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Written in America
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Quotes
"If you don't start bombing Iraq, we will."
-- The Arrogant Pinhead, to the UN
This is why England hates us.
This is why France hates us.
This is why Germany hates us.
This is why Spain hates us.
This is why Belgium hates us.
This is why Japan hates us.
This is why China hates us.
This is why Russia hates us.
This is why Mexico hates us.
This is why Canada hates us.
This is why Iran hates us.
This is why Afghanistan hates us.
This is why Pakistan hates us.
This is why Saudi Arabia hates us.
This is why Eqypt hates us.
This is why Jordan hates us.
This is why Australia hates us.
This is why Italy hates us.
This is why Hong Kong hates us.
This is why the whole world hates us.
This is why Israel likes us.
Our soldiers on the ground in Iraq
Excerpt:
U.S. Special Forces commandos already are
secretly operating inside Iraq, The NY Post has learned.
Military sources said last night that Special
Forces teams have been performing liaison and reconnaissance
missions in Kurdish-controlled areas in
Northern Iraq and in Shiite southern Iraq for several weeks.
So why is Bush giving the UN a handjob if the attack is already underway?
Bush may have started World War III, a nuclear war, secretly
without telling
Congress or the American people. Is it too late for me
to get religion?
Bystanders
Excerpt:
"George W. Bush has proposed a radical new
doctrine to govern America's role in the world,
one that commits the United States to
war in Iraq and perhaps beyond. Foreign leaders warn
that by assuming the right to attack
sovereign states on the basis of a potential threat, the Bush
administration is rewriting the rules
of the international system and lifting a taboo that has kept
large chunks of the globe at peace.
And yet with the possible exception of Joe Lieberman,
the leaders of the Democratic Party
have nothing serious to say."
That figures - Lieberman, Klayman, Armey, Jeffords, Barr, the Freepers and the NRA.
They fight the B.F.E.E. because the Democrats have all gone to sleep.
"But Bart,
fighting is wrong.
Good
Doves do as they're told.
Please
- won't you join us?"
From Monday's issue
> Bushes
Angry Over Report that Jenna and Barbara
> are Too
Wild for the Secret Service to Handle
> by Howard Kurtz, Bush's Boy at the Washington Post
> Look for a spate of wholesale lies about
Chelsea Clinton, now.
> Whenever the Bush girls are caught breaking
the law, Bush's good puppy press fabricates lies
> about Chelsea - and the networks, cable
whores and Rush follow with 24/7 dittoes about it.
Drudge says People Magazine is going to print picture of an "erect,
sexually aroused" Cheslea Clinton.
You see, Bush's good puppy media MUST take pressure off
of Jeb's daughters felony coke problems,
so as predicted here Monday, they will FABRICATE horseshit
allegations about Chelsea to cover it up.
Doesn't it make you sick?
They trash the innocent to protect the guilty?
Sure wish we had a free press in the United States...
Subject: the Big Dog on Letterman
Hey Bart,
This is Meredith, the one who debated you
a few weeks ago regarding Clinton. I actually got tears in my eyes
at the sound of Clinton's voice on Letterman.
I didn't realize how much I missed the guy, how very few morsels
of intelligence and leadership we've seen
since he left office. Clinton brought a moment's relief to a sad
and
difficult time. It's obvious people
miss him and would gladly take him back as president.
In our consumer culture, it's easy to picture
Americans pointing at Clinton on their TV screens and saying,
"I want this one instead of the monkey
puppet." Letterman has whet America's appetite for sane leadership;
You
didn't hear this from me...
Kneel Bush seeks divorce after 22 years
My sources say Kneel Bush's wife is the one who wants out, and
the B.F.E.E.
has to eliminate any problem that could interfere with their
world takepover,
so they had Sharon agree to be filed against, to give Kneel political
cover.
The B.F.E.E. has given Sharon a $26 million up front settlement,
and another $2 million
a year to keep her mouth shut and not say why she had to get
away from that monster.
(My sources say Kneel is all whips, leather and drugs in the
sack, and she got out when he tried
to choke her on two occations during rough sex. What Sharon
doesn't know is by agreeing
to let Kneel sue her, if the weirdness ever gets out, he'll
claim the kinky and drugs were her idea.
What Sharon also doesn't know, if after President Skip steals
or waves the 2004 elections,
Sharon's going to be taken on a trip into the Mexican desert
- where she will drown.
