret hidden child, his booze problems, the $16,000,000
he got from brother-thief Kneel Butch,
who they're keeping waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay hidden these days.
The Democrats are gathering wood. They're going to wait until the GOP
puts
every single last egg into the Shrub's basket, then they'll
sink him like the Bismarck.
We at bartcop.com strongly recommend buy Gore now.
Uncle Bob Talks - from the Woodward book
One day, Clinton and Bennett went for a stroll
on the White House grounds.
Both had cigars.
Bennett lit his.
Clinton did not.
...this is good writing?
If it is, why am I not wealthy?
Where is BartCop's Pulitzer?
I can't write for shit, but I can write longer, more interesting sentences than,
"Both had cigars.
Bennett lit his.
Clinton did not."
That's ditto-monkey verse.
And tell me, what's the point?
Woodward's whoring another book, and a darker spot for himself in history,
so he keeps us informed as to the conflagration status of the cigars
these two men are holding?
(sigh)
...wish I had the talent to write like Bob Woodward...
Wait a minute...
this passage from CNN about Woodward's book:
(in whispered tones...)
It was Jan. 16, 1998, the day before Clinton's
deposition in
the Jones case, and Bennett believed he had
located the real
problem Clinton faced the next day. It was
not Kathleen Willey,
because that had never been a relationship,
right?
It was not Monica Lewinsky. It was improbable
that the president
was drilling a woman who brought pizza and
mail to the Oval Office.
No, Bennett believed, he had smoked out the real liability --
Marilyn Jo Jenkins, a beautiful marketing executive
whom Clinton
had known for more than a decade. Her name
had been linked to
Clinton in published reports, but only in
vague references.
Objection!!
Speculation in the extreme, Your Honor!
Clinton had denied to Bennett that he had a
sexual relationship with Jenkins.
Bennett was not buying it. Clinton reacted
differently when Jenkins's name came up.
The president paused in a forlorn and wistful
way.
Bennett couldn't quite put his finger on it,
but Clinton's manner was a definite tip-off.
...uhhhh,
If Clinton acted "differently" when her name came up, as opposed
to Kathleen Willey's and Monica's names, that means the purpose of
this book is confuse the people who are trying to pay attention?
If it was different with Jenkins, that means he's innocent,
if you assume Willey and Monica are telling the truth,
which is an assumption the size of Texas.
Why is Uncle Bob spilling his guts?
Attorney's can't DO that.
So if Uncle Bob's not talking, who is?
Is Clinton talking to Woodward?
That's it.
Clinton's feeding us dirt on himself.
It's a trick.
There's a reason.
Clinton is really too smart for everyone.
I'll feel better when he's retired.
It may just be a trick to see Pigboy play the fool.
If I was Clinton, I'd make Pigboy play the fool daily, which he has.
ha ha
Clinton is too smart.
Trust me - if he sold China rockets, they'll steer "funny."
If China launches against us, those missles will boomerang right back
on Beijing and Shanghai.
If they launch, they lose their coast for a hundred years.
Clinton is too smart,
...and they say his wife is smarter.
Ready?
This is so not a made-up bit,
Radio Personalities Poll in "Talkers" magazine
Criteria:
1. Originality
2. Smarts
3. Humor
4. Credibility
Howard Stern - overall 3.7
Tom & Ray Magliozzi - overall 3.5
Rush Limba - overall 3.2
Then there was yak, yak, yak about...
Terry Gross
Mark & Brian
Daniel Schorr
Don Imus
Greaseman
and, dead fucking last...
...and let's review the judging criteria...
Criteria:
1. Originality
2. Smarts
3. Humor
4. Credibility
Dr. Laura Schlessinger - overall 1.7
...I wonder if the fact that she spread her legs for a camera
played any part in the public saying she has no credibility?
Old Business
Want to know why Kosovo turned out like it did?
From RL-LNW Vol 131, check your archived editions.
(cough)
BartCop on Foreign Policy
Memo to President Clinton:
Bill, stop being such a pussy.
Stop threatening Saddam.
Just bust his ass.
Same with Kosovo.
I don't want to hear "air strikes are on the
table,"
one more goddamn time, do you hear me, Bill?
Stick a Tomahawk up his ass, THEN ask 'em if
he wants more.
The Air Force WANTS to teach them some manners.
Our Navy boys want some action, too.
So, knock off the John Lennon/Ghandi crap and
pound them.
You don't want to lose me on foreign policy,
Bill.
So, Clinton took my advice.
