Our "Hippo of the Week" is from This Week with Kookie Roberts.
She interviewed Oklahoma's fifth biggest embarrassment,
(after Paul Harvey, Steve Largeant, Jungle Jim Inhofe and
Schindler's Schmuck, Tom Coburn) ....Senator Don Nickles.
Kookie: What about the abuses in campaign funding, Senator?
Nickles: It's illegal to launder money.
It's illegal to take foreign money.
It's illegal to solicit money on federal property.
The Democrats have clearly...
Kookie: I have a question:
We've all seen the videotape of GOP Rep. John Beynor
passing out checks from the Cancer Lobby on the FLOOR
of the House of Representatives.
Is that illegal?
Nickles: ...I... Well, ...um....I...
...I... I don't know all the rules of the House..I..
Kookie: Oh, please, Senator!
You don't know the rules of the House?
The House is federal property, is it not?
Nickles: ...I... Well, ...I'm not the judge of that...
HUH?
If the new Senator Straddle sees a Republican break the law
with his own two eyes he's "not the judge of that."
But if he SUSPECTS the possibility that a Democrat MAY HAVE done
something wrong, he doesn't have any qualms about getting on
live TV and squealing like a chicken caught in a tractor's nuts.
Senator Don Nickles is the BartCop "Hippo of the Week."
Great Rush Quotes
"I'm beside myself."
--Radio Show, March 4, 1997
(No, Rush. That's your big ass.)
GOP On the Move
The Republican Party is still trying to help their members
overcome their extreme, overt racism.
They've tried everything!
They've tried quitting cold-turkey.
They've tried liking light-skinned blacks.
They've tried embracing supply-side, sell-out stab-in-the-back
traitors like Uncle OJ Watts and Clarence "Slappy" Thomas.
But now, they think they've finally found the answer:
Nigga-trol Patches.
The makers of the patches say their product will release small
amounts of racism into the body of the wearer, thus making it easier
to control their urge to hate. A patch will last about 90 days,
but sometimes less if the wearer is from the Carolinas.
More on this as it developes...
MAILBAG
From: Tim White (coptic@flash.net)
Subject: your crap stinks....
Asshole, eat shit and die.
Sinseerly,
Tim White
(Brief and almost no spelling mistakes.
Good note from Republican Tim White)
Seriously,
Can you believe Rush is whoring for Blimpie Sub Sandwiches?
Maybe his staff is too afraid to tell him how insane it is
for a bloated gasbag to advertize Blimpie Subs.
What's next Rush, a stint as Poppin Fresh?
Or maybe Rush could be the new Michelin Man?
What a whore!
Twenty-five million dollars a year isn't enough money.
He's got to whore for more.
Hey, Fatboy, what's next?
Where will that next gotta-have-every dollar come from?
Maybe you could shill for Playtex tampons?
Someone could dump water on you in the commercial and
we could all watch as you swell up even fatter.
>From the Associated Press, 3/4/97
RALEIGH, N.C. -- Rep. Henry Aldridge, a 73-year-old Republican,
who once insisted that rape victims can't get pregnant because
"the juices don't flow" has been appointed co-chairman of the
House Committee on Human Resources, by the man many say is the
most sensitive to women, GOP House Speaker Snoot Gingrich.
"The facts show that people who are raped, ...TRULY raped,
the juices don't flow, the body functions don't work,
and they don't get pregnant," Aldridge said.
(So, Women of America, if you become pregnant via rape,
you weren't "truly" raped, so knock off the lying, OK?)
When Kenneth Starr resigned, Equineboy Paul Harvey was near tears.
On his radio show, the bile was choking back in his sore throat,
as the dirty, lying shit could barely spit out the words:
"It looks like....President Clinton...won't be indicted after all."
It was so fucking sad.
I cried.
Ain't politics a bitch?
Paul Harvey, famous horse molester, and the other rabid-dog,
McVeigh Republicans were crying because Clinton is innocent.
