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Warning
There's a shitload of bad words in this issue.
This will forever be known as the "bad language" issue.
If you don't like the language most Americans use,
click on the little "x" in the upper right-hand corner.
I know I'll lose some subscribers this time,
but this is war, and I don't give a fuck.
This issue was published before I could re-consider.
Sorry this issue is so late.
I was in a restaurant in Knuckledrag, Oklahoma when I was
forced
to listen to an entire Richard Marx song on their sound system.
Paramedics were called and I was rushed to a hospital.
Doctors said I suffered from acute Sacharillia.
They said my triglycerides shot up to almost 600.
My doctors told me to get some rest and listen to some Tupac.
I'm feeling so much better now.
Bob Barr
Bob Barr is an honest man.
Bob Barr would never lie under oath, right?
Bob Barr took an oath.
He swore to tell the truth.
He swore to tell the WHOLE truth.
He swore to tell nothing BUT the truth.
...but when they asked him if he cheated on his wife,
Bob Barr answered with something other than the truth.
...and when they asked him if he cheated on his wife with
small dogs or gerbils, Barr said something OTHER than the truth.
You'd think the primary accuser in the most public dogfight
of the year would be guilt-free of the very crime he was
trying to pin on the innocent guy he accused, but nooooooooooooo.
Should a man like that be allowed to hold public office?
It gets worse...
Not only did Bob Barr lie under oath...
Bob Barr recently confessed to being a baby-killer.
Isn't that shocking?
I'm shocked.
Aren't you?
Bob Barr, Grand Imperial Wizard of the Coathanger Coalition
admitted murdering his own baby years ago.
Can this be?
Bob Barr says he didn't do anything wrong.
He admits he put his wife and his "baby" in the family car
and drove them to a women's clinic that offered abortion
services as an alternative to an unwanted pregnancy.
On the way to the abortion clinic, he stopped and checked his
PO Box.
In his PO Box was another check from Operation Rescue.
You see, Bob Barr is a spokesman for Operation Rescue.
Bob Barr is their champion, because he claimed he loved unborn babies.
Bob Barr has said 1,000 times each year that abortion is "murder."
He says it's "murder" even if the pregnancy occured as a result
of incest or rape. "It's not the baby's fault," he always says.
These folks at Operation Rescue pay cavemen like Bob Barr to
argue
their point. You see, they can't get people from New York
or Los Angeles or Chicago to argue their side.
No.
They have to go to "Deliverance County," Georgia to seek out
people from the backwoods to help them sell their wares.
So, driving his "baby" to the executioner, Bob Barr stopped and
picked up his contribution from the folks at Operation Rescue.
He then drove his wife and his "baby" to the women's clinic.
He dumped them and said "I'll be back when the baby's dead."
The doctors asked Rep. Barr if he wanted a partial-birth abortion.
Barr said, "No, I want it completely dead."
Barr drove to his bank and deposited his Operation Rescue
check.
Just before he sent the check to the drive-in teller, he KISSED it.
"I loooooooooooooooooooooves my Operation Rescue checks," he
said.
When he was done, he drove back to the women's clinic to meet
the
members of his family who survived the morning's appointment.
Before they left, he took out his bankbook and wrote a check
to the executioners who murdered his baby.
Excuse me, but doesn't that mean Operation Rescue
paid for Bob Barr's baby's abortion?
When asked about this on Larry King, Bobb Barr said,
"Larry, you just don't understand.
You see, we have a joint checking account."
Whew!
I thought Bob Barr was going to have trouble explaining himself
after he admitted he murdered a defenseless member of his family,
but that "joint-checking" explanation did the trick.
That Bob Barr is sharp!
When pressed further about the moral issues involved in
killing his baby after calling it "murder," for decades,
"Larry, it's a private, family matter, and I see no reason why
this should be anyone's concern outside my family."
Whew!
Old Business
Joe DiMaggio has gone home.
No, not to that great baseball diamond in the sky,
he really went HOME, to his own goddamn house.
Baseball legend Joltin' Joe was released from the hospital
after
a 99-day stay and returned home after telling lung cancer and
infectious pneumonia, and I quote, to "Eat me."
