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Dueling Quotes
"They pulled it closed and screamed at me and
said, "We're closed,'
People are still arriving, trying to
vote. I feel terrible."
-- Lori Duffy, 37, a Florida resident who tried to vote
at 7 p.m.
Jeb ordered the polls to stay open until
9 after "voting irregularities" occured
"What is it with Democrats having a hard time
voting -- I don't know,"
-- Gov Bush (Florida) who thinks the right to vote is
a joke
With the press on the B.F.E.E.
payroll, I'll bet he gets away with it.
Wow!
I taped the last 15 minutes or so, but damn, what a performance!
Dave peppered Bill about bin Laden, the Middle East, September
11th, pollution,
solar energy, Dubai economic zones, electronic cars ...and
you know Clinton!
Clinton was sharper than Spock and Data put together.
Every question, Bill would rattle off a list of good news and
bad news, then explained
why they were good or bad, then listed the people who he thought
could do the job,
along with the pluses and pitfalls of each option, and what the
odds were of success.
ha ha
He did that with every damn question, and there were what, 8-10 questions?
Jesus, that was impressive.
He was counting options on his fingers and he was correcting
Dave's imprecise questions.
He kept saying, "The short answer is yes," or "no,"
for the simps who can't remember much.
After one displaying particularly intimate details about some
complicated subject, Dave said,
"I think you're still the president."
<big round of clapping and hooting>
Call me psychic, but I think what Dave wanted to say was "I
wish you were president now."
You can say I'm wrong, but "still the
president" doesn't make sense and it wasn't funny.
I think that was his fall back line when he realized he was about
to undermine Bush with a big
no-confidence vote.
Towards the end of the second segment, Clinton was finishing a
long, detailed answer, Dave said,
"We're going to take a quick break -
why don't you
sit there and try to think of
something to say."
That was another compliment.
He knows President Pinhead couldn't give detailed answers if
he had weeks to study them.
Dave was getting some of that Clinton charm.
If Clinton was a car salesman, Dave would've bought the whole
fleet.
They've met once briefly, Dave said, but this was their first
real conversation.
I think this was Dave's first time under that Clinton Magic.
Oh, that stuff comes right thru the TV, Mrs. Bart says.
After Bill left, Dave looked at Paul and said, "How
dumb did I look?"
Hey, don't feel bad, Dave. Bush couldn't follow him, either.
The only one who understood everything he said was Hillary.
I think America was reminded tonight how good we used to have
it.
We can't help but compare the Master to the Crooked Buffoon.
Yeah, back when out votes counted, we elected the brightest minds.
Now...
....we have the dimmest son of a crooked former president.
..
Report: Reeve Regains Some Movement
Excerpt:
Christopher Reeve has regained some movement
and sensation in his hands and feet,
seven years after the horse-riding accident,
one of his doctors said Tuesday.
The "Superman" star also can breathe on
his own for about an hour at a time,
said Dr. John McDonald, a neurologist who
has been treating Reeve.
Thou Shalt Not Steal
Excerpt:
George and his friends are planning to
steal everything they have anyway.
They now have a choice, turn out their
pockets, or fight back.
Perhaps it is time to turn off the world’s
oil spigot."
The
Best Memorial: Genuine Freedom
by Joe Conason
Excerpt:
"Among the most vexing questions confronted this
year by New Yorkers and all Americans
is how best to honor the memory of our
dead. To build a concrete monument, while
surrendering Constitutional freedom and
democratic order, will do them no honor at all."
Quotes
"We've lost a great deal during the past year.
For one thing, the September 11 attacks
became a pretend president's pretext
to eviscerate the First Amendment and other basic rights.
Stifling even the slightest whimpers
of dissent may end up killing the two-party political system,
long crippled and ineffectual, once
and for all."
--Ted Rall,
9-11 scorecard, yahoo.com
The
United States of America is a Threat to World Peace
by Nelson Mandela
Excerpt:
Q: I gather you are particularly
concerned about Vice President Cheney?
A: Well, there is no doubt. He
opposed the decision to release me from prison (laughs).
The majority
of the U.S. Congress was in favor of my release, and he opposed it.
But it’s
not because of that. Quite clearly we are dealing with an arch-conservative
in Dick Cheney.
Poor
Vic the Racist
He was made to eat it again.
I counted 57
hours of prime time 9-11 TV coverage yesterday.
How nice that the networks can make a profit that way.
The only safety we could find was found in a DVD player, and boy, was it nice.