He's a wise man.
The Kosovarianss (homage to Shrub) got their land back,
Milo had to eat it in front of everyone,
we didn't lose anybody, our boys got to play with the live ammo,
which means they're so much sharper than whatever half-nutted,
double-gated, punk-ass, wooden-wheeled dictator's army who might
think they can give Bill Clinton the finger.
...and the Clinton prosperity miracle continues on.
Let me say one last thing:
Another BartCop Prediction.
...brbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrb...
Ready?
The week
When Clinton leaves, if Gore loses, the party ends.
yes, ... all right after the Simians take office.
Do me a favor - print this section.
America will take a BIG hit right after Clinton-Gore leave.
ha ha
I know Clinton isn't Johnny Boy-Scout, but Clinton's brains,
Thank you, President Clinton.
Monkey Mail
From: RKeough@utilicorp.com
Subject: Youve got two much time on your hand
I visited your webs sight out of mobid curiosity in hopes
Keough, Robert
I signed up for the Bag O' Hairspray e-mail list
FROM: "Elizabeth Dole" SUBJECT: I Want You On My Team!
Yes, it's really me!
All the polls show that I can beat Gore, and
I continue to be
I am in this campaign for the long haul, running
for the GOP
Can I count on you to help me at this crucial
moment?
ha ha
We "truly" money?
We need it now to make a difference.
What?
ha ha
"any pledge I make help?"
You can use your credit card and make a secure
pledge of $25 or
https://secure.dole.ny.intershop.com/cgi-bin/edole2000.storefront
https?
I know you may get a lot of spam with your
e-mail,
With warm best wishes,
Elizabeth Dole
P.S. Feel free to forward my e-mail to any
other friends
Dear Bag O',
Good luck with the Shrub and President Gore.
More Uncle Bob talks
"If you're caught ...in the White House," Bennett
said,
Is Bill Bennett worth $400 per hour? I think I could've
I think we know why Clinton didn't confide in Uncle Bob.
Clinton is a genius.
If Uncle Bob knew the truth, he couldn't defend him.
ha ha
If anyone knew the truth, ...anyone,
If Clinton had taken any other path than the one he took,
Clinton played it perfectly.
Great Mormon Quotes
I came from poverty. My parents were very poor.
B'Orrin Hatch?
ha ha
Too bad B'orrin didn't have a dog he could shave
Open Line BartCop
I read about Senator Pissquick losing his propeller
in
I have relatives in Knuckledrag.
ha ha
Yes, I can confirm that.
ha ha
Wow.
Have you ever wondered what RL-LNW would be like
This letter was printed in the local Knuckledrag newspaper.
Check this out, and tell me this doesn't sound like
Lost Message of the Cross
Lost in today's popular theo-politics is the
message of the cross.
How else does one explain the growing number
of conservative
Let's look at two individuals who have been
propelled to fame and
Rush Limbaugh has been praised and rewarded
financially by those
Laura Schlessinger masterfully uses her knowledge
of our
Yet, her vitriolic manner has been praised
and rewarded
1. At what point did American Christianity
sell out to selfishness,
2. What has happened to living our lives in
moderation so others
3. What has happened to the message of the
cross?
Judith I.
Judith, well put.
1. January 20, 1981
2. The red-meat cavemen aren't interested in "moderation."
How big would a "Vince Foster Committed Sucide" book be?
CNN can't get much mileage out of a suicide, but they can do a whole
series
Did Hillary murder Vince Foster?
The press turned complete whore in January of 1998.
3. ha ha,
ha ha
Religion is Coach McCartney making $3,000,000 every time he packs a
stadium
Religion is having your local arch-bishop void your
...by the way, Robertson, the insane tax-cheat, has lost
ha ha
Eat it, Pat.
Religion is what people used to need.
Of course, that same angel may push you in front of a train,
Religion is Ralph Reed making a deal with Bob Dole.
Take the money out of religion and you know what you've got?
I'm in trouble with the Oklahoma Motor Vehicle Divison.
I asked for a personalized license plate that reads:
3M TA3
Now, I'm on their "target list."
Can you tell why?
In a rear view mirror, it says something else.
Saw it on the internet...
Q: What do Jimmy Hoffa and Linda Tripp have in common?
A: Nothing, ...yet.
For years, whenever the subject of the Berlin Wall came up,
Certain ditto-monkeys believe that communism fell because
How absurd to suggest that one old man could demand something
Now, years later, new evidence surfaces about who was most
Larry Hagman killed communism?
