Q - What do you get if you cross Dan Quayle and a woodchuck?
A - A woodchuck with a spelling problem.
From the AP wire...
Sun Yaoting, China's last eunuch, has died at the age of 94.
Sun's father, a fruit peddler, castrated him at age 8 to
allow him to enter the ranks of China's powerful eunuchs.
These Eunuchs ruled China until the Boxer Repellion in 1914.
..and if you don't think a story about a dead eunuch
belongs in RL-LNW, you haven't been paying attention.
Ralph Reed
I wonder what kind of childhood that bastard had?
Take, if you will, a moment to feel sorry for John Elway.
He's certain this is his year to win a Super Bowl.
We don't know which NFC team will kick his ass,
maybe Green Bay, probably Dallas, but it'll happen.
Bet heavy on that.
And, Johnny, when it does happen, you might wonder how
different it might've been if Denver's owner wasn't wearing
a Dash Limba dogs-playing-poker necktie for good luck.
God is a socialist, John.
NFC by 19.
DAN QUAYLE - Stand Up Comedian
What's the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will blow your bonus!
What a CROCK!
The nutty Republicans want to hold hearings to see
if President Clinton was influenced by Asian-Americans.
Yet...
Yet...
Yet the GOP takes millions from the NRA,
then vote FOR street-side assault weapons.
And...
They've taken millions from the Cancer Lobby,
to proclaim nicotine is NOT addictive or unhealthy.
..but if Clinton lets someone ride on Air Force One,
we should hold impeachment hearings?
Great Republican Quotes
"Which man of history do I respect the most?
That would be President Rushmore."
--well-informed GOP voter
How Quickly They Fall
Our old friend Bob Dole was on Jay Leno last week.
He was semi-funny, as always, but did you notice
he didn't go on until after Gillian Anderson?
Poor Bob, just a few weeks ago, he was thisclose
to the big, big chair. Now, we hear don't hear from him
until we get an X-Files update.
Next week, Dole's on Sesame Street.
They're doing the letter "D."
He's going to show the kids what "defeat" looks like.
Poker at Al's
Every Tuesday night, it's poker at the D'Amato clubhouse.
Tonight, Al's guests are Pat Buchanan, Dan Quayle,
Rush Limba and various ADM board members.
Buchanan: I've got a killer joke:
Limba: Again? Let's play cards, instead.
Buchanan: No, wait! It's a GOOD one.
What do you call a undertaker in Washington DC?
An opportunist!
Quayle: I don't get it.
Limba: Can't we just play poker?
Buchanan: What? I thought you liked a good joke.
Limba: I do. Got any?
Buchanan: Ok, OK.. Here's one...
What's the difference between an Indian Reservation
and the surface of the moon?
You can't sell blankets on the moon!
Quayle: I don't get it.
Limba: Your jokes suck, Pat. At least my jokes are funny.
Buchanan: Oh, sure, Mr. Nazi Bigshot.
You're a big, fat nothing in this party.
How many primaries did YOU win?
Limba: None, but that's only one less than you, and you ran.
Quayle: I got a joke! I got a joke!
D'Amato: Shut up, Loser.
Quayle: That's uncalled for, Senator.
Buchanan: So, let's hear your funny joke, Limba.
Quayle: I got a joke, I got a joke..
ADM $bag: Danny, here's $500. Shut the fuck up.
Buchanan: OK, we want to hear your funny joke.
Limba: Ok. Have you heard about the new Rwanda doll?
You wind it up, and it gets cholera.
Buchanan: Damn, ....that IS funny.
Quayle: I don't get it.
Buchanan: You tell jokes like that on your radio show?
Limba: Sure.
My sheep let me get away with murder.
Christ!
Once, I said Hillary murdered Vince Foster.
All: (laughs)
Buchanan: I'd be too ashamed to tell jokes like that.
SHIT! I couldn't face myself in the morning.
Limba: Do what I do.
Sleep till noon.
All: (laughs)
Buchanan: You got any more?
Limba: Sure.
When I was twelve, my dad asked if I knew about
"the birds and the bees."
Buchanan: What happened?
Limba: I said "No, but I know about Mom and the butcher."
The bastard beat me for two weeks.
(to be continued..)
Dear Santa,
I know you're busy, so my list is short.
I only need a few things this Christmas.
I'd like a Mattel talking clock,
and a choo-choo train,
and a hundred phenobarbs.
(My dad is Ralph Reed.)
Hurry Santa,
Ralphie Jr.
PS. I hope you can read my writing.
My hand's in a cast from my last beating.
Great Republican Quotes
"We all know my father isn't stupid or dishonest."
--Tricia Nixon, 1976
BartCop vs. G. Gordon Liddy
(These are actual BartCop faxes read on the air by Liddy.)
