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Subject: some stuff that's on my mind
Hi, BartCop!
The crowd's been a little
rough on you the last couple of days
(actually, it's kind of nice, though, to see
people forming their own opinions
and offering support for them, whether you buy
their argument or not).
Anyway, I thought I'd toss out a couple more
issues for consideration.
1. Who scheduled the skeet shoot in Peru?
How long has the CIA been
yelling "pull" so other countries could shoot
down planes from the U.S.?
2. They claim that they thought this might
have been a cocaine smuggling plane.
If they really thought so, perhaps they should
have taken a closer look to see
if there was, say, a president or southern governor
at the controls.
ha ha
3. That "closer look" could have included
a quick check for a flight plan,
and interception at the destination. Even
if they thought the flight plan was false,
they could have followed it. Having the
Peruvanites (Bushism) shoot it down
seems presumptive, to say the least.
4. Where is the indignation from the Christian
Right (which, of course, is neither)?
Or the press, for that matter? An innocent woman
missionary and her 7 mo. old
daughter were killed because of this insane activity.
5. Were these same agents in China recently? Do they have a pilot among them?
On another note, the following headline is on
an article in the 4/30/2001
Newsweek: "DEATH OF A DREAM: The
co-creator of a popular magazine tells
what it was like to be fired by corporate forces
allied with the president".
I plunged into the article, wondering which tabloid
had angered the administration,
or thinking, perhaps, that we would learn an
ugly truth about the end of Volt.
I finally got a glimpse of the cover of the magazine,
and realized it was a Russian
publication. I wasn't sure whether to feel
relieved (temporarily) or extremely frightened
that it had sounded possible for it to be here.
The demise of the free press in America is
truly an awful thing.
Thankfully, we have people like you fighting
to keep the truth available.
Peace.
Pam
Pam, it may be worse than you think.
For example, here in K-Drag, the morning drive
man turned ditto-monkey
just so he could scream call Bill Clinton a "dirty
rapist."
But screaming "dirty rapist" at the president
isn't right-wing enough for this Bedrock-throwback,
so Michael Del Giorno, former top liutenant to
Pat Robertson is now his competition.
Nowhere on Tulsa talk radio will you hear anything
approaching what the majority of
Americans voted for last September.
We have two kinds of talk radio in Tulsa: Hard-right and ultra-hard right.
Same way for the newspapers.
The only paper in town was the Tulsa World.
In the last eleven national elections, the Tulsa
World endorsed the idiot Smirk, Dole, Bush,
Bush Reagan, Reagan, Ford, Nixon, Nixon, Goldwater
and Nixon.
But that's not good enough for Jim Inhofe's (R-Pissquik) state.
Today, a new newspaper came into existence - The
Tulsa Beacon.
The Rush/Laura/Harvey station has been promoting
them all day for free.
Well, I can't guarantee no money changed hands,
but the talking ditto-monkeys
haven't stopped talking about The Tulsa Beacon
since I turned on the radio today.
And I'm talking about both talk stations.
The reason for The Tulsa Beacon?
This city is tired of the far-left-wing-biased
Tulsa
World, which endorsed the idiot Smirk,
Dole, Bush, Bush Reagan, Reagan, Ford, Nixon,
Nixon, Goldwater and Nixon.
Remember the Republican primaries? That's
how Tulsa is:
"I'm more right-wing than you are."
"No, I'm more right-wing than you are."
"No, I am."
"No, I am."
...and on it goes.
It's scary as hell.
They refuse to tell the truth, and they don't
allow centrist points of view.
Smirky and Reagan and God, and Klinton is the
Devil.
It's not a joke, anymore.
The majority of voters no longer have a voice.
From: The Dark Revenger
Subject: Clinton's cock
If you are so obsessed with those that (he
means 'who') are so obsessed with
Clinton's cock, why don't you go suck Clinton's
cock? Or have you already?
You must know where he lives by now.
The Dark Revenger
ha ha
Another bad first-impression Republican.
Looks like somebody's losing their
cool,
At least you admitted your side is obsessed
with his cock.
They say that's the first step to recovery
- admitting your side has the problem.