No, Larry Hagman known worldwide as J.R. Ewing.
Recently I watched a very interesting show on Stalinist/Leninist PBS
called
They showed interviews with several eastern European women who were
fascinated with
This special showed footage of these poor bastards standing in line
for hours
That's gotta be a real mother-effer when it's 30-below in Stalingrad
So these poor commies watch JR living fantasies they've never even dreamed
of
Televison brought down the Soviet Union the way boom boxes
So,
...the next time you hear some ditto-monkey claim that Red-ink Reagan
was the guy
Open Line BartCop
Is Papax7 is for real, or is he a BartCop gag?
Wish I could claim him.
From my very conservative, long-time religio-wacko buddy's
>http://www.thebook.com/papax7
Bad news. I closed out my first two polls on
my web site and Algore won the
ha ha
Al Gore placed first in the uber-religious poll?
That is only because my lunylib buddy BartCop
stacked the deck.
Moi?
ha ha
I need to buy some more ram for my lungs.
ha ha
Al Gore won the first Papax7 web poll.
He won BIG, Sir.
But for the good news, I have another poll
up and running.
http://www.thebook.com/papax7/poll.htm
Uh- oh,
I hope lightning doesn't strike twice.
(note to self - delete this section from Papax7's copy)
That'd be awful if Reagan and the NRA were blamed for the violence that
plagues our schools.
I gotta say, about my buddy Papax7,
He stuck with the poll and declared Al Gore the winner.
I guess he and Billy Graham are the only two religio-nuts
Papa, if there's any honor in being awarded a "Barty,"
Notice I didn't mention anything about sanity, but I find you to be
an honest, mistaken
Hope my award doesn't cost you status with your peers,
bc
...or the month
...or the half-year after the Democrats leave office,
the market will dive like Lloyd Bridges.
The stock market will drop like a safe on quaaludes,
abortions will increase,
murders will rise,
inflation will go fucking crazy,
interest rates will go to 14,
housing starts will plummet,
unemployment will go to 16 percent,
minority unemployment will skyrocket,
Iran and North Korea will co-rattle.
Antarctica splits in half...
Granted, "right after" isn't micro-surgery, but if it happens
a year later, I won't say that's "right after."
This is a chance for you ditto-monkeys to catch me,
his never-stop work ethic and his mental toughness in the
face of the ditto-monkey impeachment, (plus some luck)
gave us 8 monster years, and we might be in for four more,
of seeing a liberalrebbutal to Rush Limbaghs broadcasts.
I found your sight to be nothing more than childish
name-calling without any suport for why you disagree with him why
dedicate a web site to waist of effort because you have nothing
better to do with you time than think upadolescent insults for
someone you don't know much about except what he used to look like?
What a looser you are
I've been meaning to contact you personally
by email
ever since you signed up with my campaign
website.
very strong in my campaign to win the Republican
nomination.
Now I want to personally ask for your help.
nomination and I am absolutely certain I can
win.
We truly money.
We "truly" can't write, can we?
Any pledge you make help.
Was this written by an American?
Typical ditto-monkey sentence structure.
$50 or $100 or the max of $1,000 via my website
by clicking here:
Make her stop!
Who's her webmaster, her husband?
No wonder she's broke - she's giving out the wrong URL.
and I know it can be irritating. But this
is a real request
from me, Elizabeth Dole, to you. I'm so grateful
to have you
aboard, and I hope you'll reply at once as
a friend and supporter.
you think will help us.
Hire a third-grader with a dictionary to help you.
"I'm not good enough to help you."
defended Clinton better, and I would've done it for free,
just so I could tease that punk Starr when it was over.
Clinton knew what he was doing.
Uncle Bob stayed inside the box.
There's some pretend bullshit that lawyers can't lie in court.
they'd have to perjure themselves OR,
or they'd have to rat out the president.
we'd be in the second year of Gore's presidency.
Elaine and I lived in a chicken coop during
law school,
a converted chicken coop that we had to convert
ourselves just to get by.
I worked as a janitor to get through college.
You're looking a real live janitor."
-- B'orrin Hatch, on Meet the
Catholic
Living in a chicken coop?
I want to see photos on his dot-com.
and sell the fur like poor little Bobby Dole.
Vol 143 of RL-LNW.
They say Pissquick often flies without a propeller.
Can you confirm?
Pissquick usually flies without a propeller,
if your ediotr had an IQ higher than 64?