Click Here
to see what happened at BartCop Manor last night.
Guess who said it?
"I wish one of you guys has children,
so I could kick them in the head
or stomp on their testicles
so you could feel my pain."
Now - guess who said it?
A. Mike Tyson
B. George W. Bush
your guess with "A" or "B" in the header
(Do you have a "Guess who said it?"
quote to send in?
Send us your quotes, and who might've said them,
but they have to be sound-alikes, like Smirk & Tyson.)
Subject: You're wrong!
You always say, "There is no Heaven
or Hell, that's just superstitious nonsense
created by the churches to separate scared people from their
hard-earned money."
You're wrong, am I'm sure, because the Devil
has been raping my sore ass every day
since about noon on September 11th, 2001.
My sore ass hurts like hell, and I'm not joking.
The Devil whispers in my ear, "You're
my kind of guy, Muhammed," as he rapes me.
I am not at all happy with my current position
down here.
Muhammed Atta
..
My ass
hurts.
Hey, Mo!
How about some Louisiana Hot Sauce for your sore ass?
Quotes
"You can hardly point to a cataclysmic event
in our history, whether it was the sinking
of the Titanic, the Pearl Harbor attack,
the Kennedy assassination, when a blue-ribbon
panel did not set out to establish
the facts and, where appropriate, suggest reforms.
That has not happened here."
-- John F. Timoney, former
senior police commander in New York;
Well of course we can't investigate!
If we knew the truth, it would destroy the plans the B.F.E.E.
has to control us.
If America ever found out what Reagan and Bush did in the 80's
and what Bunnypants
has done since The Theft, they'd have to rename all those
schools and airports,
and the GOP's new candidate for sainthood would default back
to ...Gerald Ford..
Hitler, Saddam, bin Laden, Hezzbollah Noriega, the Ayatollah -
all of that must remain hidden
so we can scream "traitor" at Bill Clinton for nearly having
sexual relations with Monica
RE: The
real terrorists
by Gary Aldrich
(Note: They are, of course, Bill and Hillary Clinton.)
Click Here to read the ditto-monkey accusation
Excerpt from the rebuttal:
4. That Orin Hatch claimed during the debate
on the Terrorist Bill, "Terrorism is not an Issue in this Country."
5. That Trent Lott claimed during the debate
on the Terrorist Bill, "Terrorism is not an issue in this Country."
One thing?
If you've never read "How to get your
book published," it's one of the few
bits I'm proud of, from waaaaaay back in Volume
44 - Wanna Sell a Book?
Echo
of the Bullhorn
by Maureen Dowd - She hates everybody, this
time it's Dim Son
Excerpt:
As the East Coast grew more rattled, veering
between the sad, endless loop of
Al Qaeda's past depredations and the scary,
endless loop of Al Qaeda's future
machinations, Mr. Bush seemed calm, confident.
The first President Bush has told people
lately how impressed he is that his son
goes to bed every night without a worry
in his head.
Should the nation really take comfort in this fact?
Evening
dramas unhook viewers
by Gary Levin USA TODAY
Excerpt:
The days of Dallas and Dynasty,
two of the most popular 1980s dramas, are long gone.
With more viewing choices, fans can no
longer be counted on to obsess over who shot J.R.
or what evil plan has been hatched by Alexis.
A study by Initiative Media says fewer than
40% of today's drama viewers see even two
of three consecutive episodes.
Despite HBO's success with The Sopranos
(which returns Sunday) and Six Feet Under,
which have hooked viewers with soap-style
story lines, the major networks are mostly
steering clear of developing such shows.
Now I'm getting pissed off.
You guys are so damn sophisticated, you can't see the obvious.
What's the difference between The Sopranos and a serialized broadcast network show?
I'll tell you:
HBO doesn't screw their customers most of the time.
You idiots who run networks must hate your audience, the way you
treat them.
Jesus, if you ever find time to run a new episode, you're forced
to scream "All
New,"
or otherwise we'll just assume you're screwing us with another
out-of-sequence repeat.
In the last few years, has any broadcast network ever
run five new episodes in a row?
HBO does it all the damn time - they respect their audience.
People will postpone their wedding
or their vacation so as not to miss the next installment of The
Sopranos, but with broadcast TV,
you KNOW you're gonna get screwed by the network - it's a
guarantee.
There are 52 weeks in a year, and they shoot what, 20-22 episodes?
That's a sixty percent "screw you" rate, and people won't stand
for it.