To answer youre question, no, I've never met Bill Clinton and I believe he lives in Chappaquah, NY.
Remember, I didn't chase Clinton's cock
for nine years, YOUR side did.
All Clinton ever wanted to do was lead.
You side's been poking around in his pants
all thru the nineties.
And I know you guys enjoyed that.
How else could semen have been on Hardon
Kenny's copy of the impeachment referral?
Hey, cool name, Dude.
The
Dark Revenger! (Da, da, dahhh)
Do you wear a costume with a cape?
ha ha
What are your colors? Light yellow
and dark yellow?
What's the emblem on your chest - a dunce
cap or a question mark?
ha ha
I think "Dork Scavenger" might be a better
name for you.
ha ha
At least you know your Clinton-cock obsession
is a problem...
Good luck to Dork Scavenger.
How did the Bush family make their fortune?
Reminder
Smirky promised tax cuts "so help me God."
He also promised our military boys a raise, but he didn't
use God's name on the raise
because the son of a Butch was lying about helping the
military.
From: awkwardone
BartCop:
I
write a column in my high school newspaper titled The Orator's Corner,
in which I take
a very liberal stance on many current social
issues, especially capital punishment and foreign policy.
Some of the teachers at my Catholic high school
like it, and I've never had a problem with administrative censorship.
The following is my April 2001 column...
notice that I slipped a few cheap shots in there about Smirk.
"I voted for Ralph Nader, and all I got was this lousy President"
Quote for the appointed President
'When I was your age, I always did it for half-an-hour
a day.
Why, sometimes I've believed as many
as six impossible things before breakfast.'"
-- Lewis Carroll, from Smirky in Wonderland
A new USA Today/CNN/Gallup Poll indicates
that although voters
nationwide generally support many of the
new president's policies,
nearly half say he didn't win the election
fair and square.
Yet, the Democrats are too willing to be Smirk's cabana boy.
Bob Kerrey
Bombshell
Former Senator haunted by Vietnam massacre
Excerpt:
"I went out on a mission and after it was
over I was so ashamed I wanted to die.'
This is killing me. I'm tired of people
describing me as a hero and holding this inside.''
Bob, you attacked Clinton for wanting to keep a blow job secret,
and now you admit this?
I'd say this makes you an "unusually good liar," Bob.
It's Payback Time for Jeffers
As happens every year, the president honored
the nation's teacher of the year at a White House ceremony.
She is from Vermont. So, too, is the chairman
of the Senate Education Committee.
He wasn't there.
He wasn't invited.
The White House insists President Bush meant
no calculated disrespect to Senator James Jeffords,
a Vermont Republican, by not inviting him
to the event Monday.
This is a bald-faced lie.
Of course this was a calculated slap at Jeffords, who split
with Smirky last week on the size
of his tax cut for the super-rich and threatened to bolt to "the
other side of the aisle"
if Smirky's threats got too snippy.
Why won't the press call Bush on this when he tells his bald-faced lies?
What happened to honesty in the press?
Why are they covering up for Bush?
Why can't we just get the truth?
It's unconscionable that people have to go to BartCop's
Comedy Treehouse
to get the true facts about this lying thief who calls himself
"president."
...and the press constantly published stories about the "new tone" Smirk has set?
How dare the press cover up the lies of this bastard president.
Morton
Downey Jr.
Robert
Downey Jr.
Two men, sharing the same name and a drug addiction.
Robert was arrested again, which hardly seems possible.
Robert has several things working against him:
1. The drugs he likes are illegal.
2. He likes to do those drugs outside.
3. When he sees a "sharp curve ahead" sign, he ignores it.
Morton, on the other hand, liked a legal drug, one that
kills.
Morton knew he'd have to leave Earth if he kept smoking, but
he couldn't stop.
Robert was getting paid (perhaps) $50, 000-100,000 per week to
kiss this women.
Robert had the life many men wish for - fame, money, women, cars,
drugs - whoops!
But nooooooooooooooooooo.
The drugs meant more to him than his freedom.
Christ, that's sad.
