....................
- Joan has that kinky aura because she wouldn't deny those orgy pics.
That stuff'll stick in a man's head.
ACTRESS -- LEADING
This award always goes to the women the men most want to (have sex with.)
This award is a big joke in Hollywood and that's no secret.
Joan Allen - THE CONTENDER
....................
- Joan has that kinky aura because she wouldn't deny those orgy pics.
That stuff'll stick in a man's head.
Juliette Binoche - CHOCOLAT
....................
- didn't see it. She's kinda cute, tho - I hear there was some sex in that
film.
Ellen Burstyn - REQUIEM FOR A DREAM
....................
- I've liked Ellen since, "I've
already been to every goddamn doctor and hospital on the East Coast.
They send me to you and you're sending me back to them? It's my little
girl, Father. Help me!"
But if she wins this, it means the Hollywood gay community has taken completely
over.
Laura Linney - YOU CAN COUNT ON ME
....................
- probably the babe of the bunch, maybe not
by this photograph, tho.
This stupid oscar.com website
count find a picture of her, I hadda surf for one.
That's disrepect.
Did you know she only got
$10,000 for doing this role,
while Julia Roberts's breasts got $10,000,000 each?
There's something reeeeeeealy wrong, here...
Julia Roberts - ERIN BROCKOVICH
....................
- Can't act, isn't pretty, maybe it's just her turn because she puts asses
in seats.
But if that's the criteria, why doesn't Martin Short have a mantle full
of Oscars?
Oh, that's right - nobody's ever been to a Martin Short movie.
They seem determined to let her have it. Besides, she has great politics.
"Smirk will never be my president."
Either way, all cameras are on her all night because if she doesn't get
it, that'll be the big
headline in tomorrow's USA TODAY - 'Julia's
Oscar Snatched.'
Watching the pre-game show on E!, I see Lance Bass from that young boy
group.
What the hell's he doing at the Oscars?
I don't have the wrong date, do I?
ACTOR -- LEADING
Javier Bardem - BEFORE NIGHT FALLS
- didn't see it. I hear he's a dublooner.
Russell Crowe - GLADIATOR
- Russell can't act any better than Mel Gibson.
There's an interesting twist here. Knowing that the men just pick the woman
they want
to hammer for Best Actress, the women got together this year and went with
Crowe.
Girls, just cause he wears a skirt, don't think we're interested in a three-way.
Tom Hanks - CAST AWAY
- didn't see it. Wouldn't mind seeing it, but I've spent an hour with a
soccer ball before
and if I have to do it again I don't want to pay for it. I'll see it on
cable.
Ed Harris - POLLOCK
- Ed Harris, a man's man. A real actor. He's as good as Gary
Sinise.
Harris got my vote, but I have a feeling Skirtboy pulls it out, ...so to
speak.
Geoffrey Rush - QUILLS
- don't like this guy, never did. All he does is frilly-shirt movies and
piano movies.
and I won't see a frilly-shirt movie or a piano movie even if Mrs. BartCop
wants to go.
ACTOR -- SUPPORTING
Jeff Bridges - THE CONTENDER
- that wasn't acting. That was trying to fool the cook.
Sure, he'd be better than President Smirk (so would I) but who buys President
Bridges?
Willem Dafoe - SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE
- Dafoe is a great actor, but again with those frilly shirts and
period pieces.
If this was a good movie, why didn't I see it?
Benicio Del Toro - TRAFFIC
- great actor, another man's man, but a woefully awful film.
Early in the movie, I knew Del Toro would be a breakout star.
Michael Douglas was crazy to hire this good of an actor.
Albert Finney - ERIN BROCKOVICH
- rumor is Finney can act, but you couldn't tell from this dog of a movie.
This is a sympathy nomination, but he could damn well win it.
Joaquin Phoenix - GLADIATOR
- well, he out-acted Russell Crowe.
I'm sorry, ...that was mean.
ACTRESS -- SUPPORTING
This award always goes to the women the men most want to (have sex with.)
This award is a big joke in Hollywood and that's no secret.
Judi Dench - CHOCOLAT
....................
- whenever I need a patriarch in my movie, I go with Lady Dench,
but not tonight.
I'm sure Judy turned some heads in WWII, but this is serious.
Marcia Gay Harden - POLLOCK
....................
- I'd like to thank the Academy for the great headshot for the Internet
- not.
She's kinda cute, but my glasses need cleaning. This is not respect.
Kate Hudson - ALMOST FAMOUS
....................
- Oh, God.
If a Magic Genie appeared and gave me three wishes?
I would use two of them to help mankind.
This is the real lock of the night, even more than Julia Roberts.
I'm really old and I've seen them come & go, and I'm here to tell you
that
nobody has ever melted their way into Oscar's heart faster than Kate Hudson.
She breaks all the rules about "great looking women can't act."
Did you see her last night on the SNL repeat?
Ahe moved from role to role smooother than Santana's slide work.
She owns this two-bit town and you'd better not forget it.
Frances McDormand - ALMOST FAMOUS
....................
Hey, hey, hey - she's Billy's mother, for God's sake.
Show a little respect.
Julie Walters - BILLY ELLIOT
....................
- I don't think so.
