Volume
1063 - G.I. George
Please visit our sponsors
Thursday-Friday
May 8-9, 2003
Quotes
"After Watching our president speak aboard
the USS Abraham Lincoln, I was wondering
if there has been any news to as when
Bush will officially christen the ship the USS Showboat?"
--Betsy Warner, Crossfire e-mail,
"...or the USS AWOL, since he didn't show up
for a good bit of his National Guard duty."
--Paul Begala
"Have
Begala shot - hell, have them both shot, and then tortured.
It's illegal to diss the flag."
Georgia
Governor Approves New Flag, Urges Calm
Isn't that the funniest headline?
Click
Here
Excerpt:
Backing away from a promise to allow voters
the chance to resurrect a flag linked to slavery and segregation,
Georgia Gov. Sonny Perdue on Thursday approved
a compromise banner for the southern state
The new flag's appearance prompted shouts
of 'Sellout' and 'Stalin' from a small group of white Republicans
who were disappointed that there isn't
more slavery in their state flag.
So, a bunch of Peach monkeys are suffering slavery withdrawal?
What year is this?
.
Quotes
"What bothers me is to have someone like Bennett
going around scolding everybody
about every other potential vice and
things that he doesn’t like but gambling is OK
because he likes to do it...go and
read his books about the moral outrage and the virtue
of self-discipline and all the
rest of it. It just-it looks silly now."
--Joe Conason,
giving Chris the Screamer fits Monday
Damn, I wish I'd known he was going to be
on...
Subject: Nancy Grace
Tunis sent this, a
link to the Nancy Grace bio on the Court TV site
Nancy Grace joined Courtroom Television
Network LLC from Atlanta's Fulton County
District Attorney's Office where she
served as Special Prosecutor of major felony cases
involving serial murder, serial rape,
serial child molestation and arson. Ms. Grace compiled
a perfect record of nearly 100 felony
convictions at trial and no losses.
Do you believe that? I damn sure don't.
Did she write this "biography" herself?
Nearly 100 trials without one loss?
She convinced 1200 people in a row that their defendant
was guilty beyond a reasonable doubt?
Not one person in 1200 had even the slightest doubt?
I say that's not possible, unless she was somehow cherry-picking
her cases.
Out of 1200 people, not one person thought a defendant might
be innocent?
Either someone is lying. or they have "funny justice" in Atlanta
Quotes
"...they’ve taken the intelligence on weapons
and expanded it beyond what was justified. It appeared that
they (the hawks) understood that to
get the American people on their side they needed to come up with
something more to say than ‘We’ve liberated
Iraq and got rid of a tyrant.’ So they had to find some ties
to WMD and were willing to allow a majority
of Americans to incorrectly conclude that the invasion of Iraq
had something to do with the World Trade
Center. Overemphasizing the national-security threat made it
more difficult to get the rest of the
world on our side. It was the weakest and most misleading argument
we could use.It appears that they have
the intelligence. The problem is, they didn’t like the conclusions.”
--Former
Senator Bob Kerrey, a Democrat who stabbed his president in the back
We broke the code!
My ne'er do well friend, whom I can often outwit,
showed me this killer shortcut that makes download time instant.
ha ha
This is as big a leap as inventing Star Trek's transporter.
It's a damn wormhole, that let's you hear long-ass MP3s instantly.
It's magic!
This way, you Mac users can hear the early, primitive, practice
shows, too.
Maybe I can have the next batch of phone calls ready for the weekend
edition.
Woo Hoo!
Instant streaming has come to bartcop.com
Dear friend,
On June 2, the Federal Communications Commission
is planning on authorizing sweeping changes
to the American news media. The rules change
could allow your local TV stations, newspaper,
radio stations, and cable provider to all
be owned by one company. NBC, ABC, CBS and Fox
could have the same corporate parent. The
resulting concentration of ownership could be deeply
destructive to our democracy. Congress
is supposed to guard against monopoly power.
But the upcoming rule change could change
the landscape for all media and usher in an era in which
a few corporations control your access
to news and entertainment. Please join me in asking Congress
and the FCC to support a diverse, competitive
media landscape by going to: http://www.moveon.org/stopthefcc/
You can also automatically have your comments
publicly filed at the FCC. When the folks at MoveOn.org
talk to Congresspeople about this issue,
the response is usually the same: "We only hear from media lobbyists
on this. It seems like my constituents
aren't very concerned with this issue." A few thousand emails could
permanently change that perception. Please
join this critical campaign, and let Congress know you care.
Thanks.
Patriotic
Crap Sale
If you don't own this stuff, you're probably a terrorist
Click
Here
Excerpt:
Tampax™
Tampons of Glory
Let freedom flow with these specially-designed
American Flag tampons.