Hey, the B.F.E.E. didn't get where they are by playing poor defense.
Leftist Monkey Mail?
From: nlubard
Subject: east vs. west coast attendance: theory
Excerpt:
I think the reason attendees from the East
coast outnumber those from the West Coast is this:
We lefties on the West Coast are the real
deal. Because we have the great fortune to live in a place
more closely resembling or attempting the
ideals of justice for all, and because we take our liberalism
and progressive politics seriously, we're
probably not too interested in going to Vegas to party with
a bunch of aggressively middling liberals.
ha ha
click for more
Quotes
"I hope I make it until the next James
Bond movie."
-- Warren Zevon, upon finding out he has only weeks
to live
Top Ten Reason to like Avril Levigne
...
10. As far as I can tell, she's not a pre-packaged, hyped-up,
record-weasel hoax like most of the others.
She may be, but from what I've
seen so far, she's not.
9. Unlike many in the business, she can sing a little.
8. She's not Steve Vai, but she can play guitar some,
and there's a rumor going round
that she writes her own music,
in an actual band - which makes her a musician.
How rare is that in today's
music?
7. Far as I know, no tattooes, no nose bones, no bald head, no bolts thru her upper lip, etc.
6. She keeps her clothes on. I know,
that's very hypocrital of me to say that, but there are
times when a man thinks of
things other than sex. (I'm getting so very old)
5. She's only 17 and she's got spunk - I like spunk.
4. Rock needs new blood and I don't mean the new blood mentioned in Number 10.
3. She's not worried about how cool she looks. I saw
a show she did for "Kids Nick," and she got
in the dunk tank and got splashed
with paint and stuff and it just looked like she was having a good time
like a real person. She's not
so much of a diva that Vera Wang would sue her for soiling the dress.
2. So far, no "backup dancers," no fireworks, no laser wars, no smoke, no lip-syncing - just live music.
...and the Number One reason to like Avril Levigne...
...she can still perform even if FedEx doesn't get the snake there on time.
True Quotes?
"One year ago, men women and children were
killed here because they were
Americans and because this place is
a symbol to the world of our country's
might and resolve. Today we remember
each life. We remember each life.
We rededicate this proud symbol. And
we renew our commitment to win the
war by vowing that that Afghan pipeline
will one day have the brand of the
Bush family. Thank you, and may God
bless America."
-- President Oil, at
the Pentagon
Subject: What the Fuck!! 
Excerpt:
I was able to make ends meet until the
end of September. We are now just about midway.
I officially hold a matter of $30 in my
checking account (no savings), no more assets to sell
on Ebay, borrowed all I can from family
and friends just to make last months bills.
BartCop - credit doctor - to the rescue.
The TNN Network is hot
Starting next week, they're running Star Trek, The Next Generation,
the first year of C.S.I. and, apparently, syndicated epsiodes
of The X-Files
We'll be spending a lot of time on TNN
Quotes
"Why shouldn't war be a last resort instead
of the first tool that President Bush grabs off the shelf?"
-- Nicholas D. Kristof,
New York Whore Times
When we invade Iraq, is it going to be a repeat of Afghanistan?
Are we going to blow up a few thousand goat herders,
then stand idly by while the Russians fly Saddam and his generals
out?
...and then our brave men will go thru Baghdad, home by home,
looking for a man who was airlifted to safety weeks ago?
White House insiders say Bush is "out of control"
Excerpt:
Sources within the White House inner circle
say George W.Bush is "out of control."
An unprovoked attack against Iraq is imminent,
because Bush believes he's on a
mission from God to rid the world of Saddam
Hussein, whether the world likes it or not.
I like that Robert Bianco, TV critic for USA Today.
Some of his observations about TV's 9-11 coverage:
"NBC offered too many opportunities to Matt Lauer
and Katie Couric - who even
interrupted at one point to tell us about,
"the
importance of silence at a time like this."
No newscasters, however, indulged in more
babble than CNN's Paula Zahn and Aaron Brown, who seemed
convinced their insights were far more
touching and important than anything the ceremonies had to offer."
As often happens, the low point came on
cable - specifically on the flag-pin-bedecked Fox News,
which gave us a gung-ho Geraldo Rivera
purportedly
speaking from Tora Bora. (ha ha - everyone
knows Fox/Geraldo can't be trusted) "We're
absolutely kicking butt in the war on terror.