Not once, but TWICE DiMaggio fell into a coma and was at the
brink of death when he came back to say "Fuck the Press!"
Joe... you are my man.
Ladies and Gentlemen...
I hereby announce the first ever recipient of the
BartCop Lifetime Achievement Award is Joseph DiMaggio.
(REAL applause, not fake)
This means, no matter what else happens, he is a Hero for Life.
I don't care if he calls Clinton dirty names.
I don't care if he campaigns for that Gary Bauer woman.
I don't care if he says Rush Limba is a human being.
Joe, you are my hero.
You will always be my hero.
Of course, if Lindsey Graham suspects you of not being fully
candid in a bitter, partisan, tobacco-whore witchhunt,
we may have to hold hearings, but until then, DiMaggio
you're the first ever BartCop Lifetime Achievement Award recipient.
The son-of-a-bitch (and you know I mean that in the nicest way)
says come April 9th, he's going to throw out the first ball
at his old stomping grounds, New York's Yankee Stadium.
Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?
He hasn't gone anywhere.
Go Joe!
Rush said "All the Democrats have made up their minds, while
all the Republicans are keeping an open mind and listening to
the evidence before they make up any decision."
Typical, 100 percent pure Limba horseshit.
Is there anyone in America, Democrat or crazed ditto-monkey,
who thinks there's a single, impartial member of the Senate?
Is there anyone who thinks Senator Nickles or Senator Pissquick,
both Oklahoma knuckledragging/racist dogs, are impartial?
...please
I'll say it.
The Democrats are just as guilty.
There's not an impartial person in the whole goddamn Senate.
You know it, I know it.
Ol' Bob Dole knows it and the 'Merican people know it.
This entire Senate should be impeached for lying under oath.
Right?
Aren't they all liars?
Every single goddamn one of them?
They took an oath.
They swore to be impartial, but then each of them holds a
goddamn press conference to cheer or denounce this charade.
Koresh help me.
This entire trial is a nutty, goose-stepping kangaroo.
It reminds me of a Rock n Roll Hall of Fame jam.
You have 100 people on the stage playing Johnny B. Goode,
and everybody wants their guitar solo, and when they're done,
nobody knows how to end the stupid song, so they just keep playing.
Besides that, nobody is watching and nobody cares.
The local fascist radio station here in Knuckledrag, OK
promised "gavel-to-gavel" coverage, but quickly went to their
cash COW Limba when boredom set in 30 minutes after it started.
I called them to ask what happened to "gavel-to-gavel"
coverage.
It took some time, but I finally got the news director.
He said "We never PROMISED gavel-to-gavel coverage."
I said "You didn't use the word "promise," but you said
you were going to cover the trial "gavel-to-gavel."
He said "We never said the ENTIRE trial would be gavel-to-gavel."
sigh...
Sounds a lot like that "bumper-to-bumper" warranty I bought
for my first Oldsmobile back in 1986.
Radio ho'res, elected ho'res, media ho'res...
I feel so surrounded.
Great Fascist Quotes
"If the president committed murder, would THAT be a high
crime?"
-- Rep. Charles Canady, on the Senate floor, Saturday
Hey, asshole...
Hey, asshole!
It was a BLOW job!
A goddamn, consensual blow job!
It wasn't murder.
It was a blow job.
A blow job is DIFFERENT than a murder.
Do you understand that, asshole?
Nobody dies from a blow job.
Koresh, could you white-power freaks BE any more extreme?
What's the difference between Matt Drudge and Larry Flynt?
Larry Flynt, so far, hasn't told any lies.
I have a question:
Pigboy opens every show with canned, fake applause.
Why does Pigboy open every show with fake applause?
Is it because nobody but white-power freaks and
tobacco ho'res would ever applaud a lying pigboy?
Yep, I think that's it.
After the canned applause dies down,
Rush explains to his sheep that he's "a legend."
He does this EVERY HOUR.
He tells his ditto-monkeys that he's a legend.
They, of course, will eat anything he tells them.
Koresh, how big an ego does this Methane Factory have?
A legend?
Webster's first definition of the word "legend,"
defines it as "the story of the life of a saint."