Yet, somehow, America will survive.
Yeah, Harvey, choke on it.
You've done it before, right?
Regular listeners of Rush's show remember the times he
told the story of when he slept in the Lincoln Bedroom.
Butch had pardoned Reagan's cabinet for their Iran-Contra crimes,
just before Christmas of 1992.
The election was over. Rush was in the Lincoln Bedroom
at Butch's request, a political payback for backing Butch
when America decided to fire his bony, laissez-faire ass.
Rush looooooooooved telling the story about leaving a note
with Butch-appointed White House personnel. The note was a jab at
Clinton friends, Harry Thomason and Linda Bloodworth-Thomason.
The note Rush left for Harry was "I got here first."
Undisputed Facts:
1. Rush KNEW Butch lost the election.
2. Rush KNEW he might not ever be back.
3. Rush was there because he "helped."
4. Knowing he got there for "helping," knowing Clinton and his
"helpers" were taking over, Rush left a note saying "I got here
first."
So, knowing that Clinton had won, KNOWING that his friend
Harry Thomason, would be staying in the Lincoln Bedroom soon
BECAUSE FRIENDS OF THE PRESIDENT STAY THERE,
Rush proves his acceptance of the Friends-of-the-Pres principle
was on the record way back in 1992.
So why's he whaling about the unfairness now?
Could it be that Rush is a lying whore?
I guess it's OK for Butch to have Rush, and Charleton Heston, and that
bastard Jerry Falwell and others over for a stay, but if Barbara Streisand
or Steven Speilberg stay over,
it's a "possibly-illegal payoff."
That's how it works?
Sounds like an "Eat me."
MAILBAG
From: (Afraid to Leave my e-mail address)
Subject: Dated material
Dear BartCop:
Please removed your dated (out of date) material on the Internet.
Clutter is no virtue.
R Hart
(Afraid to leave my e-mail address)
Once again, Oklahoma was held up to ridicule when one of the
Jesus Twins, Rep. Tom Coburn (the other is Steve Largeant)
confessed he had an erection all through Schindler's List.
Coburn, a practicing gynecologist, said the naked bodies he
saw represented "a new low" for commercial television.
Coburn suggested Schindler's List only be shown on a channel
such as "Playboy" or late-night on HBO.
"This was WAY too hot for children," Coburn said.
There are 535 members of Congress, and 534 of them had no problem
with Schindler's List playing to a huge American audience.
Coburn immediately called for a federal panel of old, white men
to decide what we should be allowed to see on American television.
"It's about less-government," he said.
(Part of Coburn's problem is the fact he's one of those "super" Christians who believe only fellow Christians are able to be good Americans. Since, technically, Jews cannot be considered "Christians," perhaps Coburn saw this movie not as a world-wide tragedy, but merely a group of godless non-Christians that got what was coming to them.
Now, if they had been Christians....
Have you noticed that Republicans are no good at everything?
MAILBAG
From: billrand@stratos.net (Randolph, Bill)
Subject: You Suck
Do you really think you have anything to say?
I read Volume 88 of RL-LNW not really understanding where
you were coming from, then it hit me!!
Your a FAGGOT.
You and your little bitch buddies have nothing better to do than attack
white "Women loving" men.
Do you really think some white person will read you stupid garbage
and say,
"Gee, what a witty fag, HuMMM?? I will becume GAY now".
Please don't take me the wrong way.
FUCK all you homosexual mother Fuckers,
may you all suffer the wrath of A.I.D.S
Bill Randolph
billrand@stratos.net
Bill,
Let me compliment you on your decision to get
drunk
and play with your computer instead of getting
in your car.
You've made a fool of yourself and the Republicans,
but you didn't kill anybody.
For that, I salute you - Republican Bill Randolph.
Swear-to-Koresh True GOP Quotes
"We're not the same GOP that Reagan took to victory in 1980,"
said Anthony Fabrizio, GOP poll-taker.