Bin Laden's either six feet under or
he's under somebody's skirt someplace."
- or he's in Pakistan getting kidney dialysis from our allies
and Bush's CIA.
It's just like Fox/Geraldo to give us pro-Bush spin instead of
something resembling news.
I'm so glad I skipped that whole Wednesday media mess of cheap cliches and corporate lies.
Guess who said it?
"I wish one of you guys has children,
so I could kick them in the head
or stomp on their testicles so you
could feel my pain."
Who said it?
Mike Tyson or George W. Bush
The Answer:
Mike Tyson
The Clue:
The sentence structure and noun-verb tense agreement were so much
more sophisticated than anything President Pinhead could muster.
Plus, Bush could never pronounce "testicles."
(Do you have a "Guess who said it?"
quote to send in?
Send us your quotes, and who might've said them,
but they have to be sound-alikes, like Smirk & Tyson.)
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
This year's potential inductees are:
The Clash,
AC/DC,
The Sex Pistols,
ABBA,
Elvis Costello,
Lynyrd Skyryrd,
Black Sabbath and more.
The closing jam should be interesting.
While in Vegas...
HARRAH'S: Botox treatments for $250 every Saturday from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. in the Spa.
Blackjack, Botox and Chinaco under the same roof - only in Las Vegas!
Don't forget nickscrusade.com
From USA Today's 9-11 coverage
"For President Bush, silence was more eloquent than words Wednesday."
Yeah, with Bush that's always the case.
What's that phrase, "Better to let them think you're a pinhead,
than open your fool mouth and prove it?"
"On this day, Bush felt little need for
words
to convey what he and everyone
around him was feeling."
Well, ...close.
I'm sure his handlers told him to keep him damn fool mouth shut.
Koresh knows what idiotic blunders he'd utter if given a microphone.
When you're a monkey in a man suit, you can only read the scripted
words of others.
Having Bunnypants keep his mouth shut was a triumph for this
White House.
Guess who's back?
The family is back - Sunday night!
Robert Bianco gives it **** out of four.
"Rejuvenated Sopranos comes out with guns blazing!"
Subject: Bush Recession Continues To Haunt Wall Street
Perhaps invading Iraq will take the voters' minds off the Bush Recession.
Hey, so far it's working as everyone has stopped
talking about the once hot topics
like the huge budget deficit, the Enron, Harken,
and Haliburton corporate scandals
and the crashing of stocks on Wall Street. We
have long forgotten about Dick Cheney's
secret energy policy meetings with the former
Enron executives.
We no longer talk about what Bush knew, and when
did he know about the terrorist attacks.
No one hardly mentions Osama bin Laden only one
year after he apparently orchestrated
the attacks on America. I believe that we have
even stopped looking for him.
Yeah, Bush can't run the economy but he sure knows
how to change the subject.
You must give him high marks for that.
Jim in Rochester, MI
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Woo Hoo!
Possible idea for Friday - after the Magic Bus
One great way to get to know new friends is over a poker game.
Actually, we're taking the Midnight Magic
Bus to Vegas's hottest strip clubs!
We could do a small stakes, friendly game (50 cent bets,
dollar last bet) and enjoy cocktails and whatever.
You won't believe how great the strippers
look in Sin City.
Of course, it'd probably have to be a guys-only thing, I'm sure
you gals understand.
Plus, you're likely to see Janine Lindemuller,
Jenna Jameson, Sara St James, Raquel Darian,
If you're interested, drop me a line at bartfest2002@yahoo.com
Poppy Coles, Brandy Ledford, Jo Guest,
Dani Ashe, Sylvia, Stacy Moran, and more!.
Poker is so much fun!
New York and LA can't touch Vegas for
classy strippers.
A bartcop.com mirror for those of you with GOP bosses.
Did anyone get a complete copy of Dave's 9-11 show with
Clinton?
I'd sure like to make you a trade...
me if you can send a copy.
Check this out - it's what they're saying on the Letterman newsgroup alt.fan.letterman
Excerpt:
I can't imagine in a million gazillion
years that our Accidental President could even begin to understand,
let alone hold his own in, a conversation
like Clinton had with Letterman this evening.
Click Here to see the BartFest Webcam. It's GREAT at night!
Our Magic Bus
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© 2002, bartcop.com
shrl
Heard at BartFest