You'd think the writer read RL-LNW Vol 143, and took those untamed
ideas and then
translated them into the language that the smart people with all the
money use.
something BartCop would write if he had an education:
Relying on the human tendency to prefer vice
over virtue,
skillful pastors and politicians have elevated
pride over humility,
envy over love, wrath over kindness, sloth
over zeal, avarice over
generosity, gluttony over temperance and lust
over self-control.
Christians who accept a version of the Gospel
that would have us
believe that Christ died to liberate us from
personal taxation?
fortune by thousands of conservative Christians
to understand the
pernicious nature of this popular theology.
who "ditto" his ferocity. His followers have
adopted his
intemperate language to hammer home their
self-centered agenda
in today's political arena.
voyeuristic nature to feed her avarice at
the expense of the
very people she claims to be "helping."
Her lack of mercy borders on cruelty.
monitarily by thousands of conservative Christians.
intolerance, exclusivity,
materialism and instant gratification?
can have food and clothing
and an education?
Broken Arrow, Oklahoma
I can answer those 3 questions,
but it's probably nothing you're going to want to hear.
"Moderation" won't sell books for the money-grubbing whores.
Nobody would buy that.
of specials called, "What if Hillary did it?" CNN
has rating needs.
Simon & Schuster will go $3,000,000 for a first draft,
and a bonus $5,000,000 if it hits Number One.
And CNN has hired another 60 people to work on "this story."
Gotta be first with the latest Drudge rumor,
can't wait to see if it's true, gotta run with the story right now...
I'm not sure that genie will ever get back in the bottle.
quit it.
You thought religion was about saving souls for Heaven?
with superstitious white men who forgot the importance of their marriage
vows.
28-year marriage because your last name is Kennedy.
Religion is buying a stairway to Heaven.
Religion is Pat Robertson, getting a check from the NRA.
exempt status to keep his books hidden from the IRS.
Religion is what you turn to when you're scared.
If you've ever in trouble, pretend you have an invisible angel standing
next to you
whose only job is to keep your corporial body intact for when God calls
you home.
in which case they'll call it, "God's mysterious ways."
Religion is Oral Roberts buying ANOTHER satellite.
Religion is Rush Limba making his weekly deposit.
Isn't that sad?
The OK State cops are watching for my car.
I always said that the credit for that belonged to Tom Foley and Tip
O'Neill
and even old Bob Dole because the arms race made the Russians eventually
give up,
and since only congress can spend the money necessary to win
the arms race,
the credit must belong to those who held the purse strings.
Red-Ink Reagan said, "Mr. Gorbachev, ...tear down this wall."
and if it eventually happened, he must've been responsible.
responsible and the new evidence points to Larry Hagman.
Larry Hagman?
You mean Tony Nelson from I Dream of Jeanie?
"The History of Television." They showed a TV station in Europe getting
their first signal
from the United States after the Telstar satellite was launched and
positioned.
this new technology. As the years went "buy" they were exposed to many
American TV shows.
Turns out "Dallas" was the most popular show in the communist countries.
to get their meager portions of rice and beans, then they'd go back
to their drab,
frozen homes and watch JR Ewing get in his BMW and drive home to his
mansion
and watch him walk past that incredible casino-style buffet dinner
table they had
and kiss his beautiful wife who's wearing the $8,000 Vera Wang.
and your rat-soup is getting colder every minute.
and they can't help but wonder if their iron-fisted overlords were
telling the truth
when they built a wall to keep this "awful capitalism" out of their
private paradise.
brought Ayatollah Komeinie's revolution to Iran.
who buried Soviet communism, ask him if he's really, really sure about
that.
website comes news of his internet political poll results,
(Ever notice, liberals always lose on-line polls?
Must be the wealthy, white people skewing the mix.)
(If you go, be polite.)
presidential poll and sodomcrats, aka Democrats,
won the party preference poll.
I'm not surprised.
Al Gore is very popular...
Stacked?
Koresh, let my lungs have more oxygen, please!
I will gladly pay you Tuesday, for more oxygen today,
Who's responsible for school violence?
Reagan?
The NRA?
The Republicans?
(cough)
That'd be terrible if there were two upsets in a row.
That'd be awful if you went there right now and voted.
(cough)
He could've cancelled that poll.
He smelled a rat, but unlike Liddy, he didn't eat it.
Trust me, he didn't want Gore to win his religio-poll,
but he's an honest religi-wacko with honor.
I've ever singled-out for their honesty and non-whorism.
I'd like to award one to you for your honesty.
man of principle, and in the GOP, that's gosh-darned hard to find.