His poll showed the GOP had no dominant core, and was on the
losing side of many issues important to America families.
1. The Economy
2. Social and Moral Issues
3. Abortion
4. Gun Control
5. Crime
6. Taxes
"We need to find NEW issues that polarize in our favor," he said,
We should NOT fight things that are clearly popular.
When we do, it makes us look Draconian."
What a bunch of losers!
I explain their short-comings to them every week
for free!
They don't need to pay for it.
If Snoot, Dick and Trent ever had an original thought, would die of shame?
Or loneliness?
Review
http://www.emap.com:80/whatsnew/us/archive/19961016/WN-751.htm
"What's New On The Internet,"
from the makers of Internet Magazine, London
The Humorous Political Writings of BartCop.
"Bartcop enjoys taking a few shots at Rush and the far right. Very funny!"
16th October 1996
(Our only positive review.)
Great GOP Quotes
"I used to be a bomb-thrower, but now I'm a statesman."
-- Dick Armey, begging for self-respect in his video
USA Today says Barbara Steisand, Steve Jobs, Steve Speilberg
and Tom Hanks all slept in the Lincoln Bedroom.
When Reagan/Butch was president, people who slept in the Lincoln
Bedroom were mostly bagmen for BIG tobacco, religio-wackos and
NRA psychos asking for more automatic weapons on the street.
So, what's the problem?
Welcome back to Crossfire - Pat Buchanan.
Just to show it's not partisan...
Lock me in a room with Buchanan or Novak for a shift.
I don't mind. At least they're not whiners.
But...
If I hear fingernails-on-the-blackboard Lynn Cheney
or that fuck Sununu one more time, I just may go postal.
MAILBAG
From: arich@imperium.net
Subject: your web page
I fail to see anything funny OR creative in your web-pages.
They're filled with anger, hatred and spite.
You obviously have either:
1- Never listened to Rush's show, or
2- Do not have a sense of humor.
Do you not have anything productive to do with your life?
arich@imperium.net
(This guy is NOT a real Republican.
He has no fire.
He doesn't understand what being GOP is all about.
Now... this NEXT guy is GOP!)
--------
From: jim 02783@UDel.Edu
Subject: your penis is small
i am going to kill your mother, sister and daughter
and rape their dead carcus
Sincerelky,
Jim at Delaware U.
(See? The Republican Party isn't dead like we
thought.
Jim the Republican, don't be a stranger!)
Need extra cash?
The Editors of RL-LNW are offering $1,000 to anyone who can
produce an authentic photograph or film of Clarence Thomas or
Rush Limba or Bob Dornan committing an illegal act of sodomy.
Note: They don't all 3 need to be in the picture.
I need a companion piece to go with my Paul Harvey film.
Try to have it to me by March 22nd.
(If more than one Limba/Dornan/Slappy photo arrives,
the one postmarked first will win the money.)
Guest Quote
"Religion is a tool used by government to keep the poor poor."
-- Napoleon, before he died
Everybody hates Chevy Chase, right?
But, Chevy Chase said on Bill Mahar that, over the years he'd given
about $2000 to Clinton
and the Democrats. He says he was invited to spend the night in the
Lincoln Bedroom,
but he said he doubted money is what prompted the invitation.
If I understand the screaming meemies of the GOP, only
professed Clinton-haters should be allowed to stay over.
That doesn't make a bit of fucking sense, now does it?
Less than an hour before his double-murder spree,
O.J. drove Kato to McDonald's for hamburgers in his Rolls.
That's no alibi.
If it was Clinton, minutes before the murders, he'd be onstage somewhere
handing a $500,000 check to Coretta Scott King for research into Sickle
Cell.
That's an alibi.
What color does a Smurf turn when you choke him?
Can you believe it?