Robert was fired by David E. Kelley and written out of the season-closing
shows.
Regardless of his legal wizardry, his career seems to be over.
Robert was never my favorite, but I always knew who he was (didn't
he do Chaplain?)
I think the first time I ever saw his work was un US Marshalls
with Pamela Anderson's husband Tommy Lee.
(Just saying HI to my old friend Bojan in Bosnia!)
But I really, really liked his work on Ally McBeal.
They say he turned that show around. He was a great actor
on that show.
His work was very calm and effortless, but still intense.
His character was so well-defined, other actors must've been
jealous.
Salon.com called him the most talented actor of his generation.
It's hard to believe he could do that high quality work on heroin
and cocaine.
But then again, Darryl could hit home runs while high, so what
do I know?
It's damn sad, losing Robert this way.
4/24/01
I hear the conservatives whining that if an actor "comes out"
and admits
he's a Bush supporter or a conservative, they can't get work.
Horseshit!
Is there even one example of this fraudulent theory?
Are there any decent Republican actors?
Charlton Heston - can't act, never could
Major Dad - can't act, never could
Shannen Doughtery - can't act, never could
Bo Derek - can't act, never could
Mel Gibson - can't act, never could
Arnold - can't act, never could
Rapist Reagan - can't act, never could
Ben Stein - can't act, never could
Ted Nugent - if he could act, he couldn't act
Billy Jack - can't act, never could
John Wayne - can't act, never could
J. J. Walker - can't act, never could
Bruce Willis - can't act, never could
Clint Eastwood - can't act, never could
(Well, those last two can play a squinty-eyed loner, but they
can't act)
Who are the actors who are getting blackballed?
Who are the "talented" republicans who can't get work?
I'll tell you what it is:
Republican actors have no range or emotions because they have
no heart.
If they could put themselves in someone else's shoes, they'd
be Democrats.
Republicans have no place telling stories.
If you know of a conservative who can act, write to me.
A website for Senate Democrats
The Whole World is Laughing
Presidency
of Dunces
(Once again, we must leave America to hear a dissenting opinion)
Excerpt:
The scene is the Oval Office. The time
is early April 2001. The United States and China
are locked in a stand-off with 24 American
aircrew held captive, their spy plane
downed. Behind the desk is President George
W Bush, grilling his aides on this
complex diplomatic confrontation. Just
as John F Kennedy interrogated his advisers
during the Cuban missile crisis, so it
falls to Bush to put the single question that
might get to the heart of this superpower
showdown.
So what does Bush ask?
"Do the members of the crew have Bibles?
Why don't they have Bibles?
Can we get them Bibles?
Would they like Bibles?"
Smirky, those men didn't need a fiction
book about angels.
They needed an intelligent president with
a backbone.
From: johnpavlik@mac.com
Subject: still wrong
PREZ's (other) DAUGHTER IN SPRING BREAK BOOZE BINGE
Supreme Court OKs Arrest and Handcuffs for Minor Traffic Offenses
Whore City - A divided Supreme Court (5-4, you
don't even need to ask) has ruled that
police may arrest individuals for minor
traffic or other misdemeanor offenses, such as
unbuckled seat belts or public littering.
The Whore Court declared the Constitution's
Fourth Amendment, which bans unreasonable arrests
and searches, does not prevent angry police
from making such arrests on simple whims.
The dissent warned the ruling ``has potentially
serious consequences for the everyday lives of Americans.
A broad range of conduct falls with this
category,'' extending from traffic offenses to littering, for example.
Souter, normally one of the sane members
of the Whore Court, was joined by four Reichmeisters
-- Chief Whore Rehnquist, and elves Scalia,
Kennedy and Clarence Slappy Thomas.
Well, I don't know about you, but this doesn't seem overly harsh
to me.
I mean, in Cincinatti they just murder you without any warning.
Next to that, this Reich-ruling is a walk in the park.
I remember how worried some people were, who thought Bush might
turn America into
some kind of fascist police state where spitting on the
sidewalk might mean a beating..
Boy, were they off-the-mark.