Is Pigboy a saint?
I don't think so,
...but his talent is "on loan from God,"
and God never lies,
...so yes,
PIGBOY MUST BE A SAINT!!
Either that, or God is lying, right?
Is James Earl Ray a legend?
...in some Mississippi circles he is.
Is Lee Harvey Oswald a legend?
...he is at Ollie North rallies.
Is Sirhan Sirhan a legend?
...Ollie's buddies in Islamic Jihad say so.
Is Tim McVeigh a legend?
...he is to this House of Representatives.
Pigboy,
Ray,
Oswald,
Sirhan and
McVeigh, are legends?
Permission to vomit?
Radio hag Doktor Laura Mengele,
also known as Limba's vagina,
has gone totally political now on her lil' hate show.
These days, any time a caller says, "My ten year old was caught
lying,"
Gramma Meng says "Well, if the President doesn't have to tell the
truth,
why should your son?"
Every call now leads back to Bill Clinton.
Every goddamn call.
This old, old woman, whose plum pruned decades ago,
is quickly approaching Limba as the most hate-filled
mainstream slugette on the AM airwaves.
Hate brings ratings, and she's a ratings whore.
She started Friday morning shreiking and screeching at
Alan Dershowitz. She said "He defends rapists and murderers."
I guess in Doc Meng's America, people ACCUSED of crimes
don't deserve to have adequate legal counsel because
"we all know they're guilty, anyway."
Doc Meng wants a new constitution.
The present constitution provides legal cousel for the accused.
It must be "out of date," in Ditto Land.
It's scary when wacko-fundamentalists talk civil rights.
She had a really huge problem with Dershowitz saying he hates
white-power boys like Bob Barr and Trent
Lott. Isn't that an
odd way for a Jewish person to react to a racist group who
wants to build ovens for minorities?
Of course, she's faux Jewish...
Doc Meng's conversion to political whore started right after
she displayed her genitalia to untold millions of young boys
on the internet. I guess Bill Ballance is working in concert
with the White House to discredit you, too, right Doc Meng?
I read an interview with some former Doc Meng co-workers.
They said Lew Bishop, Doc Meng's current husband, was MARRIED
when Doc Meng decided he had more money than Bill Ballance.
She sunk her hooks into him and forbade him to see his kids
from the marriage she then destroyed.
Doc Meng - Destroyer of Families.
What's the female version of "scumbag?"
Scumbagesse?
Doc Meng spread her legs for a camera,
THEN she destroyed new husband Lew Bishop's family life,
poor Dyrekye was a bastard for 12 years,
and now she claims to be our moral superior?
I have another question:
Why isn't Dyrekye's name Dyrekye Bishop?
When it comes to ego, Gramma Meng isn't conservative.
She outdoes Hillary, not ONLY keeping her Teutonic name,
she FORCES the Teutonic name on Lew's kid Durekye.
Or IS Dyrekye Lew's kid?
Could Dyrekye be another "secular indiscretion?"
Oh, well, as far as we know, she didn't rape a woman in college.
(Bill Bennett, call your office.)
There's a chronic masturbator by the name of Matt Drudge.
When he's not too "busy," he writes tales about liberals.
Drudge wrote a story about Clinton's black bastard son.
I read the story myself, so I don't want some piece-o-shit
ditto-monkey claiming I made this story up, OK?
So this cock-sucker Drudge wrote a long story about how
"everyone" back in Arkansas knew that Clinton fathered
a boy named Danny with some black crack-whore.
Cock-sucker Drudge said the baby looks "just like" Bill
Clinton,
as everyone who's seen the pictures of him agree "100 percent."
At the very end of this looooooooong story, the cock-sucker
wrote
"Of course, if the DNA comes back with no match, there's no story."
For some goddamn reason, whenever the CS Drudge runs a story,
no matter how outrageous, no matter how bizarre, no matter how many
aliens land on the White House lawn, the dirty press ho'res
feel obligated to run with it on page one.
Yep, it happened again.
The New York Fucking Times,
once considered a serious newspaper,
ran every goddamn, untrue Drudge slur on their front page.
