Still Dead
Saturday, the 14th, was the day Vern Koresh promised
he'd rise from the dead to save Davidians and Republicans.
So far, no Vern.
Maybe he's busy in hell,
preparing a room for Mad Dog McVeigh?
Republicans will have to look elsewhere for heroes.
Bob Novak, a favorite. On Capital Gang, he said
"Bill Clinton doesn't have the courage to fire Janet Reno!"
Can a charge be any more fair?
Since that charge is gratuitous,
I'm free to deny it just as gratuitously!
(Learned that from my sparring partner, Liddy)
So, Clinton doesn't have "the courage" to fire Reno.
But... but... but what if he HAD the courage to fire her?
Novak would say "President Clinton, trying to keep his guilty
wife out of prison, repeated Nixon's Saturday Night Massacre
by firing his own Attorney General who was closing in on him."
Knock it off, Bob.
Dash Limba: "Let's assume Paula Jones is telling the truth...."
Why?
Why should we assume she's telling the truth?
Some unknown woman with no evidence has a horrible accusation
about the person we elected to lead our country.
Why isn't there a standard of proof to be met?
I, BartCop, do solemnly swear that I saw Paul Harvey
engage in illegal, disgusting acts with a horse.
Do you believe me?
Why not?
Seriously, do YOU own any pictures of BartCop naked?
If you have tacky pictures of me without pants,
I'll not only cease publication of RL-LNW,
I'll say Bill Clinton is bad for America.
What?
You don't?
You don't have any pictures of me naked?
Then, I hereby claim the moral high ground from Paula Jones.
And I saw Paul Harvey seduce his horses.
I also saw Dash and "Stymie" make a sandwich with B-1 Bob.
Shit!
Do you see me demanding $400,000 from Stymie to keep quiet?
Did I ask Dash to get me a big-time job with Roger Ailes?
You can't have it both ways, sheep:
By your rules, I have more credibility than a Penthouse ho.
So EITHER Paula Jones is lying,
OR....
OR....
OR.... BartCop caught Dash and Stymie, ..I mean Rush and Slappy.
It's time I got a decision from the Woolite stockholders.
Let's toast to militia-boy Stockman (R-Dork, TX) getting
creamed in the Texas runnoffs. I guess he won't be getting
any more faxed previews of day-care bombings!
Did he go out like a man?
Did he accept defeated with dignity?
No, he took it the same way Skippy Dornan did!
"WAHHHH!!
Big labor stole my election!!
WAHHHH!!!!"
Big labor tells Texas cowboys how to vote?
Yeah, right.
This just in...
Dash Limba was in mid-town Manhattan getting out of his
limousine when he tripped and fell to the ground.
He wasn't hurt in the fall,
but car alarms went off four blocks away.
The International Star Registry, for $44 American,
is offering to let people name a star in the heavens above,
for all time and all nations and languages. Forever.
Hell, I've got 44 dollars!
Rush Limba deserves this honor.
By the time our March 1, 1997 issue goes to print,
we'll have the location of the Rush Limba-LNW star.
Hell, they may let me name it "RL-Lying, Nazi Whore."
HA!
Wouldn't that be something if that star was in the news?
What if it becames unstable and explodes, like El Porko Grande?
What if NASA finds water or ice on RL-LNW?
It'll be front page news for months.
Hey, $44 is cheap for an eternity of laughs, right?
In the year 2525, when all people have a head
the size of Brook Shields, people will STILL say:
"Hey, look up there!
The Lying, Nazi Whore looks extra bright tonight!!"
Dash let it slip Friday that his lovely bride, Marta,
is a Madonna junkie. Isn't that special?
I'll bet they have lots of fights about THIS subject!
We don't know much about Marta. Colonel Cholesterol keeps
her away from people who report the news, but we DO know
that two of her idols are Dash Limba and Madonna.
Does anyone know how to spell vacuous?