And the lame, out of sequence reruns they give us? The ones where
they get married on
the seventh and then he proposes to her on the 14th? Hey,
screw you, broadcast networks!
If you guy can't figure out how to number your prints, just drive
off a cliff, OK?
The out of sequence reruns aren't even the worst of it.
The worst part is the "specials" they give us that we hate.
"Tonight's Law & Order won't
be seen because we're bringing you women's basketball, instead."
"Tonight's West Wing won't be
seen because we're bringing you "Miracle on Ice," with Tanya Harding.
"Tonight's ER won't be seen because
we're bringing you a tour of Kathy's Lee's kids' rooms."
"Tonight's Alias won't be seen
because we're bringing you a Julie Roberts movie, instead"
This is why nobody will invest their time in a serialized show
- because it'll be months between
"Will you marry me?" and
finding out what the damn answer was.
So stop blaming the internet, and stop blaming the attention span
of the viewer.
Treat us like we're paying your salary ...or ...we'll leave you
altogether.
By Koresh, someday someone will give me $10,000 a week
and I'll produce and deliver BartCop
TV, and it'll be new and different
and refreshing and we'll see how much a big, bloated network
is needed.
Subject: Thank You
Bartcop,
Koresh bless you, you are doing Koresh's
work.
It is going to be so hard to get through
[the 11th] watching the
worthless weenies whine and pump up the
SC blessed fraud.
Every time I see that asshole I see a bucket
of blood washing over him, the blood of people
who counted on him to protect them.
I am so ashamed and embarrassed for our country.
Thank you for being there. Thank you
for speaking out.
We are not a nation of worthless, whining,
idiots.
They are in power but the wheel is turning
and we will recover our soul.
Thank you for everything you do.
And thank you for getting me through the
next 24 hours.
Mick
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Woo Hoo!
The
American Press - 'Demented Caesarism'
by Mark Crispin Miller
author of The
Bush Dyslexicon
Excerpt:
As they repackage the catastrophe as tearful
patriotic super-spectacle, the journalists persist
in not reporting any aspect of the story
that might somehow spoil the solemn mood of awesome
ceremonial that both the White House and
the media's parent companies have planned for us.
And so George W. Bush will come and flex
his gravitas before the cameras, with certain
"heroes of 9/11" at his side - and most
of those Americans who watch won't even know,
or won't recall, that this same president,
abetted by Dick Cheney, has done everything he can
to thwart a full inquiry into how and why
that worst of crimes occurred.
Nor will they know that Bush just cut the
funding to monitor the health of
9/11's rescue workers, all of whom were
long and heavily exposed to many toxins.
Hi, I'm
John Fund.
I beat
women - got any?
Quotes
"When that many people are turned away from
the polls, it raises enough concerns
that we're going to have to take a
good, hard look at the legitimacy of the election."
-- Janet Reno's campaign manager
Mo Elleithee.
Jeb, what do you have against democracy?
What's wrong with the people having a say,
Jeb?
You afraid the blacks might vote against
the B.F.E.E.?
Subject: Your New York Trip
Dear Bartcop,
As a new devotee, I have only recently begun (began?)
to enjoy your rants and humor.
Today's page was especially good not only because
it focused on New York in a positive way
(well, so far--I've only read about 75% of the
first NY trip page; I guess it could go terribly wrong at any moment)
ha ha
Yes, a lot of my writing ends up that way :)
...but because I had a lot of the same experiences
when I went to NY. I'm from the purported hometown
of W (Midland, except I'm really from there
and I wasn't even born in the US) and I had never been anywhere
big in my life. For my honeymoon, I chose
to go to NY and, like you, I was totally unprepared for the amount
of legwork involved in "sightseeing." But
I loved the city and we did a lot of the same things you did.
The Guggenheim was even closed the day we went.
Anyway, thought I'd drop you a line...
Keep up the good work.
Deborah
Thanks for that.
An
Election Year Carnival Game
by Gene Lyons
Excerpt:
Republicans decided to solve the problem
by lying.
First, they changed the buzzword for the
same crackpot idea to "personal accounts."
Then they blamed the imaginary left-wing
media.
click
Click Here to see the BartFest Webcam. It's GREAT at night!
IMPORTANT!
Someone suggested the reason Californians are outnumbered
by people from the
East Coast is that they don't know how to get to Las Vegas,
so I thought I'd help out:
..
Directions:
Take I-15, then left at Flamingo
Click Here for the latest BartFest update.
Also, some people paid for their BartFest tickets by snail mail
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