Now, you'll get a broomhandle up the ass if a cop thinks you looked
at him "funny,"
and it's all perfectly legal and proper thanks to Smirky's
theft-enablers
Housekeeping
There's a certain lonely freeper, ...initials LK.
He seems to have stolen The Bird's thunder as "most crazed
BartCop stalker."
He bills himself as the "Anti-BartCop destroyer" or something
like that.
LK has multi-theater wars going with a dozen readers, maybe
more.
If you want to duke it out with LK, more power to ya.
But don't think you're the only one he's pestering.
But until he has the balls to get enough friends together to get
in the ring on a Thursday night,
there's no need to forward to me, cc's of your replies to him.
Trust me, I'm not talking to you.
LK is simultaneously sniping at a dozen or more sane people.
If everyone sends me a cc, I'm in trouble.
Plus, many of you know he takes 2,000 words to make a point.
Forgive me if I'm being too blunt.
I just have more Lanny mail than I can handle.
(There - you got your mention, OK?)
From: Laura81766@aol.com
Subject: Bill Maher's rant
I think the Bill Maher rant regarding China was
a load of macho, jingoistic, nationalistic right wing bullshit.
Frankly it also sounded a little racist.
I am surprised someone like you Bart, who is obviously
a liberal would go in for that kind of crap.
I'm not surprised it came from Maher because
he is, despite strongly defending Clinton
(which I will always appreciate him for),
really a conservative.
That sort of crap went out with the cold war.
Anyway I don't go for that flag-waving patriotism
nonsense, I am an internationalist.
Besides he did not attack smirk once in his diatribe,
had he I would feel differently.
Laura, one good thing about us being open-minded liberals is that we
can still be friends
even though you are completely wrong on this.
I know you've never been a man, but there's something huge at stake.
You can take all the hundreds of thousands of words that have been
written and spoken
about this spy plane deal, but it all boil's down to this:
Bobby is 12 and just moved to town and he's starting his first day at the new middle-school.
IF,
that first morning as he's walking to school, some two-bit bully tells
Bobby
he needs to
come up with some milk money if Bobby wants to have a good first
day at school.
Now, Bobby has at least two choices, but,
IF
he pays that bully that first day, he's screwed forever.
That's one part Maher had exactly right. He said,
"I know men are evil and crude.
But sometimes, a little macho is what
you need."
This is the part I forgive you for not knowing about.
If we tell the class bully we're "very sorry" and give him money, we're
fuct.
If we establish the precedent that when China screws up, we apologize,
then China will take Taiwan and demand an apology from the United States.
That class bully can't have an inch, especially since Bobby knows karate and can kick his ass.
The point was not those 24 American warriors.
The point was a peaceful planet for the next 50 years.
As far as racist, yeah, he did an "Asian driver" joke, which was a joke
lost on me,
because Oklahoma doesn't do Asians. Are Asians in a lot of wrecks?
One other thing that's perhaps not been made clear:
I'm not suggesting we should've sacrificed those 24 people.
I'm saying peace on planet Earth outweighs their lives.
Once we knew they were alive and healthy, China was under worldwide
pressure
no to torture or kill those people. If China tortured and murdered
innocent Americans
for no reason, you'd see a China blockade/quaranteen like nobody's
ever
seen.
...and I pity the fool country that sides with China when they
murder innocent Americans
while the whole world's watching after a real president warned
them not to.
Remember 1979?
Reagan's trading partners Hezzbollah stormed our embassy in Tehran and
kidnapped everyone.
America was powerless - if we wanted to save those lives.
Then the Ayataollah (or one of them) threatened to put our diplomats
on trial.
In perhaps the toughest statement of his career, Jimmy Carter got on
TV and looked
the Ayatollah in the eye and said, "You will NOT put those people
on trial."
The Ayatollah backed off and we got those innocent people back 444 days
later, after Saint Reagan
and CIA-Bush sent word to the Ayatollah that it was "A-OK"
to let them go.
Sidebar:
You know another thing they never talk about?
Maybe Robert
Parry could give us the exact quote, but after Reagan won in November
1980,
Iran wanted to release the hostages right away,
and "word came" that no, they had to hold them
until January 20th, so Reagan would look like
John Wayne instead of a back-stabbing swindler
by having Khomeinie hold those people an extra
75 days.
