Email the Author: Bartcop
Roger Ailes held a press conference Saturday to announce
Rush Limba's "triumphant return" to national television.
The new show, premiering January 22, 1997,
will be called "The Ron Brown Funeral Show."
Yep, you guessed it.
It will feature repeated, endless footage of Bill Clinton
faking emotion at the funeral of his best friend.
As on Rush's previous show, Ailes said the footage will
be shown in slow-motion, upside down, backwards,
in negative format, frame-by-frame and other inventive ways.
When questioned if a show that repeatedly replays video
that's considered in extremely poor-taste by a majority
of American's could be a hit, Ailes replied
"Of COURSE it will!! McVeigh-Republicans eat this shit up!!"
>From the Illinois State Police
Mary Terfine, the bank teller who was robbed
gave this description of her ordeal:
She said she was preparing to close her drawer
when she looked up and saw a familiar, scowling face.
"Bob Dole says don't be nervous.
Bob Dole has a gun.
Bob Dole says put all the money in the bag.
Bob Dole says hit the alarm and Bob Dole will shoot.
Bob Dole says do it NOW!" the teller said.
The big shocker was when he left. He said:
"Bob Dole says Don't Forget to Vote!"
Ms. Terfine was distraught afterwards.
"I was planning to vote for Dole,
but now I'm not so sure."
Where was Rush in 1984?
We sure could've used him then.
We couldn't get near the White House until Rush.
We could've used him in 1988, too.
But nooooooooooooo.
The good news?
Rush will be on the air when Gore runs in 2000,
and he'll still be there in 2004,
for the four-peat.
"Happy Days are here again...."
MAILBAG
We're not getting any hate mail.
Repeat - We're not getting any hate mail.
If anyone disagrees,
could you please send us some nasty letters?
Am I being too fair? Am I too middle-of-the-road?
If we don't get some hate mail soon, we're going to print
some of the glowing, praising "you're the best" letters
and make everybody sick, so get to it, and hurry.
It looks like Dole might carry some redneck states,
..Mississippi, So Carolina...
and the militia states... Idaho, Wyoming, maybe Arizona.
What does that say about the future of the Republican Party?
The cheer at a Dole Rally:
"More guns" one side yells.
"Less education" the other side yells.
"More Guns"
"Less education"
..until Deion Gingrich says "Why not both?"
I have an idea how Snoot can raise his approval rating.
All he needs to do is raise the profile of Jim Inhofe,
the piss-quick Senator from Oklahoma. (I'm no fan of
Don Nickles, either, but Nickles is a human being.)
This Inhofe character needs to be retired.
He's Jesse Helms without the charm.
He's an ultra-right-wing LOON in the Ralph Reed sense.
How flawed is he? He makes me want to vote for Wes Cooley!
He had an insurance company in Tulsa, home office of RL-LNW.
It went bankrupt when he was caught sodomizing the books.
The FDIC got a $500,000 judgement against his ass
but the taxpayers ended up paying for it.
He sued his brother over the deal, destroying what
Republicans like to call "family values."
He said he'd never hire a person who way gay,
conceeding that he's a homophobe/knuckle-dragger.
Jim Inhofe is the type of guy who'd make a big lemonade
and a "Dagwood" sandwich and sit down and watch
Stalin's biography on A&E to relax.
In 1994, Inhofe debated Dave McCurdy, his opponent.
For the debate, Inhofe had a guy with a rubber nose
ask McCurdy a Pinnochio-type question.
McCurdy was ready for Pinnochio, however, and asked him
if he was from out of state, and if so, why was he
"sticking his nose" into Oklahoma politics.
Turns out the dude was from CANADA, brought here
by the Inhofe campaign for dirty tricks.
Oklahoma STILL voted for Inhofe.
(By the way, Clinton leads Dole here by 6%)
In 1994, I called Inhofe Re-elect headquarters
and asked the very nice lady if she could name a bill
that received a "yes" vote from the senator.
She was speechless.
This is an Inhofe campaign worker, chosen to answer public
inquiries about the senator, and she couldn't name a bill
that Inhofe voted for in his twelve years in Congress.
Is this the party of optimism?
My "favorite" Inhofe moment happened after the bombing
of the federal building in Oklahoma City.
A reporter called Senator Inhofe and asked
how many federal workers died in the blast.
You know what his answer was?
"IT DEPENDS HOW MANY OF THEM WERE PLAYING HOOKY THAT DAY!"
You see what I'm talking about?
Snoot isn't THAT heartless on his best/worst day.
Snoot's a nice guy compared to that piece-of-shit Inhofe.
So, Snooty, if you want to be the second-most hated man
in America, raise the profile of your buddy, Jim Inhofe.
You can thank me later.
Rush keeps calling Clinton "counter-culture."
Since Clinton is ahead by 20 points,
Bob Dole is the "counter" guy, right?
Dan Quayle - Stand Up Comedian
(We have one subscriber in Paris. This is for him.)
Dan Quayle - Le Grandeau Buffoonte
Danny: Une petite fille chez le coiffeur fellata chunks.
Friend: Pendant que le coiffeur lui coupe, dudee.
Danny: Je comprendeau non. Chunks est moi canina.