...from the tape, my words in caps.
Liddy: MR. LIDDY, SHOULD PRESIDENTS BE REQUIRED TO SERVE
IN COMBAT? No, BartCop. Obviously, Presidents are
Commanders-in-Chief, and the Commander-in-Chief does
not take the job of a platoon leader.
That's rather ridiculous...
IS GUARDING MUNCIE OR HOLLYWOOD, SERVICE ENOUGH?
Well, if you join the Army, and that's what they tell you
to do, then it certainly is, and you do what they tell you.
So...I was wrong!
I admit it.
Reagan and Quayle WERE brave!!!!!
And a special courage award for little Danny.
The Pentagon said he single-handedly held off
a fierce Viet Cong attack on Fort Wayne.
Yesterday, ....all my writer's-block seemed so far away,
now it's looks as though it's here to stay.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, ....Dole's not half the fun he used to be,
There's a big blank hanging over me,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Why...he...had to go, I don't know..
he didn't say...
When...Bill...kicked his ass, he kicked it hard,
his fucking A... a...a...a...
Yesterday,
(repeat)
This just in...
Snoot was arrested for trying to kill his wife!
The wife he LOVES!
DC Police say a domestic argument flared out of control.
Mrs. Gingrich said he wasn't spending enough money on her.
Snoot said she spent too much. She said since they
were always in the spotlight, she needed some new dresses.
She said she wanted to be seen in something long and flowing,
so Snoot threw her in the Potomac!!
The police asked why he did it.
Snoot, apparently drunk, said "She's my 'current' wife."
Arraignment is Friday.
Great Republican Quotes
"If English was good enough for Jesus Christ,
it's good enough for the people of Texas."
--some Dumbass Thumper
We get lots of mail that says:
"Sure, your newsletter is great, yeah.. BUT..
Where are the songs?"
You fans have a point!
Here's a song to the tune of Old McDonald:
Old Paul Harvey has some horses,
E I E I B
Does he flate 'em? Yes, of courses,
E I E I B
With a spit bit here
and a split lip there,
Here a hump,
there a grunt...
Eh?
What?...
Hell, I don't know.
It wasn't written for children...
DAN QUAYLE - Stand Up Comedian
What's a wicker box?
It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Alicia Silverstone.
MAILBAG
From: Richard Esslinger Subject: Your Garbage
I read your garbage. I think you should quit hating
Sincerely,
Richard Esslinger
Ed. (sigh)
MAILBAG
From: "Phillip H. Blanton" Subject: Your Rush site
Dear BartCop,
May God have mercy on your soul.
--
Phillip H. Blanton II
E-mail: blanton@uniqueds.com
(Ed. I'm going to try to turn this guy.
Dan Quayle - STAND UP COMEDIAN
I found out what started the Clarence Thomas-Anita Hill feud.
Slappy snuck up behind Professor Hill with a clump of mistletoe
He grinned real big and said, "Guess what's over my head?"
Professor Hill said "juris prudence?"
The harrassment started soon after.
Your Editor here at RL-LNW has been very, very busy.
Some 10W-40 spilled on my driveway. When viewed from a certain
I called the newspapers and they sent a photographer.
To protect the faithful and promote order, I charged $12.50
Hell, I made $650 just from parking.
But then I got to thinking.....
Money?
Is that what's important?
Making $650 scamming religi-boneheads?
I thought "No, goshdarnit. THAT'S not Christmas!"
It took me a while, but I eventually realized the truth.
It's the $2900 live gate I need to focus on,
This episode didn't do much for my religious faith,
Merry Christmas from the staff of RL-LNW!
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Email the Author: Bartcop
He's laughing at you!
people. You might want to seek some help.
But it was funny.
(call me Dick)
Thanks, Dick
I'm glad you derive a little twisted joy out of
your vitriolic, hate filled, lie spewing web site.
I'm amazed when I discover that people like you still exist.
Web: http://www.uniqueds.com
Wish me luck.)
It happened at the 1989 EOC Christmas Party.
held high in the air and pinched her right on her ass.
Startled, she whipped around to see the smiling simpleton.
It all started innocently enough. I was cleaning up
after changing the oil in my car....... when I first saw it:
angle, in early afternoon, it looks exactly like the Virgin Mary!!
Sure enough, they saw Her, too and the next day
my miracle was featured in the Tulsa World.
for adults age 12 and over, and $7 for crumb crunchers.
Photographs with Her were $27.50.
Valet parking was $9, regular parking $4.
Is that why we're on Earth?
It's not the $650 from parking fees that's important,
that's not what Christmas is all about..
and the $1640 I made from the polaroids.
Hell, I made $4500 before the first rain!!
but now I can swear there IS a Santa Claus.