How am I the only one who gets pissed off about
shit like that?
Why don't people talk about that?
(clears throat)
Laura, do me this one favor:
When you reply, you don't have to agree about my "Bobby's first day
at school" analogy
but you should at least address it because that's what the MEN
in the country are thinking.
From: jenny@withheld.com
Subject: language...
Hiya.
First, let me say that I DO enjoy the site.
I got the link from The Democratic Underground.
I just wanted to let you know, Mr. BartCop, that
your references to "sluts", "whores", "pussies",
"skanky hos', etc. (not to mention the Belinda
Playboy spread) is really not giving our party,
(Remember the Democrats?) a good name.
I understand that some of these terms were referring
to scary Repug women, and I agree w/ you
as far as not liking them, but USING SUCH TERMINOLOGY
IS VERY OFFENSIVE TO
MANY OF US WOMEN WHO ARE DEMOCRATS AS WELL.
Are you just another man who just doesn't get
it?
We women already have the Repugs against us,
you too?
Please reply.
P.S.- Do you want to alienate A LOT of women
who visit your site?
-Cricket
Cricket,
First off, thank Koresh there are some fighters left in the
Democrat party.
Hell, it could come down to me and you against the Republicans.
Y'know, if I had a dollar every time someone wrote to tell me how big
I could be
if I stopped using the language most Americans use, I'd have
a bunch of dollars.
Sure,
I could say I was "gosh darn" disappointed in President Bush's misguided actions.
I could say the Democrats would "do good" to more forcefully vocalize some opposition.
I could say it's "very impolite" for Rush to call Chelsea, "the White
House dog," but I
think the biggest problem the Demos have right now is they're either
too polite or too scared
You and me, ...we're cut from the same cloth.
You could've written and said,
"Jeepers, Mr. Bart. I'll bet you could attract
more fans with cleaner language
instead of the stronger language
you currently use, my friend."
No, you charged in like a tiger, and challenged me to stand up and defend myself!
Yes!
We need more Crickets to stand up and fight!
...but what was wrong with that Belinda Carlisle deal?
I remember a little cleavage, less than you'd see Oscar night.
Those were all PG pictures, weren't they?
If you mean that sit-in-judgment attitude I was wolfing, c'mon,
if she's going to be in Playboy, a man can ask his friends if she qualifies,
right?
I suggest we point our guns towards the bad guys.
Our side needs fighters.
We need people ready to raise some hell.
If we lay down - we're dead.
At the Gym
This seems to be "attack the host" day, but I need to go out on
another limb.
I'm at the gym Monday, and to me, a locker room is place
to shower and change clothes.
I have no problems with the male form, I have one myself.
But I come back from working out, and there's some dude standing
there,
pretty much AT the entrance to the locker room, and he's standing
their naked at the mirrors
which constitute the hallway to the lockers, naked as Ron Jeremy,
and he's shaving.
There he stands, with his big hairy ass, shaving.
Why?
Dude, there's two new things in town. One is a towel, and another
one is a hair dryer.
Why don't you step from the shower, dry yourself, put on your
panties and then stand before
the mirrors and go through your (face) shaving ritual with your
hairy ass put back in it's cage?
Maybe it's my Catholic upbringing, and I repeat, I have no problem
with utility naked.
Christ, you can't go swimming until you drop your pants - that's
not a problem for me.
But standing in the hallway with your naked ass?
Since this is "attack the host" day, I suppose my gay brothers
will write and complain
that I'm not tolerant enough to the male ass, but that's not
ever gonna work.
I have a new hierarchy of "go away."
1. Tom Green
2. A man's hairy ass.
3. Moving in with Larry Klayman.
4. Probably involves Linda Tripp, so let's move on.
When I bolted, he was still shaving, with his big hairy man's ass.
Then, ...there was the other thing.
At "Planet Fitness," where Lynda Von Schtupp works,
(we tried three gyms, there's a story there, but I need to break
my back or something
so I have more time to write.) there was this other weirdo.