--for you English speakers--
Danny: I was so drunk last night, I blew chunks.
Friend: Sounds like you were pretty drunk, dude.
Danny: You don't understand. Chunks is my dog.
Pop Quiz:
Which of America's fifty states has the most cavemen?
Oklahoma or North Carolina?
The answer on November 5th.
Bob Dole: If you got a tax cut from Clinton,
then you should vote for him.
Hey, Bob!
If all the people who paid MORE taxes voted for you,
you'd get 1.5 percent of the vote.
This just in....
In a harbinger of the upcoming election,
Socks the cat mauled "Leader," Bob Dole's dog.
Leader now carries a pen in his right paw.
Seventy two percent of all statistics are made up.
Both sides rehearsed long and hard for the debate.
Bob Dole held mock debates with Fred Thompson,
the charasmatic Senator from Tennesse and former actor,
(Die Hard 2, Red October) played President Clinton.
(Aides say Thompson was chosen because he's an excellent
wordsmith, a lusty, zesty man, currently sleeping
with Lorrie Morgan, beautiful country music star.)
Meanwhile, Clinton debated an old broom
with most of it's straw missing.
Great GOP Quotes
"Abortion should be outside the realm of politics.
Abortion is a private, family matter."
--Robin Dole, notorious baby killer
A few things heard at the debate:
Dole: "I will not make any personal attacks like my slimy,
two-headed monster of an opponent does."
Clinton: "Hillary should debate Bob Dole.
Either she whups Bob's butt or
we can claim Bob Dole beats women.
Dole Quotes Dole Quotes Dole Quotes
To Republicans on Capitol Hill:
"Don't wory about this election.
We're going to win, win, win!"
To a rally in Louisiana:
"Clinton will tax eveything, everything, everything."
On Democratic political ads:
"All they have is fear, fear, fear."
Bob, pack your bags
for home, home, home.
Great Dole Gaffs from the Debate:
"Clinton sent more soldiers abroad than any other president."
Gee, Bob. I dunno. Butch sent 500,000 at one time.
You're lucky he has respect for his elders.
He could've hammered you for that, Bob.
RL-LNW Subscribers...
It's not too early to make plans for election night.
Just turn on your computer during the election returns,
and hit your IRC button.
Does everybody get EFNet? That's the big IRC host, right?
If there's a better/more central host, let us know.
IRC is instant chat from around the globe.
Simultaneous multi-emails from everyone, everywhere.
If you're not familiar with IRC, you still have a month
to check it out. You can be anonymous if you want.
You can log on and watch, with a fake ID.
You don't have to contribute if you don't want to,
but what fun to witness the landslide together!
The only excuse NOT to be there is if you're
at your local Democratic watch party celebration,
but hell, their computer gets the www, right?
(Tell them about RL-LNW Internet Humor magazine.)
We'll be absolutely live, breaking news at it's fastest!
The RL-LNW staff will offer instant election analysis.
Perhaps they'll be adult beverages involved.
We can toast the moment when the House turns.
We can toast the moment when the Senate turns.
We can toast the moment when he says "Bob Dole lost."
The RL-LNW offices have seven TV's in one room.
We'll have CNN and the big three going, plus any help we
can get from Al Franken, Dennis Miller, Bill Mahar etc.
We'll cover a breaking story faster, if not smarter.
If you're interested, this will work.
We'll call the channel RL-LNW.
We'll have a RL-LNW password, like "cucumber" or "Slappy."
That'll keep out random netrash.
The password would only be given to RL-LNW subscribers.
So, if you've never checked out your IRC, do it now.
This will be a night to remember.
Plus, you can't be arrested driving home from THIS party.
Letter to Rush
Sent 10/08/96
Subject: RUSH, YOU CHANGED MY LIFE!
RUSH!!!
It's YOU!!!!
I just wanted you to know the effect you've had on me and my daily life.
I listen to your show every single day. Matter of fact, I TAPE it,
every day.
When I first heard you speak, I was certain you were a nutcase, a crazed
idiot and a fool.
But like you say, it's important to listen for several weeks before
making up your mind.
You may not believe this, but before I heard you,
I was MR. BIG-TIME LIBERAL DEMOCRAT!
Hell, I voted for Carter, Mondale and Dukakis, but I'm a different man
after hearing you.
You've changed the American political landscape like no person in history.
In my opinion,
YOU are the leader of the Republican Party. If YOU say something on
Monday,
I know Newt and Dole and others will echo your comments later in the
week.
Rush, you ARE the Republican Party!
I had to let you know just how much you've affected me and many of my
friends.
Because of you, I had the courage to develope a homepage on the World
Wide Web.
As a sign of respect, I've dedicated it to you!!
I know you're a busy, busy man, but sometime,
if you have a moment, check out my tribute to you at
Actually, I'm copying your style, mixing fun stuff
with nothing-but-the-truth political commentary.
I'm imitating you, but you are a man without equal!
Keep doing what you're doing.
Nothing succeeds like success!!!!
If you see Clarence Thomas, say "Hello" to him for me.
Justice Thomas is my second-favorite conservative.
Your biggest fan,
BartCop
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Email the Author: Bartcop