Email the Author: Bartcop
Why was Snoot Gingrich standing there
with an empty ice bucket in his hands?
And where were the animals?
Great GOP Quotes
"The reason most people are going to vote for
Clinton
is that they're not smart enough to realize
how unhappy they really are."
- Rush Limba, Sept 27
If that's not optimism, what is?
From: "Jason H. Barrett"
Just saw your web site...
Are you gay?
Hmmm....
Maybe I should reconsider my decision to have
mauve and lavender type with the taupe background.
Bob Dole.
A bitter man for a bitter America.
Caller: Rush, can I get your autograph?
Rush: No, and I'll tell you why.
If I sign an autograph for you, every caller will
want one, and I'd have to sign a few dozen a day.
Hey! You fat, lazy bastard!
You're making $25,000,000 a year screwing these poor idiots.
The very LEAST you could do is sign a few autographs for them, the
poor sheep.
Baseball players like Cal Ripkin sign hundreds of
autographs and they're not making half of what you make.
You don't even EARN that money.
Can't you throw your flock a bone?
Great GOP Quotes
"I don't think Clinton is a liberal."
-- Fred Barnes, Sept 29
Bob Dole is such a normal, hometown kind of guy.
His values reflect the fine folks in Russell, Kansas.
Bob Dole is a meat and potatos* man.
That's Bob Dole.
But,
how many really, really old guys in Russell, Kansas
use products made by Lady Clairol?
---
*tribute to Dan Quayle
FROM: THE ARIZONA REPUBLIC, 9/27/96
"They" say the National Park Service cut down 14 trees
at the Grand Canyon for a Clinton photo op last week.
Paul Harvey ran with the story, and Rush called it the latest example
of Democrats' evil - the ultimate sin of a supposedly eco-friendly
administration.
Well, there's one problem.
Like the haircut that closed down the LA airport, it didn't happen.
Utah's GOP Rep. Jim Hansen fanned the rumor, citing
Coconino County Sheriff Joe Richards as a source.
Richards, sheriff for 24 years, never heard of Hansen,
and he hasn't heard of any trees at the Canyon being cut.
That didn't stop the Utah Republican from repeating
the story days later to the Utah Mining Association.
"This may be hearsay and rumor... but we understand they
cut down 14 mature trees," Hansen told the miners.
Hansen sent a field rep from St. George to find evidence of the "tree
slaughter."
None was found.
As always, Limbaugh refused to retract his error, and Paul Harvey was
"unavailable" to comment.
His office said he was busy having sex with stallions and might return
calls later in the day.
Can the Republicans regain the White House as long as
Ralph Reed holds the mortgage on GOP primaries?
Dan Quayle - Stand Up Comedian
What's the difference between a oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
Give up?
The taste.
What's older?
The Empire State Building or Bob Dole's birth certificate?
It's Bob Dole,
by six years.
This just in...
Republican egghead George Will dumped his first wife.
Is anyone keeping score?
Name a big Republican who kept his first wife.
I can think of former President Butch....
How about Bill Bennett?
Did he trade up?
Can you think of any others?
In 1952, the Eisenhower hatchetmen screamed
"evildoer" at Stevenson because he was divorced.
(And Eisenhower was screwing around on Mimi.)
These days, ha ha,
I can't help it, ha ha,
the ONLY guy to stick with his wife is a guy
Rush Limba calls "a Clinton clone" - Butch!
Millionaire defendant John DuPont narrowly won a court
decision keeping him out of prison, at least for now.
DuPont told Judge Patricia Jenkins he was Jesus.
The judge didn't buy it.
DuPont told Judge Jenkins he was the Dalai Lama.
The judge still thought he was faking insanity.
However, when DuPont told the judge he thought Bob Dole could cut taxes
AND balance the budget, she granted a defense motion and ruled him
insane.
She sent him to a psychiatric facility in southern Pennsylvania for a three-year evaluation period.
Snoot Gingrich BITES, while children go hungry?
This is America?
Bob Packwood and Clarence "Slappy" Thomas took one of those Kathy Lee
cruises.
