May 22, 1996
Caller: Rush, we have to lay-off our only employee!
Rush: How's that?
Caller: If the minimum wage increase goes through, our sole employee
will make
more than my husband, the owner of the business!
Rush: What kind of work does he do?
Caller: He's a plumber.
A plumber that makes $5.25 an hour?
Let me guess - in Midtown Manhattan, right?
Walter Cronkite, "the most trusted man in America,"
says he smoked pot but claims HE DIDN'T INHALE!!!!
Repeat: Walter Cronkite smoked pot but DIDN'T INHALE!!!
This leaves only two options:
1. The "Most trusted man in America" is a big, fat liar,
or
2. Mean-spirited Republicans owe Clinton an apology.
Marilyn Quayle was in the mood for a movie.
She called Dan at his office, (for the purpose of this
joke, assume Quayle has an office and he goes there)
and asked if he'd like to watch a movie that night.
Dan agreed. Marilyn suggested he rent "Scent of a Woman."
Dan showed up with "A Fish Named Wanda."
May 29
Fatboy was plumped-up like a ball park weiner when
he heard a lawsuit was filed concerning his book.
Some fourth grader in Virginia had Mein Kampf taken
from him because of the pictures of erect penises
in the "Why the CDC is Lying" chapter.
That's the Republican answer to this BIG problem?
Frivolous litigation?
Are the trial lawyers on Rush's side now?
Or is Ego-Boy struggling to contain his wetness at
the thought of his hate book getting some press?
The Verdicts Are In!
A jury found three Arkansans guilty of various crimes this week in Little
Rock.
News of the verdicts sent shock waves through Washington,
especially the offices of Newt Gingrich and Phil Gramm.
Newt and Phil and some House freshman were seen in the streets near
the Capitol
bloody and dazed. The police were called and they observed a band of
conservatives
beating their heads, chests and backs with blades and chains,
screaming "God is Great" and "All Praise to Allah."
They were taken to Washington Regional Hospital where
they were listed in good condition. However, doctors
wanted to hold Gramm until a hospital psychiatrist could visit him.
Sources say Senator Gramm demanded to be taken to Walter Reed, claiming
he
deserved a military hospital because his wife Wendy often referred
to him in bed
as "her little soldier."
More on this as details become available.
Let me get this straight:
Young kids should stay in school, study hard, skip the parties, miss
the fun,
and get good grades so they can get a scholarship to a good college,
where they'd get
a great education so they could graduate and join the business world
or maybe go
into government service and be ridiculed as "pointy-headed Harvard
intellectuals"
on the smart-ass dropout's radio show?
Clarence "Slappy" Thomas had a scare at the house.
His fireplace went wild and he called the Fire Department.
Clarence: Can you come right away?
Operator: Yes, sir. What's your address?
Clarence: I don't know....I'm scared.....but Hurry!
Operator: How can we get there without your address?
Clarence: Don't you still have the red trucks?
If we take away the National Rifle Association...
and we take away the Coathanger Coalition...
and we take away the white-power goofs,
and we take away the ultra-rich...
...who's left in the Republican Party?
Last week, President Clinton got a sneak preview at the best-preserved
mummy in history.
Some said she looked like Dionne Warwick, others suggested Alfre Woodard.
On seeing the preserved body, Clinton quipped "If I were single, I
might've asked her out."
You guessed it - The Coathanger Coalition burst into flame.
"Clinton Wants Sex With Dead Woman," read the fax.
"Clinton Shows True Colors With Pre-pube Death Sex" said another.
The funds came pouring in.
Republican frontrunner Bob Dole seized the initiative
in an off-the-cuff remark in California during a speech.
"Bob Dole would never do that, never screw the dead.
Bob Dole gives you his word on that.
Bob Dole stands for something.
Bob Dole would only screw the living.
Bob Dole says sex with the dead is not family values.
Sex with the dead is sickening."
Ralph Reed turned to Elizabitch Dole and asked, "Is that true?"
Bob Dole, in a speech in South Carolina, said he was "fly."
He called the US Senate "my posse."
CNN Breaking News....
This just in.....
CNN has just reported a photograph has surfaced.
CNN is claiming they have pictures of Bob Dole and that mummy girl
at their prom!
..now back to regular programming.
Man says to Dan Quayle "Penny for your thoughts?"
Quayle gave him change.
May 29 Rush said:
This whole Whitewater thing has me wondering....
How many of you people know somebody who's been convicted of a crime?
How many of you know someone who's even been indicted?
How many of you people know someone who had to resign their job for
committing crimes?
Perhaps Rush's audience doesn't include:
Ronald Reagan
George Butch
Richard Nixon
Spiro Agnew
Trent Lott
Ed Meese
Bob Dole
G. Gordon Liddy
Don Nickles
Oliver North
Jerry Falwell
Newt Gingrich
Strom Thurman
Ralph Reed
E. Howard Hunt
Phil Gramm
John Mitchell
George Shultz
Barry Goldwater
William Casey
Billy Graham
John Dean
Pat Buchanan
John Erlichman
Bob Haldeman
Maurice Stans
Clarence Thomas
James Watt
Ray Donovan
Linda Chavez
B'Orrin Hatch
Richard Secord
Bebe Rebozo
Alan Simpson
Admiral Poindexter
Charles Colson
Donald Segretti
Alexander Butterfield
Caspar Weinburger
Al Haig
William Colby
Haley Barbour
(I'm getting tired, but you get the point)
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