The last few issues of RL-LNW have been quick-releases,
due to the rapidly-changing political scene.
Nobody wants to read week-old political humor, right?
I've also had to release staff members, spell-checkers
and editors for suspected pot use in the 70's.
Craig, I owe you.
This GOP Convention is really confusing!
They opened with the National Anthem.
So far so good.
But the first item to come to a floor vote
was the proposal to repeal of the Bill of Rights!
And it passed!
Don't forget: The faxes were humming long before Dole
made his announcement, telling the GOP faithful that
no matter WHO Dole picks, CLAIM he's the perfect guy.
With Kemp, it wasn't too bad - but can you imagine
everyone saying "Engler is JUST what we needed," or
"There's no better man in America than Voinovich."
In Oklahoma, Sen. Don Nickles (R-Bonehead) really took the VP snub hard.
He's been whining for days saying, "They said I was the VP for sure!"
Hey, Don.
They tell EVERYONE they're on the short list.
Stop whining.
It's called politics.
Look into it.
(In 1985 in OKC,
Reagan introduced Senator Don Nickles as "my good friend, Don
Rickles.")
Is Jack Kemp an extremist?
Maybe so.
He gets along with blacks,
he doesn't hate the poor,
he doesn't hate immigrants,
he doesn't hate gays,
he doesn't hate Hispanics etc etc.
If he's not an extremist, it's fair to say
he doesn't represent rank-and-file Republicans.
Ralph: Would you like to speak at my convention?
Wilson: Can I speak my mind?
Ralph: NEXT!
Ralph: Would you like to speak at my convention?
Pataki: Will I be shackled?
Ralph: NEXT!
Ralph: Would you like to speak at my convention?
Weld: Can I tell the truth?
Ralph: NEXT!
Ralph: Would you like to speak at my convention?
Whitman: Do I have to sell out my gender?
Ralph: NEXT!
Ralph: Would you like to speak at my convention?
Molinari: I'll do anything Ralph, anything at all.
Ralph: Knock it off. I'm gay.
NEXT!
Ralph: Would you like to speak at my convention?
Powell: Yes.
At the Convention...
Former President Butch said "Dole is a Man of Dooty!"
I think that's very small of George Butch.
Granted, he and Dole were never close,
but tonite was a night of reconciliation.
But noooooooo. Butch had to get even.
As you know, Butch and Dole were enemies!
Butch coined the phrase "Senator Straddle!"
Butch told so many lies, Dole had to say...
"Stop Lying About My Record!!!"
It seems like Dole had a problem with Nixon, too.
Dole stuck with Nixon during Watergate, no matter
how many crimes Nixon committed that week.
..and he got burned for it.
Dole has a problem with Kemp, as the quotes
from this issue clearly demonstrate.
Dole has a problem with Reagan, voting against the
gargantuan deficits that tarnished his rein.
Dole obviously has a problem with Pat Buchanan.
Does Bob Dole get along with anybody?
Besides Ralph Reed?
The Convention was supposed to start at 8PM Eastern.
Nancy's astrologers said to wait until 8:40.
Great Dole Quotes
"We're going to get so many first downs,
in November, we're going to hit a Grand Slam."
Wait!
Powell's allowed to mention women's rights,
but Gov. Wilson
and Gov. Weld
and Gov. Whitman
and Gov. Pataki aren't allowed to mention them?
Hello?
Is this the new GOP reverse affirmative action?
Blacks can speak the truth, but whites need not apply?
Is Jack Kemp wrestling power from Ralph Reed?
Is Ralph Reed bi-sexual or gay?
And when did the truth become a black-only option?
Great GOP Quotes
"When Republicans run on issues, they win because
the
American people agree with us on most issues."
-Haley Barbour
Haley, if that's true,
why don't you run on the issues every time?
Trent Lott Loses Mind!
Monday's USA Today - page 3A
Reporter: Senator Lott, why won't the GOP allow any
words from Gov. Wilson or Gov. Pataki?
Lott: "We can't let people just wander in off the
street
and say anything they want."
Can this be???
"People off the street?"
Wilson and Pataki are "people off the street?"
The "big tent" has no room for the Republican Governor
of California or the Republican Governor of New York?
Hey, Trent.
If the most powerful, whitest, richest men of the GOP
have no voice, where do the poor, the blacks and women fit?
In the parking lot with Buchanan?
Three hours into it, and still no mention of Dole having
to shave the family dog back in Kansas to sell the fur.
Wherever he is, John McCain is pissed!
Trouble: Powell said "A woman has a right to choose."
Ralph Reed went to a lot of trouble to script this,
and here's that uppity Powell changing the script.