The Ramsey, NJ police department says graphic pictures
of late-term abortions have been found in boxes of
Captain Crunch cereal in Ramsey-area grocery stores.
Who says the Coathanger Coalition has no sense of humor?
Who says the Coathanger Coalition has no sense of humor?
I understand their next project is hemorrhoid photos,
for those who think abortion pictures aren't ugly enough.
Tim Russert just asked Leon Panetta if it was a "tough job"
for Clinton to reform medicare, after attacking the greedy GOP
for trying to slash it.
DUH!
Snoot and his best buddy Dick Armey said they HAD to cut
Medicare so the super-duper-wealthy could get a TAX-CUT!
Russert thinks Clinton will have a tough time with that?
What's the over & under on that bet?
Hey, aren't we all proud of the dittoheads at the Citadel?
They set FIRE to two coeds last week,
apparently to show their disgust at women being allowed
to serve their country in the military.
How Koreshian!!
It almost makes some people loathe the military.
You see, that's how fanatics solve a problem.
If they don't like what they see, they:
1. Shoot the perceived offender, a la Oswald, Ray,
2. Bomb the innocent, a la Tim McVeigh,
3. Set their kids aflame, a la Vern Koresh,
4. Commit perjury, a la Tim Furmann,
5. Murder clinic workers, a la John Salvi,
6. Lynch the "offending youths," a la southern white men.
Does anybody see a pattern here?
They sloooowly come to the conclusion that they can't win
at the ballot box, so the cowardly shits light a fuse,
THEN they complain the press is lying about them.
Rush, this is YOUR fault.
In your relentless pursuit of food, you try to get more and
more money by stoking the fires of hatred and racism.
Women deserve a piece of the pie, Cro-Mag man.
Blacks and gays have rights, too.
You're a bad man, Limba.
December 16th, the Electoral College votes for Pessnit!
Bob Dole says "There's still has time to turn this around."
Somebody tell him it's over...
MAILBAG
From: "R. W. Julian" Subject: Your Agent Aldrich story (Vol 44)
Although I dislike fascism, it is nice to know fascists
Get a job.
BTW, nice smear job.
Richard
ED. This keeps happening.
One thing:
Wait!
I'll bet he's lying, just like Snoot says...
Dan Quayle - STAND UP Comedian
A friend in Muncie told me this one:
Doctor: I have bad news and REALLY bad news.
Patient: Give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You've got cancer.
Patient: Whats the bad news?
Doctor: You've got alzheimers.
Patient: Well, at least I don't have cancer.
Why Republicans Make Great Pets
(Scheduled for this issue,
The Clever Wit of Bob Dornan
"Gender gap, my ass!
Personal note from the Editor:
We've lost Nixon, we lost Reagan, Quayle is mostly gone,
As Conservativism dies,
Dash was at it again last week, lying his ass off.
1. Nixon was caught on tape being an anti-Semitic asshole.
2. Kennedy's hooker aborted his love child.
Excuse me, Fat Bastard, but what we learned was that Nixon
You want evidence Nixon disliked Jews?
Open your ears.
You want evidence that Kennedy got a hooker pregnant?
You're out of luck!
There's NO evidence about Kennedy.
Luckily, Dash was able to find a non-issue to use as wool
Then, just to throw more gas on the non-existent fire,
I assume he has the cancelled check with JFK's signature?
It looks like the GOP learned nothing from the '96 elections.
It guarantees Al Gore's election.
Hey, Pork-Chop!
You're doing a GREAT job!
Great Dash Limba Quotes
"I am not a dunce."
BartCop vs. Liddy Round 4
I'm getting a LOT of mail about the Liddy series.
(Well, it's funny that the GOP can't produce anyone
I've had about 20 faxes read by Liddy,
Round 4 was Prayer in School.
Put your seat belt on, kids.
>From the tape, my question to him:
MR. LIDDY, WHO PICKS THE PRAYER?