I think it was my second workout at Planet Fitness.
Funny how the three big-name gyms in K-Drag are so different.
"Planet Fitness" had more neon, more babes, Lynda Von Schtupp,
and more TV's,
but they wanted $700 a year, and I'm sorry, I'm not willing to
pay $700 a year for good health.
Anyway, besides those other anomononees,*(homage
to W&S) they had scales in the locker room.
It's my second time there, so I figure I'll weigh myself to get
a baseline.
So when I'm done pounding iron (is that the phrase?) I go into
the locker room and there's
some dude, in his Ned Beatty panties, on the triple-beams, weighing
himself.
Uh-Oh,
...I hope I didn't give away my druggie past by referring
to the scales as "triple-beams,"
but that's what they were, they had triple-beams, so fuck it.
(sorry Cricket)
So I shower and change and when I come out, that same dude is
still
on the scales,
in his underwear, staring at whatever numbers the scales
were giving him.
It's been six or eight minutes, and Beatty is still standing
on the scales.
I'm trying to get a baseline, here, and Ned is hogging the triple-beams.
I don't like being in a room with men without pants when
one of them starts to act "funny."
I think when men pull down their pants, there should be a strict
rules of protocol.
I guess the worst part was, since it had been 6-8 minutes, I assumed
he'd soon be done decoding
the tricky scale equation theorem so, like the blank-slate
ignoramous that I am, I stood there
for a minute and waited. Ned just stared down at the scale readings,
like Michael Spinks.
I guess he just couldn't believe the news, whatever it was, but
as the minutes ticked by,
and the numbers fail to respond to those mental commands he was
surely broadcasting,
shouldn't the guy give up after, ...like, ...ten minutes?
I never did get to weigh myself, so I just left.
That was my last trip to Planet Fitness.
Did I mention that Planet Fitness was open 24/7?
I hope he's not still there.
From: mborkowski3@yahoo.com
Subject: recent supreme court
Hi Bartcop,
Could you explain on your site why the center-left
s.c. justices voted
to keep a 47% black congressional district; and
Scalia didn't.
I thought the district was racist gerrymandering.
Or am i wrong?
MB, you could be wrong, I have no idea.
You'd be surprised how much I don't know about gerrymandering.
I know what it is, but I have no opinion on it.
The Bird Comes Thru
http://www.unknown.nu/cartoon/
Christopher
Hitchens Hates Everybody
But he hates Bill Clinton most of all.
I've seen Hitchens do at least a dozen interviews, and it's always
with a Clinton-hater.
Why can't the American media put Hitchens in a room with Carville
or McDougal or
Bill Press or somebody who can take the truthful side and let
them battle it out?
Typical Hitchens interview:
Q. What do you think of the late Mother Thersa?
A. She was a whore, no doubt about it, just like Nancy Reagan.
Q. How big a crook was Clinton?
A. The biggest!
Q. What bothered you the most about Clinton?
A. The rapes, the child murders, the crimes, the thefts.
Q. How big a monster is Clinton?
A. The biggest!
...and what have we learned?
That Hitchens hates Clinton, Mother Theresa and Nancy Reagan.
If you hear a dozen interviews with Hitchens, you'll hear those
words a dozen times.
Can American journalism possibly get any worse?
From: zroybatty2013@hotvoice.com
Subject: Email address
Hi Bartcop,
I'm trying to contact the webmaster at http://demsunited.cjb.net
a site which carries some of the images you've
been putting up of late.
I assume these images were emailed to you; if
so, could you help me out with the email address
from which they were sent? I have tried the email
address listed at the site and it isn't working.
Thanks
Roy Batty
Roy, not sure I can help, but there's a chance http://demsunited.cjb.net
will see this
and contact you or correct any problems. They
do good work.
A double shot of Wolf
Check out Wolf's great work at http://hometown.aol.com/wgrulkey/Eddycartoonpage1.html
From: ScottDavs@aol.com
Subject: Scott
Davis Interviews BartCop
Scott: Care to disclose your real name? If not, why not?