Can you believe there's a whacked-out, super-Christian judge in Alabama
who claims
he has the right to have artifacts from his religion displayed behind
his bench
while he sentences people to jail or the death penalty.
I ask, if this is allowed, how will we feel when a nutto judge
wants to handle a rattlesnake during sentencing someone to a long prison
term?
What if the judge is Jewish, and sentences a skinhead to a very
long prison term? Would the skinhead have a right
to question the fairness
of the sentence if the Judge was wearing his Yahama?
What if the judge is Catholic, and has to find an abortionist
guilty/non-guilty on something like tax evasion?
Wouldn't the judge feel pressure to "save baby lives" by
putting an innocent man in prison?
Yes, many many judges are people of faith, and that's their right
whether they're chicken stranglers, snake-handlers or Catholics.
But they don't need to be advertising their insanity when they
are speaking for the STATE!
To make things worse, the Governor of Alabama has decided he'll send
ARMED TROOPS
if necessary to ensure that this judge's particular brand of insanity
is used in court.
Does America want a certain religion forced on them at gunpoint?
Say it again: FORCED RELIGION AT GUNPOINT!
I suddenly feel like I need to join a militia.
>From the RNC
"We KNOW Gore is guilty, by his halting, evasive, legalistic
replies to questions at his televised press conference.
And we KNOW Clinton is guilty by the smooth, nonchalant,
take-it-lightly performance at his news conference."
So, if one is "halting and legalistic," it's evidence of guilt,
and if one seems "smooth and nonchalant" it just goes to show
the guilty bastard has no conscience at all!!!
Looks like another "Eat me!"
Great Rush Quotes
"Radio is listened to by smart Republicans,
whereas Television is watched by stupid Liberals."
--Limba, explaining why his ass was thrown off TV
Sunday, I watched Senator Fred Thompson and Kathy Ireland
in some movie on HBO called "Necessary Roughness."
Jesus, that man can act!!!!!
I didn't watch the whole thing but in the end, a some donkey
kicked a field goal and Fred Thompson held hearings on it.
.. the donkey was never charged.
Chew on This:
"Dear Friend,
Today, I'd like for you to accept the President's call by joining one
of America's pre-eminent political organizations, the Republican Senatorial
Trust.
As you can see from the enclosed agenda, the highlight of the event
will be the annual
Trust meeting with President Butch at the White House for a private
reception on March 27th.
No other organization offers you closed-door briefings and
dinner with a Senator, Cabinet Member or the President.
Membership in the Senatorial Trust involves an annual commitment of
$10,000 in personal funds."
Sincerely,
Senator Don Nickles,
Chairman of the National Republican Senatorial Committee
February 16, 1990
BartCop: Excuse me, Senator Nickles, but
your letter seems
to be selling access to the President for cash.
Aren't you accusing President Clinton of that?
Nickles: No, those two things are entirely different.
BartCop: Different? In what way?
Nickles: The difference is obvious.
BartCop: I'm sorry, I can't see it.
Nickles: The difference is easy for anyone to see.
BartCop: Selling access is selling access, right?
Nickles: BartCop, you're a partisan.
BartCop: Perhaps, but I fail to make the
distinction between
selling access to Butch and selling access to Clinton.
Nickles: As different as night and day.
BartCop: But Sir, I can't see the difference.
Could you spell it out for me?
Nickles: I'll be glad to. They are totally different.
BartCop: Yes, I heard you say that,
but how is paying to meet
Butch different from paying to meet Clinton?
Nickles: What we did was perfectly legal.
They broke the law.
BartCop: So why are Clinton's actions different?
Nickles: What Clinton did was obviously illegal.
BartCop: But how can it be legal for Republicans,
but illegal if a Democrat does it?
Nickles: The Democrats broke the law.
BartCop: Sir....
Sir, by any chance is Bob Dole a friend of yours?
Nickles: Why, ...he's my idol and mentor.
How did you know?
BartCop: ....just a hunch.