Same for the Washington Fucking Times, a Moonie newspaper,
and the New York Fucking Post, who's editorial content makes
the writing in RL-LNW look goddamn Sheakespearean by comparison.
...swear to Koresh.
Donkey-boy Drudge makes up a story,
and the American press treats it as gospel.
Every fucking time.
Welcome to Whore City.
There's no effort to fact-check, dammit.
There's no need to be accurate, dammit.
After all, we're talking about Clinton's cock.
You know what?
They can alllllllllllll get in line to eat me.
For some reason, the story of Bill Bennett raping that girl
in college gets NO coverage, but if Matt Drudge says aliens
landed on the White House lawn, the New York Fucking Times
and the New York Fucking Post and the Washington Moonie Times
will all report that the aliens have landed...
well,,,
...it gives legitimate news sources such as RL-LNW
a harder time reporting TRUE news.
For instance...
We've all heard the Internet stories about B'orrin Hatch
hiring a hooker in 1995 and inviting her husband to participate
in a three-way encounter of butt-bongo.
Me?
I think that's disgusting.
But if B'orrin Hatch has anal sex with a prostitute's husband,
is it the business of RL-LNW Internet Magazine to expose him?
No.
Matter of fact, we won't even dignify those allegations.
RL-LNW does not deal in nazi sexual innuendo.
If B'orrin Hatch had anal sex with a crack-whore's husband
it's none of my business.
In BartCop's America, ...sex is private.
And this whole Bill Bennett college-rape story...
It seems to me that if a person is going to set himself up
as the self-described King of All That's Good, just like
spread 'em, and home-wreck 'em Gramma Meng, that person ought to
AT LEAST not have a college-era background of sexual assault,
or am I asking too much from no-morals America?
Bill Bennett, how do you sleep at night?
MONKEY-MAIL
From: bkbldb@3rdm.net
Subject:
You are a treu American idiot!
You are why this country cannot suvive!!!
you are to stupid to realize!
Sincerely,
Brice Bier
As long as we're using the "bad" language, can I get a "fuck
you"
for anyone who claims there are two kinds of information?
There's the truth,
.......and then there's "the White House spin."
Gag me with a swastika.
Any honest person will tell you the White House has a spin,
there's also the white-power, tobacco whore spin,
then there's the money-grubbing press whore spin,
Pigboy has a spin,
Limba's vagina has a spin,
(but it's always the same as Pigboy's)
Democrats have a spin,
BartCop has his spin...
When someone says "Gale Sayers was better than Barry Sanders,"
are they lying to you?
Or is that just the way they see things?
Next time somebody says "White House spin," tell 'em,
...well,
...you know what to tell them.
(PS. Gramma Meng, would you please sue me?}
Remember last issue I said that President Bill Clinton is
a big old boy and he can take care of himself just fine?
As long as they don't put a goddamn bullet in his brain,
he's going to be just fine, no matter what happens.
The same cannot be said for Julie Hiatt Steele.
She's the innocent, defenseless, single-mother who was asked
to support Kathleen Willey's lies so Willey could extort
money from the President of the United States.
She refused.
Wait a minute:
Look at EVERYONE involved in this whole fucked-up mess.
Everyone involved is a "player" except Steele.
She didn't tape her best friend.
She doesn't have an agenda.
She isn't a whore.
She's not looking for a book deal.
I don't even know if she's a democrat or a knuckledragger.
But that disgusting bastard Ken Starr has indicted her.
She was indicted for several "crimes" such as:
1. Saying Kathleen Willey asked her to lie.
2. Swear to Koresh,
and you new subscribers should know when I swear to Koresh
it's always 100 percent true and accurate,
...she was charged with "making false statements on Larry King."
This is not a BartCop gag.
Making false statements to Larry fucking King is a crime?
This is not a BartCop gag.
Ken Starr is such a despicable slut-whore.
Steele is the lady whose adopted son was a target for Starr.
Starr's goons asked Steele's neighbors,
"Where did Julie get the money to adopt her child?"
"Was it a legal adoption?"
"Does she really love her son?"
"How did Julie get to Romania to adopt this child?"
...and so on.