They're great for those times where protection
is a must: baking apple pies,
leading church activities, or walking down
the beach at sunset with your
daughter having one of "those talks".
It's the most all-American thing any
woman could ever use...period! - $49.95
(box of 12)
Political
Parties: Can You Hear Me Now?
by my good friend Johnny Angel
Click
Here
Excerpt:
It was somewhat like a Roosevelt “fireside
chat,” except that in the old days, one didn’t have
to sit on hold through wretched Muzak.
When JFK2 eventually came on, the entire kitchen hung
on the senator’s words carefully. As well
they had to — unlike George W. Bush, Kerry spoke in
unhalting, precise terms on virtually every
major issue without a single pause. It was impressive,
aimed-at-the-base stuff — no anti-choice
judicial appointments, strong statements about renewable
fuels nor even the Reaganesque “are you
better off today than you were [insert the applicable duration]?”
Quotes
"The President has asked me if I would serve
again as his running mate.
I've agreed to do that. If the
President is willing and if my wife approves,
and if the doctors say it's okay,
then I'd be happy to serve a second term." -
- Dick Cheney
confirming that the long term forecast calls for five more years
of the raping and pillaging of the US Treasury
I find it amusing that US national security
adviser Condoleezza Rice disparaged France for taking
NATO "hostage" over Iraq and for threatening
smaller countries with reprisals if they backed
Washington's war to oust Saddam Hussein.
What guile! Especially after America took
the United Nations "hostage" and has openly threatened
reprisals against France and Germany for
not backing Washington's war.
It seems that there's a pattern to confuse
people about the truth here. The idea is to accuse the other side
of what you just did so that people are
confused as to who did what. The Bush administration should write
a book about advanced techniques in lying
and dishonesty.
Meanwhile, I'm jealous of the Iraqis.
I wish someone would liberate the United
States of America from its unelected dictator.
Marc Perkel
Please visit our sponsors
Chris
the Screamer vs. Max Black
In this contest, bet on Black
Click Here
Excerpt:
And a moment later, when Olbermann tried
to return to the idea of this event as a staged, meaningless
PR rally, you became nothing less than
a cheerleader for the Bush Administration: "We’re proud of our
president. Americans love having a guy
as president, a guy who has a little swagger, who’s physical,
who’s not a complicated guy like Clinton
or even like Dukakis or Mondale, all those guys, McGovern.
They want a guy who’s president. Women
like a guy who’s president. Check it out. The women like
this war."
My Christ, Chris, this could have been written
word for word by Karl Rove or Karen Hughes. Was it?
Are you accepting money from the Bush administration
to shill for him on MSNBC? If you aren't, you should be.
What a bunch of testosterone-soaked drivel
-- and like your boss's, the testosterone is fake. Let me also point
out
that unlike GW the Coward, George McGovern,
a classic "limp-wristed liberal," is a legitimate Air Force hero,
flying mission after mission during WWII.
McGovern is a real hero. George W. Bush is a real coward.
A real deserter. A real traitor.
Subject: Your radio show
I'm flattered. Being called a "monkey"
on Bartcop is a rare honor!
I feel like a patriot today.
...as well you should
Don't get your hopes up too high on a liberal
radio show.
Mario Cuomo (the "Sfacime") and Lynn Samuels
both failed in the New York market.
If a liberal radio show can't make it in
New York City, where would it go?
To the "red states"? Lotsa luck,
pal!
I never heard either of those shows, so I can't say.
But I'll bet neither had a tequila treehouse, am I right?
I've said for years that liberals bore me to death.
Who wants to hear about civil rights for blacks and gays and helping
the poor when Rush is screaming
"Murderer!"at Hillary, or
calling Chelsea "the White House dog?"
That's entertainment, and we'll
be using Rush's tactics against him every show. I think
it's going to be a lot of fun.
Somehow, I think the market for left-wing
drivel has gotten pretty thin, but we'll see.
What markets will you be polluting?
Vince
My pollution will be worldwide, thank you. I want our friends
in France to hear what the mafority of
American think about that illegal thug who stole his way into
power with the help of his daddy's crooked friends.
We have readers in Hong Kong, Australia, China and I even got
some streaming tech advice yesterday from
such far away places as and India. None of that "broadcasting
in a small town stuff" going on here.
Better get your subscription while it's cheap, Vince.
Marty's
E! page
A 'Disinfotainment Today' bonus
Eminem & Weird Al
A tribute to Lonnie Donegan
Rosie O'Donnell lost her yellow
Yao Ming is hosting a telethon for SARS this weekend
A gown made of Godiva chocolate
Paula Zahn, Faux & a lawsuit
Gerard Depardieu crashed another motorcycle
And, need a face mask, use a bra
click
Quotes
"I know Sen. Robert Byrd is an institution.