BartCop: Actually, there is no "BartCop." One of the project
managers working on an
artificial intelligence project for IBM got caught masturbating at
work and was fired.
He thought he knew enough to continue the project on his own, so he
built a computer in his
garage and called it "BartCop," after his cat, but it never got any
smarter than an IQ of 64.
He brought in outside help to try to make BartCop smarter, but all
they got out of it was crap.
Every time BartCop tried to show some intelligence, the results were
so stupid and ignorant
that the whole team was rolling on the floor laughing. It was like
the Three Stooges, but stupider.
The team kept tweaking it, but it never could produce. The team finally
figured out they could
get BartCop to download news stories off the net, then take whatever
came out and run it through
the cursing-Oakie-dialectizer at rinkworks.com.
The results seemed funny, so they started this
newsletter and it took off - if "took off" is what you call
it when it takes six years to break 500 hits.
Most of the team has moved on now. BartCop was set on autopilot
in the summer of 1999.
One of the guys even figured out a way for BartCop to read and respond
to e-mail. Every July 4th
and New Years the team gets together to try to improve it, but BartCop
seems to be incapable of
learning anything new. Everything is "Pigboy" this and "whore"
that. It's such a disappointment.
Scott: Why do you use Koresh as an exclamation?
BartCop: The team was represented by seven different religions.
When the cursing-Oakie-dialectizer
asked us which God's name to take in vain, we were stuck until Larry
Klayman came on CNN and
said he was representing David Koresh's "ethereal spirit" in a class-action
lawsuit against Bill Clinton
- so we just figured it was a sign from God and we went with it.
Scott: Where is Knuckledrag?
BartCop: One of the writers married a girl from Oklahoma, and
he's stuck in that Koresh-forsaken hole,
the most ass-backwards place in America, so we tease him by making
Knuckledrag the "home office."
He hates it when BartCop runs that line.
Scott: Is that where you live, if not, where?
BartCop: The team is from all over: Two in Brooklyn, one each
in Las Vegas, St Louis and Oklahoma.
Our Mr Spock lives in Braintree and Marc Perkel, the ringleader, is
in sunny San Francisco.
That's why those "vacation" stories are always about the same places.
Right now, the Brooklyn team
is phonying up some touristy New York "vacation" pictures for the late-May
issues.
Scott: Why do you care so passionately about politics?
BartCop: When we discovered BartCop was stuck in "stupid" mode,
we knew we couldn't get it to
work on any intelligent topics. It had to be a topic full of morons,
dweebs, waistoids and dorks so
"BartCop" would fit in. Politics was a smooth mesh.
Scott: What political party do you belong to?
It seems like Democratic, but sometimes you don't like them either.
BartCop: Well, there were no Nazi's on the team, so we didn't
want to make BartCop conservative,
so we went with the Demos until they went full-pink tutu. Now
BartCop is really confused.
Scott: How do you know Susan McDougal?
BartCop: None of us really "know" Susan McDougal, but our Okie
rube fell into some easy money
when she gave her first post-prison speech in Tulsa so he bought tickets.
He got to meet her and got her
autograph. She even gave him her home address when he asked
for her e-mail address. His constant bragging
about that accidental good luck has made him so hard to work with,
we may drop him from the team.
Scott: Why is there a "Thanks for the fumble, dude" quote barely discernable at the end of every column?
BartCop: The very first assistant BartCop had was a hueueuege
fan of the Oklahoma Sooner football team.
His name was Sabutai. He died a couple of days before
the Sooners won the championship in January.
Between his death and the big game, BartCop, with that ironic, moronic
sense of humor, jokingly asked
Sabutai (who was at least as ag as BartCop) to
"send
a signal from the other side."
Well, instead of re-telling that whole story, check the ends of Volume
370 and Volume
373.
Scott: What kind of job allows you such time to write so extensively?
BartCop: It's a computer - it just stays on...
Scott: Thank you for sitting for this interview.
BartCop: Thanks for asking easy questions.
I forget...
Is it illegitimate president or bastard president?
Read the Previous Issue
It had everything.
Copyright © 2001,
bartcop.com
Thanks for the fumble,
Dude.