Welcome to the conservative's America.
Let's ALL narc on each other, for Ken Starr.
Starr wants to take her son because she wouldn't
help Kathleen Willey extort money from Bill Clinton.
Christ!
Even Linda Tripp said Willey "was smiling from ear to ear"
when she left the Oval Office that day.
So, Linda Tripp should be indicted too, right?
After all, she didn't agree with Willey's version of events.
But noooooooooooooooooooo.
Linda's in on the fix.
She's not going to be indicted.
Linda the Pig taped and betrayed a friend to ruin Clinton.
Lucianne Frankenstein was looking for a juicy book deal.
Monica was blowing a married man and telling all her friends.
Clinton was cheating on his wife and trying to hide it.
Starr is a white-power tobacco whore who hates free elections.
The list goes on and on...
But Julie Steele is guilty of knowing a whore named Willey.
THAT'S her crime?
And Starr's Gestapo has come to take her boy?
Trust me, if you came to take BartCop's son from me,
you better be able to defeat a Glock .40.
I know I'll catch shit for this, but if they end up removing
Clinton from office, we'll just have to admit he was guilty of
cheating and trying to hide it, but Julie Steele hasn't
done anything wrong besides answer her goddamn phone.
Is this America?
Oh, by the way, Michael Isakhov can eat me, too.
He's the lying prick from Newsweek who SWORE the interview
with Steele was "off the record," then he fucked her.
Hard.
He just might've fucked her out of her freedom and her son.
Ho'res, ho'res, ho'res everywhere.
Sometimes,
...it drives me to drink.
time out...
BartCop, ...take a deep breath.
Remember,
...it's the comedy that people want.
They don't subscribe for your great I.Q. of 67,
...they're looking for the bonehead humor.
Inhale...
exhale...
My months, ...no, ...YEARS of praying have paid off.
Dan Quayle says he's going to run for President.
Thank you,
thank you,
thank you,
thank you, Vern.
RL-LNW is going to get a LOT funnier real soon.
Hold on through the next few angry, lame-o issues,
because when Danny starts making regular speeches
issues of LNW will be only $9.95 each.
Current subscribers will be eligible for a discount,
but if Quayle becomes a front-runner in this race,
BartCop will be in a position to tell ADM "nevermind."
These are the men who demanded Clinton's removal.
Rep. Bob Barr (Killed his daughter)
Rep. Ed Bryant
Rep. Steve Buyer
Rep. Charles Canady (Murder = blow job)
Rep. Chris Cannon
Rep. Steve Chabot
Rep. George Gekas
Rep. Lindsey Graham (Homosexual)
Rep. Asa Hutchinson (Homosexual)
Rep. Henry Hyde (Homewrecker)
Rep. Bill McCollum (Pedophile)
Rep. James Rogan
Rep. James Sensenbrenner (Liar)
Take away Dr. Jekyl and they're all nobodies.
None of them has a career at risk,
and Dr. Jekyl is about to retire,
one way or another.
It's a lame-duck lynching.
Hey!
You know what they all have in common?
They average a 97% approval rating by the Coathanger Coalition.
These religio-wackos,
white-power freaks,
tobacco ho'res,
and Limba-ditto-monkeys,
want to change the direction America is heading.
We have unprecedented peace and prosperity,
and they want to change that as soon as possible.
America wants 'em to stop, but they keep going,
like lil' Nazi energizer bunnies.
Republicans say "Screw what America wants."
Stephen King can't write anything this scary.
Trust me.
http://cnn.com/TECH/9608/27/web.humor/index.html
Click on the picture of Pigboy.
Some of you have seen this before,
but why is this on a CNN page?
ha ha
Thanks to Dr. Bomb
From: (withheld)
>Subject: Ernest Istook
>BartCop:
>Ernest went to Castleberry High, Fort Worth Texas, in '67.
>When we were sophomores, I pushed him over a gym bench.
>He was an obnoxious fucker.
>Now, I'm sorry for my actions.
>It was an act of immaturity.
>I'm approaching 50, I've had time to reflect on my life.
>Things are just not as important as they once were.
>I no longer have the passions and anger of a young man.