But right about now, I think he should be put in one
-- as much for his hypocrisy as his
gall. The West Virginia senator has the right to criticize
anyone he wants. If he thinks the president
was grandstanding with that speech to the troops
and the nation onboard the USS Abraham
Lincoln, that's his right. But here's what isn't:
Not saying boo when Bill Clinton did
the same thing on Bosnia.
-- Neil Cavuto, one
of those FOX Nazis
Hey butthole, stop lying!
Byrd didn't criticize Bush "for talking
to the troops."
Why are you lying about that?
Are you lying because the truth isn't at
all outrageous?
Byrd criticized that overgrown child for
playing pilot just to get film for his 2004 campaign.
The selfish bastard caused those men to
get home late, and he lied his ass off about the reasons.
"I had to fly because the big boat was
weaaaaay out to sea."
Liar!
And Clinton did NOT dress up like a retarded
pilot to impress the Chris the Screamers back home.
What the fuck is wrong with you that you'd
make up a lie that big and obvious?
We're going to make room for you on the
BartCop Radio show, Neil.
Maybe Senator Byrd can think of a better,
more somber forum to talk to our troops.
But I think the deck of an aircraft
carrier loaded with men and women who've been on assignment
longer than any other is a pretty good
one. I didn't mind it and I don't think those very grateful
sailors did either. Anyone is free to
criticize anyone else in this country. But be careful."
--Neil Cavuto
We will not be careful when we criticize the unelected fraud.
Those men were ordered to cheer the Fraud, but they might have,
anyway.
When was the last time (or has he ever?) Bush gave a speech before
people that weren't hand-picked by the White House?
Music
Update
Saturday, May 10th at Steamboat in Austin
..
A Democrat fights
back
Fiction,
by Mike Palecek
Joe Coffee tells his wife that he’s thinking
about running for Congress.
"Coffee Joe" speaks out against prisons and the
military and no one takes him seriously - at first.
Soon, terrified establishment politicians
try to stop him.
In an era of war and a dying economy, Joe
Coffee’s Revolution
provides a refreshing alternative perspective.
Click
Here to order your copy today.
[Palecek is a former federal prisoner, reporter,
and current bartcop.com reader.]
Also by Mike Palecek: Click
Here
Happy
Birthday to Faun Otter
He's very old.
Bill
Bennett
8:5 says he gets away with it
Click
Here
Excerpt:
It’s worth noting that for all his morality,
kids’ academic performance during his tenure as Secretary
of Education did not improve, and drug
use in America did not drop while he was drug czar. But he
used both to throw his dismal wet blanket
of trite sermons at us non-stop. The Christian right lapped it up.
But the man remained a pretentious prig
who didn’t mind taking Nixonian cheap shots and dressing them up
in holier-than-thou prose. For example,
after the Wellstone funeral, he wrote “A Party of Corruption? The
Democrats bring the sacred low.”
After several minutes of explaining how he was morally superior because
he didn’t become a Republican until 1986
because of Nixon, he went on to condemn the whole party as
“extreme and shameless.” Why? Because
he felt the memorial service for Wellstone was too much like a
political rally. Apparently when
supporters are memorializing a man who lived, breathed and died for politics,
they shouldn’t talk about his politics.
I had my beard trimmed by a professional.
They say I look like Tim's assistant on Tool Time.
Reminder:
bartcop.com hits are up 300 percent from a year
ago
and bartcop.com advertising rates have been
cut in half.
What a country!
Not only that, but radio ads start at $11
for
30-second, $21
for
a minute.
Great packages available, too, but only for a limited time.
Announcement coming soon.
Observation:
Last week, we offered free, absoluetly free radio commercials
to anyone that
had ever advertised anything, even years ago, on bartcop.com
Not one person wrote to take advantage
of the free publicity for their business.
I mean, after spending $80 to have their product/company advertised,
why would
anyone turn down absolutely free publicity on the sure-to-be-heard
by dozens
BartCop Radio - and then the reason hit me.
It required clicking on a link.
We Democrats are often stumped by complex proceedures
We haven't quite figured that one out yet.
I will attempt to make things simpler in the future.
Bart,
I'm still loving the tequila, Chinaco is
hard to find in Michigan.
I've learned to check out liquor stors
in Republican areas...
They don't know about God's Nectar because
they don't read your site!
Besides, they don't deserve to drink it.
Keep hammering,
Pam
Paid for by a bartcop.com reader
Tiger decides
not to fire caddie Williams
Mr Perfect blames caddie for BartCop Hex
Click
Here
Excerpt:
Tiger Woods blamed his caddie for persuading
him to use a driver on the
third hole of the final round of the Masters,
where a double bogey derailed
his chances of winning.