ART DIRECTION
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
DR. SEUSS' HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
GLADIATOR
QUILLS
VATEL
- don't care, let the Craggy Dragon have it. This could be a tough night for them.
CINEMATOGRAPHY
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
GLADIATOR
MALÈNA
O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?
THE PATRIOT
- I especially disliked the cinematography in Gladiator.
Those tigers weren't on the same continent as Skirtboy and everybody knew
it.
The special effects were better on Superman and that was 23 years
ago.
Let's give this one to Clooney's film, Oh, Brother.
COSTUME DESIGN
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
DR. SEUSS' HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
GLADIATOR
102 DALMATIANS
QUILLS
- I always liked Ron Howard, lets let Grinch have one, since they're shut out.
DIRECTING
BILLY ELLIOT - didn't see it.
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON - didn't see
it.
ERIN BROCKOVICH - hated it.
GLADIATOR - wasn't that good.
TRAFFIC - this movie was a mess.
- Let's give this one to Jim Baker.
DOCUMENTARY FEATURE
INTO THE ARMS OF STRANGERS:
STORIES OF THE KINDERTRANSPORT LEGACY
LONG NIGHT'S JOURNEY INTO DAY
SCOTTSBORO: AN AMERICAN TRAGEDY
SOUND AND FURY
ha ha
Were these films released in this country?
DOCUMENTARY SHORT
BIG MAMA
CURTAIN CALL
DOLPHINS
THE MAN ON LINCOLN'S NOSE
ON TIPTOE: GENTLE STEPS TO FREEDOM
ha ha
- Is Dolphins the Elian Gonzales Story?
ha ha
Peggy Noonan said "God sent the dolphins to escort Elian to the GOP."
She's crazy.
FILM EDITING
ALMOST FAMOUS
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
GLADIATOR
TRAFFIC
WONDER BOYS
Let's give this one to the family of the guy who edited Traffic.
I understand he had a breakdown cutting the final film.
It's so sad, his story could win "Best Doc" next year.
FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
- nobody cares.
MAKEUP
THE CELL
DR. SEUSS' HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
SHADOW OF THE VAMPIRE
- Who had the tougher job?
The guy who put Jim Carrey's face on every day?
Or the guy who had to fit Jennifer Lopez's ass on the big screen?
The Oscar goes to The Cell.
MUSIC (SCORE)
CHOCOLAT
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
GLADIATOR
MALÈNA
THE PATRIOT
- Let's give this one to right-wing Mel Gibson's The Patriot,
since we know Mel had nothing to do with the music.
MUSIC (SONG)
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
DANCER IN THE DARK
THE EMPEROR'S NEW GROOVE
MEET THE PARENTS
WONDER BOYS
- nothing memorable here - (yawn)
BEST PICTURE
CHOCOLAT
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
ERIN BROCKOVICH
GLADIATOR
TRAFFIC
- Well, Traffic was a bigger mess than Impeachment.
They must've writen and edited this car wreck while high on crack.
And who taught this kids to smoke crack, anyway? Geez, they spread their
precious
crack out so wide on the foil, it looked like Leon offering Opie a sandwich.
- Gladiator was OK, but Steve Reeves did it better 40 years
ago.
.....................
- Erin Brockovich was at least an hour too long, and it was
fucking ponderous the way
Soderberg showed her going to the doors of 600 plaintifs to get signatures.
For almost a year, I heard how great this film was, so we rented it yesterday
and
Erin turned out to be filmdom's most ungrateful, potty-mouthed ingrate.
Besides, ever see a film called The Verdict with Paul Newman?
That's how you end a movie about suing Golaith.
It was the same story, but Paul Newman went after the evil Catholics
in that one.
If you want to see how a court movie is done, see The Verdict.
- We can't give it to Snapping Dragon or Jackie Chan might win next year, so...
I'm going with Chocolat for best film, since I didn't see it.
SHORT -- ANIMATED
SHORT -- LIVE ACTION
- the machine has yet to be invented that could measure my indifference
SOUND
CAST AWAY - the soccer ball never said a word.
GLADIATOR - the Japanese tigers growled at
different times than they moved their lips.
THE PATRIOT - this nomination is scandalous,
Gibson lifted ricochet sounds from "Bonnie & Clyde"
so he could save a few dollars and contribute to Smirky's campaign.
THE PERFECT STORM - you gotta love a movie
where everyone dies at the end.
U-571- let's give this one to the men of the
571. Their ears were bleeding from the depth charges,
so they've never had a chance to hear their own film. Some gave all.
VISUAL EFFECTS
GLADIATOR - no.
HOLLOW MAN - was worse than BartCop Volume
100, but the effects were screaming magic!
THE PERFECT STORM - great effects, but Oscar
goes to Hollow Man.
WRITING (ADAPTED)
CHOCOLAT
CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON
O BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU?
TRAFFIC
WONDER BOYS
- let's let Chocolat have this one, but I guarantee The South's Finest Chocolate is better.
WRITING (ORIGINAL)
ALMOST FAMOUS
BILLY ELLIOT
ERIN BROCKOVICH
GLADIATOR
YOU CAN COUNT ON ME
- let's give this one to Cameron Crowe for Almost Famous. Anyone
fifteen year-old kid
who can go on the road with Zeppelin and come away with his sanity deserves
a reward.
Don't forget to set your VCRs for 