RL-LNW wants to believe that when Reed phoned Vito "No Thumbs" Gambino,
he was ordering Italian food for his diciples.
From John McCain:
"Bob Dole doesn't offer promises.
He offers straddles!"
I'll vote for McCain,
if I ever live in Arizona.
Best line of the night, so far.
President Ford: "When I was elected, I
said I was a Ford, NOT a Lincoln.
Today, we have neither a Lincoln or Ford in our White House.
We have a Convertible Dodge."
RL-LNW wishes we could write that well.
Every Republican near a mic is screaming
"Hope, Growth and Opportunity."
Sounds Forbish.
Do you want to know why is sounds Forbish?
The reason is sounds Forbish,
is because STEVE FORBES SAID IT, that's why!!
Did anyone see Steve Forbes's face tonight?
Did anyone even hear the name "Forbes?"
If the GOP steals a Steve Forbes slogan,
shouldn't he be thrown a bone?
Can't Believe It Quotes
"The Republican Party is SO tolerant, we don't need the word
'tolerant' in the platform, so we took it out."
-some GOP bonehead
..Like, I'm watching the convention, you know...
and ..like... there's Betty Ford, the drug lady...
...and she's, like, you know... claiming she was
married to ...ummm...an American President once,
....you know....like... can you lie on TV?
I thought if you, like,... saw it on the tube,
it had to be real, ....like...by law?
(from the Oklahoma 4-H club)
Fun GOP Quotes
"The Foreign Minister of Iran has a better chance
of being Dole's VP than I do."
-Jack Kemp, just 8 days ago.
This just in....
Dole cabanaboy Vin Weber, says "a few idiots"
gave Powell a "crude reception."
How could there be any "crude idiots" in the Republican Party?
ha ha
Amid all the good convention news, the GOP
was shaken by the news from Wyoming.
A federal judge has ruled that commercial mining
cannot take place in Yellowstone Park.
The news sent shockwaves throughout the Party.
Despite the setback, Republicans vowed to make the best of their week.
NO FAIR!
Powell is congratulating Reagan and Butch on their war victories.
Clinton avoided wars on Haiti, Bosnia, South Africa,
Northern Ireland, Korea (a BIG one) and America.
Clinton has to run on peace!
It's not fair.
Whooooa.... Back the tape up!
I just saw a black man at the convention.
A pregnant woman was spotted at the convention.
She held a sign that said "DOLE's THE ONE!"
True GOP Quotes
"Bob Dole is devoid of any vision."
-Jack Kemp
"Kemp wants a business deduction for hair spray!"
-Bob Dole
"When Dole talks about the future - watch your
wallet!"
-Jack
Kemp
"Dole never met a tax he didn't like."
-Jack Kemp
"Stop lying about my record!"
-Bob
Dole
"The Dole Library burned down, destroying both
books,
...even the one Bob hadn't finished coloring."
-Jack
Kemp
"Bob Dole offers leadership, alright. Leadership
backwards!"
-Jack
Kemp
Rush says there are "minute" differences between them.
Don't believe his lying ass.
RL-LNW magazine would like to congratulate Bob Dole.
According to the polls, choosing Kemp means that
Dole will only lose by single digits in November.
Good going, Bob.
Reporter: Senator Dole, most voters see your new
economic position as a flip-flop. True?
Dole: My new position is NOT a flip-flop.
It's a straddle.
In Dan Quayle's book "Standing Firme," he wrote:
"Many people questioned Kemp's loyalty. There were times when
President Butch would've been justified in letting him go."
Quayle called Kemp and said:
"You don't need a bunch of people telling you what to do."
You're right, Dan.
Kemp doesn't.
Quayle closed the interview by saying
"I have a lot of options in my future."
RL-LNW has noticed the Rotund Fuhrer,
the Methane Factory,
the Giver of Shade,
the Pied Piper of Pomposity,
El Grande Puerca,
the Man Who Made Constipation passe'
...was not seen or mentioned tonight.
Did they learn their lesson of 1992?
ha ha
Reports say Clinton was "shocked" to learn
Kemp was going to be Dole's running mate.
Don't feel bad, Mr. President.
Dole fainted when Ralph Reed told him.
The Callers to C-Span afterwards....
"Buchanan is a dirty sellout!"
Jesus, how far right are you when Pat Buchanan
is seen as a sellout to the status quo?
Colin Powell spoke to the GOP in terms of "we."
Why doesn't Powell get it?
He's welcome like Sammy was in the Rat Pack.
"If the nigger puts asses in chairs, OK.
If not, we put his other eye out.*"
*Frank Sinatra's Biography
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