That doesn't mean Steve Williams is out
of a job.
"Contrary to some reports, Stevie and I are getting
along fine,'' said Mr Perfect.
No, Tiger never had a chance of winning the Masters.
He's got the BartCop Hex on his back and it's not leaving.
I was once a decent golfer.
Let's get this 
out
of the way.
Click Here
to read today's
I know you can do it.
I think we'll announce our new Stock chief Monday at the latest.
Update:
I've made a decision - and it's a big one.
Remember Issue 386 from Jan 19, 2001?
Somewhere in the back issues I told the story of the Classic Star
Trek episode where Spock led an away team
in a tiny shuttle to a planet inhabited by giant cavemen Republicans.
To survive, they had to launch away from
the planet, even tho they were very low on fuel. Once they
achieved almost-orbit, they tried to reach the Enterprize
but they were too far away to reach them with an audio sub-space
whatever the scriptwriters settled on.
As they started to descend back into hell, Spock suddenly jettisoned
all their fuel and set it afire at the same time.
At first, they thought Spock had lost his mind, but then they
realized that he was using all available resources to
accomplish his mission. Spock spent every asset they had on a
long shot that apparently didn't work. They resigned
themselves to knowing death was coming, but they were grateful
that Spock's gamble had given them their best shot.
That's what we did on Jan 19, 2001, and that's what we're gambling
with again today. We sent Salon.com every bit
of cash we had in an attempt to break into the big leagues.
They repaid us by having their writer Jennifer Liberto
stab us in the back - six times. I dislike
traitors more than I dislike Republicans.
My
name's Jennifer Liberto and I'll do anything for a story,
But even with Salon.com stabbing us in the back, for no
damn reason, we survived.
But now it's time for Gamble II.
I'm not happy with the delay of the premier of 
and neither are you.
So we are preparing to expel all our fuel and light it, in an
attempt to attract attention. We have hired
to circumnavigate the dozens of technical obstacles. That should
solve half our troubles.
And we are using some Southwest Airlines frequent flyers miles
to
fly in to Tulsa the very capable Tommy Mack,
all the way from his recording studio in Los Angeles. He's going
to turn the right knobs and switches to make the
show sound good. Notice how hollow and tinny my voice sounds
on those radio calls? Tommy Mack can make
those problems go away. He lands Wednesday, so it would be nice
to debut our first webcast in 10 days.
This whole
thing is
going to work.
The delay is my fault - I tried to nickle-and-dime the Tequila
Treehouse Radio Show onto the internet,
and maybe it could still work doing it that way, but I can't
wait till f-ing Christmas to start webcasting.
This needs to happen right now because I can't afford
any more delays.
It's hard for me to guarantee anything, because all I have is
a smart mouth and the truth. I'm having to
depend on other people to make things happen, and they're trying,
but nobody is as motivated as me.
But... I feel certain that we will have before
the end of this month.
If there's a God, (qualifier) we could be webcasting in ten days.
Clinton voice - "I've never worked harder
on anything in my whole life.
I'm focused like a laser beam to make
happen."
...and it's not to early to get in for the bargain price of $5,
because once we sign the contracts,
the lowest tier may have to go to $6.50
to accomodate my silent and non-voting "partners."
Is
worth $10
a month?
...and don't forget Mother's Day.
Mome needs a subscription to
...or. ...maybe don't you love your mother?
Click
Here to get in on the fun.
PayPal now accepts credit cards
And remember, we have conquered the time
barrier. I ran a test last night, during the tornados*
and Wednesday's phone rants started playing
one second after I clicked on it. I will work on the
latest batch of phone calls and get them
up as soon as possible.
Call 918-493-1500
- you have two minutes to rant away.
Did anything make you mad today?
Tell
us about it! 918-493-1500
Fake president,
thinks he's Tom Cruise in Cocktail
You
MP3 rangers out there?
Thanks for the TONS of soundclips. My hard drive is filing
up.
I'm sure we have 2-3 hundred MP3s, and 40-50 CDRs that I haven't
been heard yet.
So, for right now, we're doing OK on the bumper music, but can
I ask another favor?
I don't know what they're called, (I'm not yet a rookie) but I
need some transition snippets, the ones that say,
"Bart will be right back to open another can
of whoop ass of some helpless ditto-monkey," or
"He has a hammer and he's not afraid to use
it - Bart will be back after this," or
"I pity the fool who brings up 'Somalia' when
Bart's in the house," ...stuff like that.
I got a great one from Mike Parker, but we're going to be doing
a lot of shows
and even great clips will get old quick, so I need fresh voices
and fresh smart-ass-isms.
Send your batches of snappy whatever-those-are-called to
Can you help an old altar boy out?
I can't do this radio show without lots of help.
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Use this portal and they'll
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