Forty miles away from Bermuda, the ship began taking on water, so the
Captain ordered
all passengers into the life rafts.
A deck hand yelled "Women and children first."
Packwood said "Screw the women and children."
Slappy said "Do you think we have time?"
Honus Wagner was a great baseball player.
His trading cards are so rare, there are only two
from his rookie season considered in "mint condition."
One of the two perfect cards sold last week for a half-million dollars.
Do you know why Honus Wagner's card is so rare?
Because back then, almost 75 years ago, trading cards were promoted
by the cigarette companies.
Honus Wagner didn't like cigarette companies, so he quit doing business
with them.
Bob Dole,
Call your office.
True Rush Quotes
"Pick ANY movie, and you'll notice that EVERY
character
chain-smokes in EVERY scene of EVERY
movie."
That's how phoney these Hollywood tobacco-nazi's
are."
Is Rush the type to exaggerate?
Heard in New York
Lady: Officer, I just broke my water. Help me!
I'm going
to have a baby - RIGHT NOW!
Officer: Relax, lady. Everything's going to be fine.
Lady: Really? Do you have experience assisting a woman with childbirth?
Officer: Not really, but it shouldn't be too hard.
I once helped Rush Limbaugh out of a Miata.
Have you ever seen the old Perry Mason shows?
The ones in black & white?
Does Lt. Tragg remind you of Bob Dole?
What's older?
The pyramids of Eqypt or Bob Dole?
The pyramids are, but just barely.
Some odd things from our staff's recent research trip.
First, this conversation with a Visitor's Center lady.
BartCop: Do you have a map of Seattle?
VC Lady: Do you want city or county?
BartCop: Well...actually, both would be nice.
VC Lady: You're in luck!
The county map is on BACK of the city map.
Second, do you know that ball of fire in the sky?
Yeah, that BIG one.
It's a sun.
They call it Sol.
What that is, is a sphere of exploding gasses that's about 180 times
bigger than the planet Earth, and it's about 7 million miles away.
When taking pictures of the sun setting, your 1/2 watt flashbulb won't
save the day.
The guy who did that was named Dan, but it wasn't Quayle.
Lastly, Maybe I'm asking too much, but does anyone else agree that it
would be better
to have people who can speak English running the concessions at Denver's
new airport?
Twice, we almost missed our flight trying to explain what "Coca-Cola" was.
G. Gordon Liddy says anyone with a history of
drug abuse should not be allowed at the White House.
When he found out he was persona non-grata at
the White House, Squeaker Gingrich was furious.
Dan Quayle was outraged. Connie Mack had an attack,
and Susie "Creamcheese" Molinari lit a joint.
Hey, Gordon!
Should a loudmouth with 6 felony convictions be allowed to teach
morality to people who've never been accused of a crime?
Remember JC Watts? (R - Bonehead)
The GOP Freshman who's more moral than you?
The guy who fathered God-knows-how-many illegitimate
children before he was "saved" by supply-side economics?
The House of Representatives announced they'd submit
to drug-testing. Of the 435 people in the GOP-controlled
Congress, fewer than 45 showed up.
Watts has been whining about everyone else's lack of control and his
higher
moral plane, so when two Oklahoma legislators showed up for their tests,
everybody wondered where Mr. Holier-Than-You was.
(Is that why he asks his friends to call him JC?)
A Tulsa radio station called his office and was told Mr. Watts didn't
submit
to the voluntary drug-tests because there was a $30 fee.
So, the Tulsa station asked 30 listeners to pledge a dollar each for
Mr. Holier-Than-You's drug test. In minutes, they had $30 so they called
Mr. Watt's office back only to find he had suddenly "left."
Confronted with the news of the $30, the office person
said Watts wanted to take the test, but was "too busy."
Watts was eventually shamed into taking the test.
Fortunately, no drugs were found in his system.
However, the lab found trace amounts of compassion and decency in
his urine and huge amounts of self-righteousness, religio-smugness
and
buckets and buckets of self-importance.
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Email the Author: Bartcop