Liddy: Under the current rules, no teacher can propose a prayer.
And as far as "Saleem" praising the Ayatollah, prayers are...
(EXCUSE ME???????????????)
(EXCUSE ME?????????????????)
(G. Gordon Liddy, convicted of NINE felonies,
(What, Craig Livingstone was busy?
(Everybody "knows" their religion is the "real" one,
Back to the tape:
Liddy: So, it's NOT a prayer to the Ayatollah, it's a
(A-HA! Liddy ADMITS it.
Back to the tape:
Liddy reading: OR WHEN A HAITIAN KID SLAUGHTERS A CHICKEN?
No, BartCop, that's a religious ceremony, and it would be
.end of tape
So, Muslims, Haitians and Catholics are "bad" religions.
Chicken-slaughtering and Catholic masses are "out" because
If forced, state-organized prayer isn't an example of a
You lose, Gordon!
Your best argument is "some religions aren't good enough?"
As always, I have to explain their options. Either:
1. ALL wacky religions get a shot at their prayer,
OR
2. You knock off the superstitious CRAP and teach those kids
Liddy, for a smart guy, you talk like some dumbass!
And you look goofy dancing like a dirty hooker.
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Email the Author: Bartcop
He's laughing at you!
have the same right to spew hate as everybody else.
I get slammed by the nicest people.
I'm guilty of many, many, many, many things,
but "supression if liberalism" isn't one of them.
Webster says THAT'S the definition of fascism.
Is Webster a journalist?
will appear in an upcoming issue)
Put 'em in dresses, turn 'em upside-down
and they all look alike, goddammit."
I've got the worst luck.
Bob Dornan is gone, Bob Dole stopped saying stupid
goddamn things every day, and I start up a humorous
newsletter just as the GOP comes to an end.
it's getting harder to do my job.
He compared two "presidential revelations."
was a racist asshole and we learned the press LOVES IT
when a hooker makes an unsubstatiated claim!
to pull over the eyes of his easily-led sheep!
he claimed "Kennedy PAID for the hooker's abortion."
They're going after Tipper next, "hammer and tongs."
--Radio show, Dec 11, 1996
People are asking if this is a funny comedy bit.
I assure you it is NOT!
who can challenge BartCop logic.)
I have 12 of the exchanges on tape.
(I'll put my fax in caps, because it's hard to tell who's
speaking when he's quoting my letter.)
I'm about to make Nixon's lawyer dance like a dirty hooker.
AND, IF YOU ROTATE, HOW WILL YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR CHILD TELLS
YOU "Saleem" PICKED A PRAYER THAT PRAISED THE AYATOLLAH?
OR WHEN A HAITIAN BOY STRANGLES A CHICKEN?
It's up to the students.
correctly defined as something which is addressed to God.
So if Saleem praises the Ayatollah, it's not a prayer.
is going to decide which religions are "real"
and which religions are "Bogus?")
John Wayne Bobbit had a prior commitment?
Liddy decides which of our Gods are worthy of prayer?)
Isn't that the real problem with religion?
and they're forced to mingle with all the dumbshits
who are caught up in the "gutter" religions.
Christ, I hate controversy!)
TRIBUTE to the Ayatollah, and that's not what was called for!
I would have no objection to a child praising Allah,
because Allah is another word for God.
Allah passes right-wing GOP muster for an "eligible"
recipient of prayer, but this kid picked a "bogus" religion?)
just as objectionable if a Catholic priest performed a mass.
I'm glad we have Liddy to straighten us out - aren't you?
they're examples of religious ceremonies.
That's bad!
religious ceremony, could somebody explain what is?
That's why we shouldn't have school prayer in the FIRST PLACE!
goat-slitters, snake-handlers and even Catholics....
reading and science and math and computer science.
If some people want to believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny
and a devil with pointed ears and a tail, let them do it
on THEIR time, with THEIR money.
Don't you ever think your positions through?