>I try to think things out.
>All that said, Ernest Istook is still one obnoxious fucker.
>Sincerely,
>Joe D
Joe, killer e-mail,
ha ha
If anyone else reading this has ever kicked
a congressional ditto-monkey over a bench, e-mail me.
I will protect your identity.
Here's a URL to consider:
http://members.aol.com/gopbias/gopbias.html
At a quick glance, it's LNW, but with more I.Q.
He says most search engines won't list him.
You might check him out.
He deserves a look.
From: sabutai@ix.netcom.com
>Subject: Barr Scumbag
>Bob Barr was an author of the Defense of the Family Act.
>During his press conference where he congratulated himself
>for that, he failed to say which child that legislation
>would have protected, his first, his second or his third.
ha ha ha
Bob Barr puts the "P" in white-power.
From: Braintree
>Hey, BartCop,
>You should write about what a mudda fukka Bob Barr is.
>Bill Clinton never paid for an abortion.
>Bill Clinton never wrote a check to murder a "baby."
>Who has the moral high ground?
>President Clinton?
>...or that baby-killing, Sky-is-falling scumbag Bob Barr?
From: FILEITAWAY@aol.com
>Subject: Rush
>Just so you know,
>Rush's last name is "Limbaugh."
>try lisening to him with an opened mind for 2 weeks &
maybe
>some of that venem you have in you will dissapait Rush isn't
>always right but hehas a treemendus brainand ha's not stupid
http://members.tripod.com/~CDAatETSU/rush.jpg
Wow
I'm not sure what this is...
Great Ironic Scumbag Quotes
"I think it is very inappropriate to get into somebody's
personal life and obviously that's what Flynt wants to do."
--Bob Barr, baby-killer, scumbag, infanticidist
Mark McGwire's Home Run #70 Baseball goes for $2,700,000.
Another sign that America wants to remember 1998 as the year
Mark McGwire broke the biggest record in sports.
Republicans want you to think of Monica when you hear "1998."
Remember that.
Gotta be
Quick takes on the SOTU Speech
-Major home run, as the polls will show
-Clinton made ditto-monkeys applaud him dozens of times
-Armey the foul-mouthed Dick, scowling like an angry S.O.B.
-Sessenbrenner stewing like bacon in a microwave
-Lidsey Graham applauding, wishing he was dead
-Roth with McCain asleep on his shoulder
-Clinton mispronouncing "redwoods" as "wedwoods."
(On Fox, Ken Barnes said that was "proof" he was losing it)
-Rosa Parks and Sammy Sosa in the House
-Steve Largent, said "God will protect the believers"
-that woman from Washington saying she had to water her plants
-Pigboy said, "No matter HOW BADLY he delivers this speech,
Clinton's personal blood-allies in the press are going to try
and convince you he delivered it like a champion."
Pigboy, you're SUCH a gambler...
Whiners Unite
Want to make a statement about how bad Bill Clinton is?
Doc Meng says:
"As long as the economy is doing well, screw values?
We don't care if Clinton is a lying crook,
as long as the economy is doing well?
The Rule of law comes first, not the stock market!
What good is money if we have no soul?"
I have an idea for you ditto-monkeys:
Make a statement - Quit your job.
You heard me - quit your fucking job.
...if the stock market isn't important,
...if the economy isn't why we elected Clinton,
...if fewer abortions and fewer murders isn't important,
...if our pensions and our kid's collegs fund doesn't count,
...if money is second to family values,
...if jobs and prosperity are meaningless,
...prove it!
Anybody who thinks traditional values supercede the economy,
prove it by quitting your fucking jobs right now!
If 30,000,000 people quit their jobs by Monday,
I will join Doc Meng and Pigboy and David Duke to say Bill Clinton
is a bad, bad man and America would be better off if he would resign
and let Rush's ditto-monkeys in the GOP bring back war and recession.
C'Mon, you right-wing fundamentalists!
PROVE to BartCop that you're telling the truth.
Quit your jobs!
Demonstrate that you're more than just lying, partisan ho'res,
and BartCop will join your call that Clinton should resign.
If not, shut the hell up.
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